My friends will give you an entirely different description to the one a stranger a might, if they were ever asked to analyse me. I have never been a “people-person”, much to the dismay of my family who prodded me unsuccessfully into the art of confidence.
Just the thought of a stranger interrogating me racks at my system. I suddenly want to change; my clothes are not right and neither is my opening line. High-school was a close-knit group, I stayed around the same circles from the age 11-16.
I have spent the past few years being my own therapist. As I recall moments and memories that may have led me down a shaky rope, it infuriates me that my body feels such a way. What makes me inferior to someone? Why do I break down at the thought of a strange human being?
Celebrities in my presence do not rattle me into a state of panic-working in high-end stores, I have seen a few breeze past. Although, if Jennifer Lopez came into my sight, please excuse me for screaming towards her. Through my own analysis-Marilyn Monroe styled diary entries, I figured the more outspoken a person is, the more fear my mind withholds.
Ironically, confidence does not come into play, because I have learnt too many times now that being loud is entirely separate from being self-assured. You would think that the more confident a person is, the more anxiety I might feel. But that does not concern me.
From childhood I lost my voice though the loudness of others. I never had the confidence to speak up, leaving me floating ashore whilst others swam swimmingly. My sister in arguments, out voiced my words, making me bumble along trying to get my act together.
This is partly a cause for my anxiety. As with most issues, it rarely stems from just one branch. There’s a cocktail of loneliness, being picked on and low self-esteem that shake up my troubles. It was only last year when I took on a healthy lifestyle, that I finally managed to accept myself.
It’s a process, each day requires a new step. If being a makeup artist has taught me anything psychological, it’s that none of us are exempt from problems the mind surfaces. I think some of us put on smiley faces.
Do I have a cure for all this? In the last decade I have drastically improved-feeling scared now to go back in time and remember the fright I use to experience. What’s made me closer to the goal of zero anxiety, is simply pushing myself to do what I am most scared of. I do modelling which requires meeting new photographers, I go to parties where I am only well-known to one guest; I have a requirement to make a model feel good when I do makeup-including the legs up to here, high fashion, perfectly flawless bodies who manage to find the faintest of imperfections. Above all that, I introduce myself to the extroverts.
It’s not easy and it’s a process of baby steps. I see the improvement though and that’s the main thing. Being content with who I am and suffering from anxiety, are two different trees in my opinion. One is now blossoming and the other has some roots to grow.