Sitting with a glass of wine, a lightly lit bar and a mirrored wall behind my back – circling the many couples and groups of friends, I felt this swift gush of contentment seep through my body. And I’ve replayed that moment more times than I’ve listened to my favourite song. Today, I’m left over-analysing why.
We’d had many dates, we felt comfortable enough to say whatever – or maybe I did, and from the look in his eyes, I thought he was happy.
So why, months later and no alcohol, am I questioning what did I do wrong?
Photo by Carli Jeen on UnsplashWhy doesn’t he love me anymore? Why are we not together? Why was I recklessly needy?
This thought-process is as wretched as picking a part my flaws in the mirror. It doesn’t end well – I don’t feel better after, and I don’t learn anything worth knowing.
Love yourself enough to be okay without the why’s – The Style of Laura Jane
Though I tell my friends that self-analysis is the making of me. How much more grown I am, now that I have studied my weakness’s. That compassion I feel I have – learnt from over-analysing why. When that friend repetitively ran back to an abusive boyfriend, or that other one disappeared when her partner set a date for marriage – I can explain.
Despite studies suggesting that over thinking is dangerous, I hold my ground and proclaim that my thoughts are dear. Dear enough to hurt me on consecutive occasions.
Photo by Ray Hennessy on UnsplashDo we need closure?
Apparently (if you believe social-media memes), Jennifer Aniston received closure when Brad and Angelina split – picture the infamous clip of Rachel leaving Ross a voicemail to say she had moved on.
Psychology Today, suggests it’s natural to go into a phase of over-analysing why when closure is missing. Because we understand the world through stories, we put our past, present and future together. If a gap is missing, it’s natural for us to want to find the hidden jig-saw.
Perhaps in the 90’s, closure was easier to source. What do you do when you’re ghosted? A word that once held no meaning, is now a phrase to describe a relationship ending.
Photo by Philippe Mignot on UnsplashHas online communication broke down barriers of empathy?
Admittedly, the last date I went on, I messaged him after to say I wouldn’t like another. But, we had never spoke on the phone before. We had not spent a night together, conversed with friends and discussed possible commitment.
I will take it further and say that our brief period was awkward. Think of a mash-up between Aladdin dating Snow White. I mean, hello – he belongs with Jasmine!
I am a moral preacher and angry sinner in one
How many talk on the phone now to arrange a meeting? Maybe the online world has made life convenient, and the exchange for instant shopping and quick downloads, is the price of lazy breakups.
We fleet people away as quickly as we do our fast-fashion.
Photo by Murray Campbell on UnsplashWe blame ourselves before another
Whether you read my title and thought of your career, friends or regret at a decision, if another person is involved – they are good. They are halo lights and fairy wings.
We as individuals – we are the problem. My ex was not perfect. He said himself that he is selfish. Though I disregarded that remark and made justifications.
It’s almost as if I don’t like myself. I want to act in the wrong – I am a moral preacher and angry sinner in one.
Photo by Jordan Heath on UnsplashIt could be that my heart was so torn and tarnished – it’s drawing reflecting a blood pool compounded with tears, it gave me no other choice but to change subject. To hide the fact that I was all alone again with the feeling of being loved gone.
My over-analysing why, was a determined step to think of me and not him. The problem was, I ended up doing both.
Photo by Joshua Newton on UnsplashStop over-analysing why
Months later and at my desk typing this, I’m confused as to why I need an answer. I know what psychology says, however, why is sometimes rhetorical.
Whatever reason, I kind of know that it won’t ever be enough. I will end up analysing his last words. And who knows – I might dig for potential to realign our stars.
Without the tears, fights and love collectively, I would not be me – The Style of Laura Jane
My favourite piece I have ever written, is about every guy being my soulmate. I believe, that no matter how hard I cry, if I create a new jig-saw and put together my own great joys with each person, I can move on in a better light.
So, instead of over-analysing why, I’m going to cherish the good, and place gratefulness that I’m stronger moving on. And I don’t need to break myself – I can learn as I go along.
Do you over-analyse after relationships or in life in general? Do you tend to blame yourself first?
Spring Giveaway Winner
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If you loved this post, read:
Love Advice: Things to Tell my Heart
You and me are SO much alike. I’m a chronic over-analyzer. I over analyze to the point of death. Even though I usually don’t have closure, I don’t think closure would have made a different. I over analyze, it’s what I do. I would still think over every single word he/they/she/whoever says. I still wonder where I went wrong. Why I wasn’t perfect enough. Why I had so many issues that certain people couldn’t deal with me. That’s just the truth of it. I’ve been working on affirmations to say when I get so into my head that it’s destructive. It’s helped tremendously. It’s not a change that happens overnight, but I have to say that I am at least a little bit kinder to myself. Great post Laura xx
melina | melinaelisa.com
Yes our thoughts go through the exact same process! I can’t help play detective and try and get to the bottom of everything. It’s got better because I don’t waste so much time now trying to figure everything out, but I am an analyser by nature.
I like the idea of affirmations though. xx
I love this, so relatable and it’s always so nice to hear other people talking about things like this in such depth – sometimes I think it’s only me that overthinks it all! As I’m getting older I’m definitely learning to stop over-analysing and questioning everything – instead I’m just letting it be and letting go. Great post as always .xx
Thank you! I’ve over-analysed my whole life and I think it’s because I love playing detective…like I always want to figure everything out. But some things are better not putting thought into. xx
This post is so relatable! I’m always over analyzing the smallest of things! I’m slowly learning to stop though. Great post!
Thank you! It’s so hard to stop right! I’m determined to get better though.
Your post has that poetic rhythm that I love in our writings and a very relatable thought process to most who are old souls in how they relate with people and apply their way of being to having social media as a significant platform for relating with people.
As a general rule I believe Why never helps us a question although we yearn for an answer to our Whys often. ‘What’ questions serve me better instead – What goodness did that BLANK offer me? What space of freedom do I have now that it is gone? How is this serving me in my best interest? As we discover the answer for these questions to nourish us we can allow the Whys to visit us safely as guests at times. You have addressed the same so effectively!
*Your post has that poetic rhythm that I love in *your writings – correction
You should have left it as ‘our’ because your writing is as equally as poetic 🙂
🙂 You are sweet my friend.
I’m definitely an old-soul. You have put this so perfectly! I didn’t even think of putting what, but it’s a much more productive and thoughtful word. And why should be left as a guest. 100% agree. Thank you for this input 🙂
I am glad you agree with how I look at this 🙂 You are very welcome.
Omg, I can so relate and this sounds so like me lol! I over analyze every single thing whether its relationships, friendships, career, etc. I’m always insecure and blame myself for doing something wrong. Always thought that I made a mistake somewhere. I realized over time that I was stupid to think that way and it was never me and was always them. Over analyzing just leads to something that wasnt even there and results in more disappointments. I’m trying to avoid it and I’m trying to love myself more which has def made a big difference. Great post as always love <3
We are the same here! Looking back, most times that I have blamed myself, it’s usually been the other person. Which isn’t to say that I’m perfect or never wrong, but I used myself as the excuse for their mistakes.
I’m trying to live more freely and just let things go in life, because I like the idea of feeling free. So removing over-analysing will be great – it’s just a long process to leave behind right! x
I can’t even express how much I can relate to your post. I’m the kind of person who analyzes everything. Myself, the situations and everyone around me. And unfortunately, I do it even more when it comes to relationships. Having no closure literally drives me mad (not even kidding). I’m slowly learning now that sometimes you can’t get all the answers and you should stop thinking and analyzing before you only hurt yourself.
I do think it would be good if people could be honest after a breakup and give that closure, but it’s easier for them to not be the ‘bad guy’ and confess.
So I think more people do have to accept that they won’t get all the answers. It drives me mad as well. I would always call my friends and say…what does this mean? Or what could that be?
But I know that even with closure, I will just analyse that. It’s a never ending cycle!
Same! I’m trying to be more like “well, fuck it, I don’t give a damn”, but I know it’s a little destructive as well. I’m still searching for the perfect balance lol
I hope you get there! It’s so hard to find balance, but it’s so worth searching for!
Good post.
Funny thing about the way people view the end of relationships. Why do people tend to think the end means it went wrong? Perhaps the two people grew and the new people they became drifted apart. Or they just lost the connection they once had.
I learned to stop over-analyzing the need of relationships. I try to analyze what I could have done better. But I won’t beat myself over anything I did wrong. Life beats on us enough already.
That’s a great way of looking at it. I think it’s hard when it ends and your’re not sure why.
But I agree, you shouldn’t beat yourself up and it’s good to stop seeing the situation in a negative light,