It’s winter in Paris. My coffee cup is keeping me warm, along with my beret, snug gloves and cosy boots. I have the day to explore, before I go home and write my column. This is my happy place. Sometimes I visit it when I’m lost with my thoughts. But a few days ago, I visited another happy place: love, cigars and late birthdays.
It started with a message to my ex
We finally met up after more than a year apart and as I expected, our chemistry didn’t falter. So much had happened and the world had spun by, and yet there we were. Because he couldn’t make my actual birthday, he arranged for a couple of candled cakes to arrive at locations we went too.
I’m not quite sure if it felt like my birthday, though I had reason to celebrate.
A new job has meant I’m now working a full-time 9-5, with an awfully long commute. My failed attempts at creating blog drafts, meant I spent a week abandoning one of my favourite loves. No matter what goes on – there’s always my blog.
This new career path means writing for a cigar company. As a health freak, this is the last category I imagined my name associated with. It turns out however, that most of my office are health freaks to.
I smoked my first cigar
Ignoring my once failed attempt in Miami, I tried my hardest to look like I played a character in a 50’s gangster flick, only I looked like I was starring in a parody.
I guess if I become an actress, cigar smoking won’t be labelled as a hidden talent.
For most of my life, I’ve rebelled against my good-girl image. I’ve tried to pretend that I’m a little recklessly fun, and a little bad even outside the bedroom. But when I puffed on that cigar, it finally hit me. My life’s been spent overly sweet.
I don’t smoke, drink (minus a night every couple of months) and I frown upon the Tinder culture. I’ve never slept around or done anything too wild. Sometimes I’m pulled in situations where I lose my control, however, I’m losing control based on someone else’s choice. I’m merely a Pinocchio being shook on a string.
I started to wonder, how many times have I lived for me? Do I know what I want, or am I going along with expectations and presumptions on how one should be?
Love, cigars and free
The thing about my partner, is that when I’m with him, my brain flows freely like a bird. It’s like all the noise and pointless analysis which conjures time in my day, just suddenly stops. I switch off from feeling discontent or misplaced. Because I get restless easy.
I’m forever chasing perfection and trying to perfect my previous achievements. I’m continually trying to make myself more – never appreciating the progress or the journey I’m undertaking.
I have a soul – or a spirit, which wants to be one in a million. All the while, it tells itself there’s a million reasons I’m not one.
I suppose the biggest conundrum to a dreamer, is how to make their dreams live. How do we really fly free, when society wants to shackle us to reality? We’re told to find sensible jobs, to afford a sensible home, to raise sensible children, and hopefully make a sensible partner.
No one believes in the story of a girl with nothing but a dollar, until that girl is Madonna.
Love, cigars and birthday wishes
Choosing to reconnect with my now non-ex, is a decision no one has affected. I have 100% committed myself to doing that, in the same way I chose to create The Style of Laura Jane. There are not many things I can say I’ve done, purely with no persuasion.
So, my wish this year, along with love, cigars and late birthdays, is to make more personal decisions; find time to follow my sense of wild. Which maybe is a weekend break to Paris, or a spontaneous trip somewhere else.
Maybe it’s just to quieter the sound around me, and keep up with my dreamer mentality. After all, without my dreams, I wouldn’t be typing any of these words – they wouldn’t have happened, and neither would this blog.
What are your dreams this year? How many of your decisions are affected by other people?
Great post, thank you for sharing.
Thank you! 🙂
You shocked me with that pic of you with a cigar in your mouth.
Best of luck with the new job.
Belated happy birthday
Apologies for my late reply! I can’t see myself becoming a cigar smoker, but it was interesting to try. And thank you! Hope you’re okay.
Yass girl, live for you. Live the life you want to live. I’m glad you reconnected with your ex, if it’s what makes you happy. I wish you all the happiness in the world during this year 🙂 xx
Melina | http://www.melinaelisa.com
Thank you Melina! I wish you all the happiness this year as well. xx
It is so hard NOT to live for other people and let other peoples opinions affect yours, BUT you have to live for yourself and I am so happy you are doing that! I hope this year is amazing for you sweets! <3
Thank you girl!! It is really hard to just live for myself, but I’m starting to realise that life is too short to not follow my opinions. Hope you have an amazing year too. xx
Lovely post as always, I m so happy that u reconnect with your ex….u know what…
Emotional distance is a beautiful thing.
Thank you lovely! I think time can definitely make the heart grow fonder, or make you realise what you truly want. 🙂
Ohh your posts are always so dreamy, I feel like I’m in my own little world. This was wonderful and I’m so glad you’re making decisions that are right for YOU. I don’t know if this sounds weird or not but you’re like a WOMAN. You know? Not like there’s a definition for that of course, but I hope you get what I mean – you embrace being a woman. To me, that’s bad and ‘reckless’ in itself, you don’t need the other things to go with it! xx
Hey girl, apologies for my late reply! You write the sweetest comments! I do get what you mean by embracing being a woman. I guess I do let other voices get to me, and sometimes forget that I’m absolutely fine – I don’t need to be more reckless or ‘bad’.
I hope you’re okay and catching up on blog posts soon. xx
Great post as always girl and sounds like you had an amazing time, happy for you <3 Glad you were able to reconnect with your ex and try new things 🙂
Thank you lovely!! We are taking it one step at a time and seeing where it goes 🙂 x
🙂 Great post – though not sure I’d enjoy the cigar myself but I don’t mind the champagne!
nataliesdailylife.wordpress.com
Thank you Natalie! I surprisingly liked the cigar. Once I figured it out, I find it relaxing. But I can’t see myself smoking them on a routine basis.
Better not on a regular basis – don’t think they too good for your health!
Yay, go you girl. Continue doing you and making decisions that are best for you. I have recently realised how I had been going through the motions rather than doing the things I wanted for myself.
For what it’s worth I think you look incredibly bad ass smoking a cigar xx
Thank you!! Sorry for my late response – finally getting back into blogging. I hope you’re doing things for yourself now and focusing on what you want. 🙂 xx