In a classic Sex and the City episode, Carrie turns up to Mr. Big and Natasha’s engagement party just before they’re about to leave. While Natasha is waiting in the car, Carrie asks Mr. Big why he didn’t choose her. After a stutter and awkward response, Carrie mirrors Streisand’s character Katie in ‘The Way We Were’, strokes Mr. Big’s hair and says “Your girl is lovely, Hubbell”. A poetic way to explain Carrie accepting herself as a difficult woman.
For those who haven’t watched ‘The Way We Were’, the character Katie is an opinionated, political activist who is outspoken on numerous issues affecting society. She falls for Hubbell, a WWII soldier turned writer. With their different upbringings and views on life, they repeatedly disagree and both become too much. Katie wants more from Hubbell and his simplicity while he finds her exhausting. Eventually separating, Hubbell marries a more easy-going woman.
A difficult woman is inspirational
It’s rare to find an opinion piece online mirroring my word-for-word sentiment. Lucy Foley’s essay for Vogue “Why I love Difficult Women” summarises my feelings entirely. It’s an issue I’ve discussed before on my post I Am More than Female Stereotypes. Foley writes about admiring difficult women – women not afraid to speak up, let their thoughts be known and “challenge the status quo” – and discusses how she wants to become known as one but struggles as a people pleaser.
Though females are secretly celebrated in society for being kind, gentle and delicate, any sign of weakness and a woman is usually taken advantage of. Though I haven’t mastered the art of saying no and standing up for every belief, I am developing the strength of a difficult woman. I’m beginning to stop letting others voice their opinions. I’m growing weary of one-sided friendships and relationships where men try wrapping me in a preferred box.
As Foley said, a difficult woman is inspirational. History celebrates women like Marilyn Monroe who fought her studio bosses and Elizabeth I who refused to marry and give away her power. Women who go for want they want and defy anyone who tells them they can’t. It’s the ultimate female empowerment description. Why is it still negative for women to possess such levels of ambition?
The dainty ideals of femininity only work to box women and stick them in a cage. Not showing skin, not voicing strong views and acting innocently unaware of life.
Sex Appeal
There’s no such thing as a difficult man. Men are ambitious; powerful. A 2017 Fox News article speaks about men just wanting a woman who’s nice. The writer Suzanne Venker shares her thoughts on women being afraid to act nice in case they are seen as a pushover. She says men like “women who are easy to love.”
What is easy? Being a difficult woman doesn’t mean I’m not nice or thoughtful. It doesn’t mean I don’t take pleasure in cooking for a man or taking care of them. Growing up quiet and unable to handle confrontation, I felt taken for granted by my closest friends. Going out of my way to visit them, attending their activities when they found excuses for not agreeing to mine.
A couple of years ago, I cancelled out relationships and started putting my thoughts first. I spent my early twenties always worrying about men and whether I’d find a husband and someone willing to love me. Now I realise the shortness of my time and the need to put my dreams first. I am a difficult woman. I’m not 100% there and have a way to go before I master business. Yet I continue to voice my opinions, follow the path I want and not let my natural kindness stand in my way.
How do you feel about this subject? Do you think society boxes women too much, or can you easily be seen as difficult and nice?
This!! This is possibly the best I’ve ever read! I agree on every word!
Like you said, men aren’t called difficult, they’re strong or powerful or something. We on the other hand are “hard to deal with”. If that’s what they want to call it, fine, call me difficult or anything, I’m proud of it 🙂
Thank you!! This is the exact message I wanted people to get when reading this. It’s about saying okay – society is going to call me difficult as though it’s negative, here’s me saying difficult is great.
Rather than arguing and trying to defend why I’m not.
Can totally relate! All these years, for the past 15 years, I’ve always been so nice and putting everyone first (being selfless). I’ve always listened to my parents in being the perfect daughter and I never really gave importance to feminism. Now, I’ve realized that I need to focus on myself and my dreams first and I’ve started to really support and encourage feminism. I feel much happier and more confident being a strong woman and yes, people might not like difficult women and boxes women too much but I personally enjoy difficult women and we def need more of those out there. Awesome post girl ❤️
I’ve started really encouraging feminism as well. It’s something a few years ago, I didn’t think twice about. But as I grow and focus on myself, I’m realising how important it is. I feel happier as well. Sometimes there’s guilt when saying no or sticking up for myself at first but then it goes away and I feel strong. Thank you for reading lovely. x
Really enjoyed this. I’m also going through a period of realising (or not really realising, I’m know I am) ‘I’m too nice’ and wont say fully how I feel for the fear of hurting others. I prefer the notion ‘strong woman’ to difficult. Just because you do what’s in the best interest of you, doesn’t make you difficult, but instead strong and all the more beautiful. Keep hustling & stop at nothing!
Thank you! I used the word difficult because I think for some, women who are ambitious and determined are seen negatively. So I wanted to use a negative word and say actually, this is a great thing. I get where you’re coming from though and agree that it doesn’t make you difficult by doing what’s in your best interest. Thank you for reading! 🙂
The title captivated me. So I had to read this article :D! I agree with every word you said, except that I don’t like the sound of “difficult woman”. It’s demeaning in itself. I’d rather say a strong woman, someone who knows what she wants, who knows how to love herself, who knows how to respect herself, a powerful woman, a smart woman,… Any man who’d say that a woman is difficult really has his brains in his balls or he doesn’t have any… Glad my man understands the subtle difference… xoxo Sarah
Thank you Sarah! I think women who aren’t easily persuaded and have their own thoughts and ideas they’re not afraid to share etc, are still associated as difficult and potrayed negatively. So I wanted to take this ‘difficult woman’ idea and showcase it in a good way. To me difficult woman is not demeaning because of how I choose to look at it, but I understand your point. Thank you for taking the time to read and comment! xxx
Indeed :). I get what you mean… In that sense, I think being “difficult” is good and becomes a standard…
I love this post! Difficult women are the best <3
They certainly are! Thank you 🙂 x
I loved every line and and what you said especially the last paragraph – I love the clarity of your thoughts and I agree with you 🙂
Thank you! I’m glad you loved reading. As always, I appreciate your thoughts and hope you have a lovely week. 🙂