A woman’s self-respect depicts in the clothes she wears, the body parts she flaunts. The men or women she takes home, the society rules she chooses to break. Never wear a skirt too low or a top too open, my mother voiced silently as my teenage cleavage faced her stepping out. I didn’t think building self-respect possible. I thought it was something you chose. Something you learnt after years of failure.
The obvious type
Self-respect meant nothing to me. Self-esteem did – I’ve always wanted to think highly of myself. My best friend in high school loved putting her body on display like a catwalk model on a Victoria Secret runway. She openly flirted, let it be known when her eyes admired the sight of a man. Her entire demeanour pleaded for attention. Cravings she always managed to feed.
I wanted people – men to notice me, but then I didn’t. Tinsel shine wrapped my forehead and cheeks; dalmatian spots unequally inherited my skin while my fine, newspaper thin hair dangled on me as though misplaced. I bought a tube of poisonous red, lips lacquered and Wonderbra suited. Mini everything in sizes too small. Heels worn casually and skyscrapers at night.
When men crawled and crumbs of intrigue greeted me, I hadn’t a clue what to do. What to say or how to react. I blushed, shook and snapped with sarcastic aggression as a technique to claw power over my frantic mind.
Is it about being strong?
My first taste of building self-respect was to buy longer clothes; buttons up, hide feelings and stop openly sending explicit photos and kissing guys who hadn’t respectfully remembered my full name. I thought it was a control thing – not being taken advantage of. Letting others know you’re worth and not accepting anything less.
Being a strong woman. Sitting at home eating cookies and not a romantic dinner if need be. Building self-respect meant taking pride in your appearance. Caring enough about your body to say no. Exercising restraint; giving up comfort for hard work and committed duty. This I couldn’t grasp. I ran – galloped to men who I dreamt could rescue me. Love over everything else – small bites of pleasure.
These foolish notions of building self-respect served me nothing but false vanity. Feeling stupidly good for hand gesturing a no thank you when boxes of chocolate offered themselves around a family party. Naively empowered saying no to a free drink from a man who had the remarkable qualities of a brick wall. Mentally shaking my head side-to-side at the idea of minimal fabric on a night out.
Why is the word no so forcefully linked to building self-respect?
Is a yes person always too easy? My greatest writer of all time, Joan Didion, in 1961 published an essay in American Vogue on self-respect. She eloquently wrote “character–the willingness to accept responsibility for one’s own life–is the source from which self-respect springs”. Another line from her essay capturing my understanding – “people with self-respect have the courage of their mistakes. They know the price of things. If they choose to commit adultery, they do not then go running”.
They don’t deny themselves of their actions. What a thought when my life is a melodrama of self-blame and self-excuses. All the what if’s and should off’s I’ve analysed with silent violins. Decisions I’ve made without the ability to accept consequences. Building self-respect is much more than bubble baths and kind words. Joan penned “self-respect is a discipline, a habit of mind that can never be faked but can be developed, trained, coaxed forth”.
It’s a mentality to love yourself enough to live your own choices. Building self-respect doesn’t solely mean leaving a partner or working out at a gym. Rather, a conscious acceptance to not turn your back on deliberate failure. If you’re going to love, love. Cry about heartbreak and scream anger at abrupt ending, just don’t wallow pity and blame on loving in the first place. Have discipline to admit the world is scary and frighteningly cold, yet greater comfort is felt sailing through crashing seas.
There’s no necessity to deprecate after gorging. To pose naked in the mirror and frown at areas particular to hate. Building self-respect means freedom from easy routes and learnt behaviour. I don’t have to confess my sins and dress myself to simplistic respectability. I assign my face to daily confrontation; don’t tell my ill-advised mind how senseless it is undertaking wrong, don’t banish brave feet from deep water. Hold my head up high when apologising; open my eyes when dipping polished toes in drowning danger.
How do you interpet self-respect?
Great post Laura ! I m a big fan of yours and your emotional intelligence is fascinating !
Thank you! You’ve put a huge smile on my face 🙂
Thank you!!! Self-love is talked about all time and like you say, while that’s great, I feel more needs to be said on self-respect. The term is linked to sex and what a woman wears but rarely talked about in terms of actions. Like not being weighed down by opinions and giving in to pressure etc.
Thank you soo much for your comment! x
I never really gave importance to self-respect much and would always nod to what people told me to do but over time, esp after reading your posts and other articles online, I kind of take the time to ponder over these questions. I’ve started to take it seriously and I feel that it def is really important to build self-respect by being confident about yourself and taking the time for self-care. I feel that women need to stand up for themselves and their choices and not let men or anyone have control over their goals, desires, etc. Love your posts girl, always inspiring
Thank you lovely! I never gave much thought about feminism or female empowerment until I started researching topics for my blog. I think it’s so important women stand up for themselves and think about their choices without overly focusing on society stereotypes.
It’s important to have self-respect because one thing I’ve learnt, is if you don’t have it, not many people will treat you with general respect.
I’ve never thought about self respect…
For me it’s a lot about if I love myself and do things that are good for me, that I like, that I want, then I feel good about myself and my life. And if I feel good about that, I feel like that’s self respect, to me.
I think I managed to get that into words the right way, it’s more like it’s “stuck” as feelings and hard to get into words 🙂
You wrote your words beautifully! I wouldn’t change a thing :). People talk a lot about self love and self care, I thought the idea of self respect so interesting.
I’ve always thought about it in terms of how others perceive me. Not wanting to look a certain way etc. And I’ve finally realised it’s about respecting myself enough to live my life freely. 🙂
To me, self-respect means to love yourself unconditionally. It means to not critisize yourself. To not be abusive toward yourself whether that’s in your mind, out loud or physically. Self-respect means to treat yourself how you’d want others to treat your loved ones. To accept your shortcomings and to not see them as failings but instead to forgive yourself for being human. Self respect is setting yourself the high standards you deserve and believing that you don’t deserve to settle for anything less. It means dressing however the hell you want to, and never doubting your decisions. Taking confidence in who you are and being unapologetic about it. Confidently and truly believing your worth. Simply loving yourself unconditionally.
Self love and self respect are pretty synonymous to me – self respect being a more specific form of self love. If you truly love yourself unconditionally you treat yourself with respect unconditionally.
I love your description! I always seperated self love and self respect as though two different things. I didn’t link self respect to the way I viewed myself.
I’m glad I now realise it is about being confident who you are and the choices you make. Writing this post has made me aware of how many negative thoughts I tell myself and why it needs to change.
Thank you so much for taking the time to read and comment. 🙂