It takes two to tango and one to finish the dance. Bad sex isn’t okay. I don’t care how charming, attractive and nice – bad sex is like dating a charitable person in the day who robs your neighbourhood at night. In other words, just no.
Statistics reveal most women aren’t happy
The Independent published research from Public Health England, stating over “one in four British women” are not enjoying sex. A Glamour article talks about the taboo of discussing female pleasure. As society markets sex as a man’s game – they think about it every 3 seconds and will never say no, right – women can lag behind.
As mentioned in my post on Female Sexual Liberation, studies suggest women suffer from a pleasure gap. Upon researching this piece, I found several help letters from women asking magazine sex columnists whether it matters their ‘near perfect’ boyfriend doesn’t satisfy them. In The Guardian, journalist Mariella asks a woman why she’s willing to accept a life partner who can’t fulfil a “vital” and “justifiable need”.
Admitting a high sex drive and high need for sexual intimacy can create ‘up for anything’ labels. I consider myself very sexual, but I downplay this, because I don’t want it to read: ‘yes, I’ll sleep with you straight away’. If women felt more comfortable talking about self-pleasure, they could easier share what they want under the sheets. Astonishingly, some women have no clue. Refinery29 published an article on the different ways women can climax. It reveals there are 14 different types to experience – wow.
You have yourself to blame
“F*ck me badly once, shame on you. F*ck me badly twice, shame on me” – Samantha Jones.
Both genders should take responsibility. I was having middle of the road sex – good, nothing to scream about. After breaking up, I joined the sex toy user club and quickly figured how to climax. I went back to the guy I was seeing and we experienced hours of pleasure. And we communicated after, acknowledged what was wrong and listened to each other on how to improve. We never tolerated average again. Hollywood loves depicting great sex as two people who automatically put the right gears in motion.
It usually takes a minute to figure what a person wants. And as I’ve learnt, if you sit back and wait for a person to tap buttons wearing a blindfold, you’ll be waiting possibly forever. Women may get boxed as creatures who agree to intercourse to keep a man happy, but we’re running out of excuses for not fighting back. Cosmopolitan alone, has every sexual how to guide available. No one ought to fake it in 2019 or feel weird to express their wishes.
This summer, I foolishly contended with bad sex. I laid on sheets uncomfortable and irritated. Did a few polite moans and thought to myself, at any moment, this guy is going to change position, kiss my neck or do something worth my attention. He didn’t. And I didn’t – I was equally to blame for not trying. I believe it was the fear of me becoming the negative annoyance. When you like someone, you want to impress and show yourself as sexy. Caught in the moment, I didn’t know how to say this isn’t good, in a way which wouldn’t interrupt the mood.
Moving on from bad sex
Magazines teach us to focus on positive feedback. Instead of saying: “That doesn’t feel good”, change it to: “Why don’t we try this?” Unless a person has no interest or willingness to experiment, you can’t blame bad sex on one person. If you’re having a one-night stand or a casual fling, that’s the perfect opportunity to be selfish honest and explore a fantasy. You have nothing to lose. If you’re making love with your significant other, even more opportunity to voice what you want. If a person cares they’ll have an urge to ensure you’re both happy.
Healthline has shared tips for women on how to avoid bad sex. Their list includes masturbation and starting with the right mindset. If communicating what you want in person feels daunting, sexting makes a difference. Sending nude photos helped me view myself as sexy and get comfortable with my body naked. Dancing also helped with getting me confident to work my hips. Messaging a person prior, builds anticipation, and equally reveals titbits of what they want. So, learning about your body, feeling confident with your appearance, and finding out about their turn-ons beforehand, hopefully stops disappointment.
The better you educate yourself on your needs, the better someone else can deliver. If you don’t know what works for you, how can another? And if you believe a woman’s solution to pleasure is through her G-spot, think again. Insider investigated the infamous spot and discovered it likely doesn’t exist. The article explains recent researchers have struggled to locate – gynaecologist Dr. Jen Gunter believes it’s a myth.
Read: Why Are We Sexually Attracted to Accents?
Ultimately, don’t accept bad sex
If it’s unacceptable for a person to go for dinner with you and not form sentences, it’s not acceptable for a person to play sleeping lion during intimacy. Women need to feel liberated to talk about their pleasure – including self-pleasure, and to view sex as an ecstasy for them as well as who they’re with. If I’m dating someone and routinely spending the night unhappy, regardless of their delight the sex is bad. If I talk about it and ask to try new things, it’s non-negotiable for them to ignore my thoughts.
Some people aren’t sexually compatible and some differ in how much they need. Couples go through dry spells and life issues can get in the way. It’s dreamland to expect non-stop thrills on a constant basis. With that said, if someone is deeply unsatisfied and their partner refuses to budge – there’s no baby or event causing the problem, why settle? If you have a ticket for passion with another, why let the ticket expire?
Melina Elisa says
This was such an interesting post! I COMPLETELY AGREE! The last person I was dating was pretty bad in bed, and while i gave him pointers and stuff, it just didn’t get better! While it was definitely not the reason we ended it, it definitely added onto the fact. Great post xxx
Melina | melinaelisa.com
Thank you! I don’t know if it’s a woman thing or people in general, but sex is seen as less important.
It’s hard to go forward with improving if nothing changed after pointers. I think some guys just assume what worked for one women will work for every woman. Thank you for reading Melina xxx
This post is amazing! So empowering and well research
Thank you so much! 🙂
K.M. Sutton says
I LOVE this! It is SO true I feel like bad sex is settling and NO one should settle. Thanks for sharing this and not shying away from important topics! <3
Thank you girl! Topics like this are really fun for me to write about, because I like the research behind it.
Ineteresting post LauraJ. I gues what I am going to give you is the flip side to this issue. Yes, settled for bad sex before. Now, years later, I realize it was my fault for not being more open about needs and not being able to penetrate my partner’s reluactance to discuss sex. I tried for a few yeats, but eventually had to give up. Broke it off politely, but honestly, everything about the young lady was perfect – except for sex.
I like what you did with your middle of the road partner. It is what every couple should do. Experiment. Communicate. Search for solutions until everyone is satisfied.
I believe bad sex will eventually ruin a good relationship.
I use to do the same – I was never open about my needs. And I had no how to express them, so I’d just accept not being satisfied. I feel some people think compatability in the bedroom is an optional thing, but I’d say it’s as important as good conversation and general chemistry.
I think it’s always good to experiment and look for solutions first, before writing someone off as bad.
Thank you for sharing your input Andrew.