With my sister out the house, I had time to sneak in her room and browse the book she was borrowing from a friend. Cult classic The Rules: Time-tested Secrets for Capturing the Heart of Mr. Right. In short, the self-help guide my teenage eyes browsed, advocated old-school ladylike manners. Don’t message, call, initiate a date or say I love you first. Don’t message too late at night – a man will view you as easy sex, and do NOT over conversate. Since this anti-feminist book launched in 1995, what’s changed? Should women follow dating rules?
According to Oprah, no
In the Oprah Magazine, writer Michelle Darrisaw argues against traditional dating rules. She debunks women playing hard to get, not splitting the bill and not discussing serious topics on dates. Most females at some stage, ask their friends how to behave in the beginning of a courtship. And nearly all friends say: “Make sure you don’t look desperate”. You end up playing hard to get because you fear looking to available.
It’s about control and power. Isn’t that why women hold off sex – pretending it’s about figuring if a man is serious? Once you give a man sex, what else can you dangle? He’s got what he wanted and now he can ghost and celebrate his winnings. This archaic view lingers in today’s dating world. My post: First Date Sex: Still Taboo?, includes research suggesting most women don’t mind getting under the sheets on a first date. Yet I remember comments and DM’s from females who had read the post, telling me they wouldn’t agree to early intercourse.
It’s difficult to decipher how much that choice is linked to old-fashioned advice. When you want a relationship, most rules suggest you do what you can to not look like a one-night fling.
When researching How to Find Love in the City, I read several articles stating the wait for perfection stops people from love. If you follow dating rules, you’ll potentially add to a difficult, nit-picky, must-have list. Do you break up with someone because they like texting you at 11pm? Do you end an exciting match, because a busy man proposes a lunchtime coffee date, and the rules declare serious men request dinner?
Follow dating rules: Do some traditional rituals help?
Glamour Magazine explained 2019 dating terms – cookie jarring, pocketing, benching and stashing – to name a few. Reading the piece, I thought – why have we overcomplicated matchmaking? If you’ve dated someone for months and you’ve not met their friends or family – you don’t need to know the term stashing. You simply follow old words of wisdom and break up. If someone is soft-ghosting and slyly appearing on your social media without communicating, you block them. And if you’re ultimately not happy in a situation, address it or move on.
Some dating rules just make sense. Despite its weirdly specific, ancient advice, The Rules did give some empowerment to women. Learning to not chase a man, for instance; why couldn’t I have understood that earlier? Aged 21, I briefly saw a guy who had no interest in building a relationship. He didn’t want to go on dates at the weekend, he wanted to party. I knew this from the onset – I knew we weren’t going to form a partnership and book Ibiza together. Did that stop me from acting needy? – nope. I chased him like Tom sprinting after Jerry.
Modern dating rules for women are often written by men. Women targeted articles, swoop in charming males who tell women they shouldn’t play games and should always be themselves. The Guardian Soulmates wanted women to know these points – help us learn a “man’s perspective.” (The newspaper has written a similar guide for men wanting women.) Heterosexual male articles usually repeat the same female marketed clichés. This includes “women love surprises” – according to Mantelligence.
I hate surprises – I like preparing my outfits. One date told me he wanted to plan something really fancy; he got too busy at work and ended up taking me to a casual cocktail bar. Fathomable, but not great for me and my 7inch heels.
Read: Our On-Again Off-Again Relationship Addiction
So, should women follow dating rules?
It’s all a tad too sexiest and stereotypical. The moment you begin planning rules to follow, you automatically assume a person’s likes and dislikes. Not every woman wants a guy to plan a romantic dinner, and not every guy wants to take the lead. I’d much prefer a man who asks me about my interests, planning a date inspired by what I reveal. We’re all different – humans are too dissimilar to all follow a set of rigid do’s and don’ts.
Additionally, following dating advice can imply if something goes wrong, you’re too blame. Women can lose self-confidence by questioning whether they over conversated or arranged their next meeting to quickly. It’s easy to get wrapped up in advice columns at a time when ghosting is common behaviour. Before debating why, a man doesn’t want you, consider why you want them? Think about your relationship patterns, insecurities and overall judgement, before memorising stereotypical guidance. These are my relationship rules.
Should women follow dating rules, or men for that matter? Do you stick to rituals when meeting a person, or do you always remain 100% truthful to yourself?
This was a really great post, and got me thinking. I think now a days everyone has to follow their own set of rules. What would apply to one person definitely does not apply to all. I think the same can be said about women and men. I’m not really about the “rules”, but at the same time, i have been that person that doesn’t want to answer a text too quickly for fear of being overly available and them losing interest. Love this post laura xx
Melina | melinaelisa.com
I think women are taught we’re the more emotional and needy gender, and guys absolutely hate too emotional and needy. And also, women are more likely to want a relationship while guys freak out about losing their freedom.
So naturally when we communicate, we worry about looking desperate. If a guy suddenly takes hours to respond, I don’t want to reply to fast, incase it looks like I’ve been waiting all day.
Rules just take the fun out of dating though and like you say, one thing doesn’t apply to all. xxx
I think all of the dating rules of the past have goe out the window. And I must admit I am saddened by it. I am old fashion about dating.
I really like the idea of finding out about a woman’s interesting befor the date to see if I can make the night more interesting for her.
I still think things like finding out about interests before a date happens. And some guys are adament they pay for a first date. But people are more open to ignoring rules like.. a man should text first after a date and you shouldn’t expect sex until the third etc.
What dating rules would you bring back if you could?
I don’t think women should follow dating rules. I mean maybe a few but not all of it. I feel like it’s a bit too much if you’re following everything esp dating by the rules. I feel that both people (man and woman) should just be themselves, accept each other for who they are, have a mutual understanding, and put equal amount of effort into the relationship. I feel like those things matter as long as you’re understanding of each other’s needs/wants. There is no right/wrong way of dating and it should be fun rather than just ticking off criteria on a list or something. Great post love ❤️
Thank you girl. Dating should be fun, and I don’t think people always think about that, because they’re so conscious of themselves and whether a date wants to see them again.
And following rules is just stressful – wondering if you’ve made a mistake etc. x
I remain true to myself and who I am. I mean, that’s who I will be in a relationship, so might as well show myself and what he will get 🙂
That’s a good way of seeing it. There’s no point being someone on dates and then an entirely different person after.