This past weekend was spent exploring with my sister. What was once a rocky relationship filled with disagreement and a lack of conversation, is now one with two people eager to see each other. As I explored with her, I realised that our bond is the closest stability I’ve had. Marriages have fallen a part, friendships have dissolved and lover’s gone, but she’s there giving me an outfit for a photo-shoot or ordering two vegan coffees’ – me being the only vegan. Freedom is a word I always run to, but what if there’s freedom in stability?
I use to live weightlessly like water. Never bound to a single rock or shore; freedom to always leave and transform.
I became restless trying to ride through waves and breeze past caves, until I realised the solid form of walls and bricks, doors and sticks;
what is always there is the greatest gift, the devotion of stability is stronger than drifts through changeability.
My concept of freedom was holding me down. I thought, that by not telling the world my inner mind, I was free to never get hurt. I was use to feeling as though I was wrong – perhaps stupid, so if I kept all that together, I would be eternally free.
When my sister found my high-school diary and read through, I could have cried the tears of a continent’s raindrops. It stung as bad as mouthwash; as though I had swallowed a bottle and consumed quantities of After Eight in one sitting.
At that moment, I swore to never share my secrets again. Any wrote down on paper would instantly be ripped. My friends pleaded for a confession; my crushes name remained inside my lips. I held my cards so close, that when my actual crush did eventually admit to having liked me, I couldn’t say it back.
I then decided, I’m going to change. Just like that, I became an open-book. My best friends knew everything – the closet stories – the one’s you want to hide and lock in a wardrobe, and the embarrassing events that I re-lived with humour. If I felt wildly in love or infatuated, they were clued on who.
Sometimes, my open-bullet would shoot me in the back, and those I assumed were there to end, either used my heart against me or back-stabbed – to simply put. I have no regrets however, and in that choosing, I’m as weightless as a bird, and as free-swaying as a tree.
When we think about freedom in stability – taking those two terms individually, we picture a stereotypical man running for cover. The pressure to not be tied or locked in a marriage, until the fear of ageing alone succumbs doubt. And I’m here as a woman, not sharing my irrational psyche to live single or waltz past commitment. I’m divulging my hunger to travel away from life.
To run away from myself. Everything I have done, on the most part has signalled a desire to escape. I chose to commute when there was a more local option, I fell in love with a guy who had to go back home, and I dreamt of joining him. A dream life was one abroad, where no one knew my name.
Like Holly Golightly, I put myself in a cage. I declared myself independent and free, only to look at every other person for a decision. I wanted control and allowed a stranger to make me feel lost. This Huffington Post piece explains, freedom is in decisions, fighting, and letting yourself lead the way.
You can have freedom in stability, if you let your physical being seek home, while your mentality remains opens, strong and willing to always grow.
How do you feel about freedom and stability? Which one have you craved the most?
I think freedom can be a really dangerous concept when not fully understood. A lot of people’s idea of freedom is to travel without feeling tied down, to take opportunities without consequence, to live life by the day without planning for anything. I rather seek freedom in whatever it is that makes me happy, rather than in what other people consider free to be. For me, freedom is experiencing life with my partner by my side – because if he weren’t by my side, how could I feel free to enjoy experiences… I’d just be wishing he were there with me the entire time! I think as long as individuals follow their own personal feelings of freedom rather than the idea of freedom that’s projected onto them, then that’s all that matters 🙂
I completely agree! Freedom can mean a lot of things, depending on the person. I don’t think it’s about taking roadtrips or travelling without a care in the world. It’s more about the freedom to follow your own path and choices.
Thank you so much for reading! 🙂
As always girl you articulate so well what i am going through or needing to hear. I completely agree with your definitions. Freedom is very much being okay with who you are and letting yourself soar, wherever that ay lead. it isn’t letting people dictate how you live or think because it is what is en vogue. And freedom and stability very much go hand in hand because in order to be free you also have to be stable win-in yourself. Thanks for sharing hun. I hope you are having an amazing day! <3
Yes – you have to be stable within in yourself! I wish someone could have told me that years ago when I was running around claiming that I was single and free, when I was also wracked in insecurity. I think one of the greatest freedom’s is to love yourself. x
That is SO true beauty! It really is! <3
This was beautiful & so relatable! I always held in my feelings as I thought I was protecting myself, and believed would be a nuisance to others if I “bothered” them with my problems. It took until my early twenties, but the more I’ve been able to open up this emotional, present, commutative, side of me – the more freedom, peacefulness, and strong relationships I’ve been able to build. For me, with this consistency, and self love/work, comes stability.
Thank you Sarah! I think the more open I have become, the better my friendships have been. I’ve learnt more about myself and in turn, realised who is genuine in my life. I’m glad you have kept up the consistency 🙂
To me, freedom is being open to new experiences and possibilities, but staying true to who I am and my core values. People often dismiss stability as constraining and almost the opposite of freedom, but as long as you don’t seek stability out of fear, finding it can show that we’ve found our place in life. I loved reading your thoughts on this interesting and complex topic – the beauty of your writing never fails to amaze me! And the photos are gorgeous as always xox
I love how you said as long as you don’t seek stability out of fear. I think that’s what most people do. I had a friend who was consumed by the idea of needing to have a partner before she turned 30. She would almost date anyone.
Thank you for your kind words as always! xxx
You speak to many old parts of me deeply and clearly. So many choices are made as an escape from ourselves. So many people we keep close just so they can make decisions for us. It is in being miserable we keep finding some kind of freedom. Feels like a comfortable stability to be anchored to someone, something …that takes us away from ourselves. by “not telling the world my inner mind, I was free to never get hurt” – so much pain gets held in this false belief.
Even though there can be those who misuse me, now that I am a open book, the freedom and stability that I feel- helps me not be affected as much.
I had a best friend for about 15 years, and towards the end of our friendship, I thought I was holding on just because we had been close for so long. But I realised that I depended on her to tell me everything. I felt that her advice was somehow more valuable and worth taking than my own.
So I used her as stability which took away my freedom.
I feel the exact same way about people who misuse me. Now that I’m free and open, I have less care or fear that it will happen.