People ask me where I’m from. I reply, “partly South American, English, and with German ancestry”. They wonder if I travel to South America, to visit relatives or head to a second home. “No”, I say. I have never been in my life – unfortunately. My granddad was a genius who won a scholarship to study in Ireland, moved up three years in school and married my half-English, half-German grandmother. They settled in Zambia. These types of questions, I can handle. It’s racial fetishism that triggers mixed-race problems.
What do I mean by racial fetishism?
It first occurred in high-school. I started to hear – “I like mixed-race girls”, as though that was a compliment I should humbly accept. Never once did I imagine a guy choosing to admire, not my eyes or my lips, but my background and stereotypical aesthetics.
As shocking as some believe, we are not all the same. Being bi-racial – you only have to look at celebrities. Halle Berry and Mariah Carey are both mixed, and they have very different features. I guess when a person groups mixed-race as a whole, they are assuming an olive complexion.
Is it okay to have a ‘thing’ for mixed-race women?
Friends have admitted to particularly liking mixed-race women, and I know that my ex tends to date a tanned-skinned, specific look, but I struggle to make sense of it all. I’ve dated men from varying backgrounds and races. I’ve had two actual boyfriends – one from Zambia, the other from Britain.
I’m sure we’ve all had conversations before, where we’ve stated our preferences. Perhaps tall, dark and handsome, or a muscular physique with a dashing smile. As this Huffington Post article explains, the world of dating is racist, and much of it is based on stereotypes. Whether that’s physical attributes like a black man being well-endowed, or a typecast like Sophia Vergara playing a passionate, Latina woman.
However, the Huffington piece also goes on to suggest that people can’t help who they fancy, and that racial preference is not racist. It’s problematic, when some choose to have blanket bans and disregard an entire race completely. Which I agree with.
I don’t mind a partner having a fondness for my colour and ethnicity. It’s when they go for me specifically – when they make a point of telling me that I’m part of what they like; as though I’m a ‘thing’. I’m not an exotic animal to behold, or a piece of race for you to tick off on your sexual fantasy list. That’s when I start thinking about mixed-race problems.
Mixed-race fetishism in society
It’s not just about relationships and dating. Mixed-race babies have become a trend on social-media. The account – mixedracedbiesig has 284k followers. Look closely on the images, you’ll notice a favourite, hidden racism among the kids.
Children who have more ‘white features’ – green or blue eyes and ‘white hair’, have triple the number of uploads and likes, compared to those with brown eyes or ‘black hair’. I myself have heard that I would appear far better looking, if my eyes were green or blue.
Not to mention, repeatedly being told that my babies will be beautiful – you know, with all their mixed features. Humorous to me now, as I grew up in a school with girls around me who said how blonde hair and blue eyes were the best. I didn’t like being biracial then, and now it’s glorified.
“Mixed-race girls are all pretty”; “You’re so lucky you have a natural tan”.
Mixed-race problems with fetishism needs to stop
Despite myself having dual heritage and cultural backgrounds, I don’t admire the racial undertones of selecting a race and classifying their babies as cute and their women as hot. The fetishism of any race is wrong; period.
Mixed-race problems include issues like the one-drop rule in America – Meghan Markle has faced accusations of trying to hold on to her white privilege, by equally identifying with both sides of her race, and perhaps she’s not ‘black enough’ to make a stand on racial issues.
I can only dream that we will get to a place one day, where it truly doesn’t matter if you’re black or white, or in-between. A place where my little half-sisters don’t have to keep explaining how we’re sisters, because their mum is not mixed like mine.
The saddest part of being a makeup artist, was handling encouragement by females, to either make their foundation darker or lighter. I’m not away from this trait, as I have worn natural, fake tan.
To potential future partners out there, please don’t attempt to draw me in by immediately letting me know you’re okay with my colour. Don’t group me in a box because of it. And seriously – I’ve not just been on holiday; my hair is real and I’m genuinely not Spanish!
I’ve discussed mixed-race problems because that’s what I’ve experienced and known. Can you relate to stereotypes relating to your own ethnicity? Maybe even from the country you reside?
If you loved this post read:
I Am More Than Female Stereotypes
Why I Embrace Being Called Crazy
Female Empowerment: Why I Celebrate the Decline of Female Magazines
Thank you for this article! Helped me
Thank you for reading. I’m glad it helped!
I honestly never felt like I had this problem. I live in an extremely diverse area of the United States. While I passed for Portuguese (white), and always caught everyone off guard when I told them that not only was I Hispanic, but I was of Dominican descent. “yes, I am Dominican.” “yes, both are my parents were born and raised there.” “yes, I speak Spanish”. It’s quite frustrating to see the least.
While I’ve dated people that all look very different, I have noticed that there are certain features that tend to lure me in more than others, and I gravitate towards them without me even noticing. While my preferences in what I like my men to look like, I have typically dated, caramel skinned toned Hispanics with dark hair and dark eyes. It seems to be what I like! I didn’t even notice, which is funny.
You know what’s crazy, when I went to Brussels, people asked me where I was from because I looked so “exotic”. I have never heard myself described as that in my entire life. I was honestly quite baffled. I mean I guess I didn’t look like I was of German/Belgian descent, but still! Great post Laura, really got me thinking! xx
Melina | http://www.melinaelisa.com
I just have to say, I’m jealous you speak Spanish! It’s a language I’ve always wanted to learn, and it always annoyed me that I was forced to learn French in school.
Despite how diverse the world is becoming, people still can’t get their heads around the idea of mixed-race. I think people are so use to looking at someone and immediately assuming their background, that they can’t help but ask when someone looks ‘different’.
I think it’s natural to go for a particular type. I genuinelly don’t think I have one though. According to my friends, I never go for looks – their way of saying my exes aren’t attractive. xx
Lmfaooo, I want to learn french next! There’s still always time to learn another language!
That’s true! I know some basic Spanish at least and I can sing the chorus of Amor Prohibido 🙂 It’s baby steps right! xx
you gotta start somewhere! You ever wanna practice with someone, you can always ask me 🙂 x
Okay….Es Muy Guapo…is that the boy is cute? Haha wait. How do you say this is a beautiful photo? I can start using it on Instagram 🙂 x
lmfaoo, yeah! it literally translates to “he is very cute”! The best translation would be “Qué foto hermosa!” it means what a beautiful photo!
Thank you – time to practice some spanish 😛
Ps: if it makes you feel better my friends always said that I could go for someone much better looking, cause while i’m “upgrading” every time i date someone new, i could still do better . I supposed it’s cause my confidence keeps increasing that I’m getting better looking guys? Idk
I’ve just never gone for typically attractive men. I’m not really sure wny. I usually fall for the guy’s personality and then start to find them attractive. xx
lmfaoo, my first serious boyfriend was pretty unattractive, he was a bit charming, because of his personality, but definitely not someone who I would call attractive in the slightest. After he fucked me over, it was crazy how ugly I really saw he was!
Good riddance to him! I guarentee he will look back one day and think, how did I let a hot girl go? Especially when I’m this ugly lol x
lmfaoo, I’m totally glad we’re not together, he started dating someone much younger, got married, and accidentally got her pregnant! Gotta say I’m glad it’s not me ! x
Yes, definitely dodged a bullet!! x
very interesting post
Honestly I always envvy families with mixed race parents… in my opinion could only became an advantage for their sons/daughter of being more open mind beside already “home trained” in more than a language 🙂
I could also sum what people call “problem” as a square view of humanity. As example, huge parts of America were UK colony and then became one of the leading country of the planet.
Real question is … what are people afraid of?? 🙂
I unfortunately only speak English. I think it really depends where a person is brought up. As my mum moved to England quite young, she doesn’t really connect with her South American side.
I think a lot of racism does spring up from fear. It’s a shame that colour is viewed so differently. Thank you for reading 🙂
Race fetishism is gross, especially when they just say “i want an exotic girl”.. as if they’re talking about some kind of animal. I don’t know if I’ve experienced like a race fetishism, but I have talked to some guys who have been like “Oh you’re from Norway? No wonder you’re pretty, I love all Norwegian girls.” and then they go on about how the stereotypical blonde hair and blue eyes is their favorite look.. Meanwhile I have jet black hair and gray, pale eyes. Couldn’t be further from what they like so I guess it was just based on where I’m from. Either way, it’s awful to fetishize someone’s ethnicity, especially because no one can choose where they’re from or what they look like.
I don’t know the correct term, but there is fetishism for women from a particular country. I hear people go on about blue eyes and blonde hair in Sweden as well. I bet half the time, the people who go on about wanting an exotic girl from a certain place, haven’t even been to that country.
It is disgusting, and I think the porn industry and Hollywood really plays on stereotypes. It’s kind of hidden racism that’s acceptable in society.
BIG FAT YES to your question. Where do I begin?
Well, I guess I’ll start with the fetishism. I’ve had a fair few complete strangers ask me out out of nowhere. I like to think I’m quite intuitive and instantly I knew I was being selected because of my race/colour. It wasn’t because I had an interesting personality and they wanted to know me better – no it couldn’t have been because we had barely ever encountered before. It pains me to say but some of these guys have no pride – they’re so desperate. And it’s not as if I think so highly of myself or anything but it’s an instant turn-off if all I am for someone is an “Asian fantasy”.
Funny story – one guy added me on Facebook years back. I was 18/19 at the time, so still really young and naive. I thought nothing of it and added him back since we had some mutual friends. (Lesson learnt there…never do that.) He almost instantly started chatting to me and the most awkward thing was that he turned out to be an ex of my classmate at the time, and I just so happened to have caught his eye cos of my race. He persistently asked me out online. It was pretty obvious on his profile that he had an Asian fetish – I’ll just leave it at that but yeah, not a great experience.
As for the race question…I don’t mind people asking about my race but it’s the ignorance and assumption that people have of it. Oh and that question, “where are you from?…no, where are you REALLY from?” bugs me.
This is a topic I have wanted to talk about for ages, but never knew how to address.
I’m so with you on the assumptions. I don’t mind people asking the general questions, because it’s usually curiosity that makes people wonder. But when they say…where are you actually from, or why don’t you visit your other country? Do you not care about knowing who you are etc, I’m thinking, that’s quite a heavy conversation to have.
The fetish thing is so annoying. It’s really celebrated in Hollywood and the porn industry. And it’s funny because sometimes, a guy will go for you specifically for your background, or they will be turned off immediately. Because hidden racism is still so high in society.
When I was dating a guy from Zambia, I remember other men saying like oh he scored a mixed-race girl.
Shame about the Facebook guy, but at least you realised quickly and didn’t end up meeting or anything!
Ha, me and Facebook guy actually had about 3 mutual friends! He was pretty good friends with one of the guys from my then-workplace at the time as well as best friends with a classmate from high school. I actually asked my high school mate about him (not cos I was interested but to give the benefit of the doubt) but eh, I always think it’s different for guys than it is for girls, y’know? Anyways, one time at work I had to hear from someone else that apparently FB guy had told his friend that we were going out/seeing each other which really was not the case. I remember one time after work, I saw him outside and although I think it was probably to hang out with his friend who worked on the floor below me, I couldn’t have walked faster to avoid any point of contact – I was just that freaked out. I even confronted my then-classmate about him (her ex) and even she said he essentially came on too strong and I fully agree with that . Obviously he had a different story.
I find it weird that people feel boldy enough to declare that they are with someone, when that’s not been discussed! I could never do it lol.
At least that guy is a thing of the past. Some guys like to make up stories, but I just think – let them get on with it. People will know soon enough, that their reality is warped.
It is always so damn interesting to have a story as answer to where you from, right? I always believe the mixed cultural backgrounds , if enriched by the person, leads to a rather admirable personality !!
I’ve never thought about personality before being linked directly to background. Discussing my background has come in handy when answering…tell me a bit about yourself questions. Sometimes I can never think of anything else to say!