Every straight girl remembers the guy who took their virginity and the guy who first gave them great sex. I was lucky to have one man do both. Past our awkward first encounter, this ex-boyfriend of mine taught me what “love making” meant. He “went down” without asking, showed me various positions and ensured I enjoyed myself equally. As a girl who prefers a man to dominate, we generally created his sex fantasies.
On a weekend morning, we got in the shower together and began kissing. Afterward, he pushed me against the wall and wrapped his hands round my neck. I felt his grip tighten and my mind began to panic – “am I going to pass out?” Moving his hands away, we left the shower and had sex in his bedroom. The next time we met, we were in the middle of passion when I blurted out “choke me!” I wanted to lose control, I wanted him to get forceful, to tie me up and remove my freedom. I left his place wearing a buttoned shirt and pair of smart trousers, once more an everyday citizen who likes respectful and charming men.
Our taboo, weird sex fantasies
Rape, sexual assault, BDSM – how many of us fantasise what we frown upon? The other day, a friend told me about a guy who gets turned on by heavily pregnant women. We thought this was strange, but online articles say it’s normal.
Most of us can admit to having pictured a co-worker or boss naked, wanting to fuck in a busy place and wondering what group sex would feel like. We keep the more controversial sex fantasies to ourselves: Sex with a partner’s sibling or parents, gang bangs, voyeurism (watching your other half have fun with someone else), and sexual humiliation. Similarly, we usually avoid golden shower confessions and desires to abuse a drunk stranger. Plus, the disturbing grey areas like sex with animals.
Surprisingly, racial fantasies appear out in the open. In 2018, “Japanese” was one of the biggest Pornhub searches. Some guys tell me they adore “exotic mixed-race women”. And I’ve conversed with men who view ethnicities as sexual conquests – they want culturally diverse experiences. I think porn has fetishised ethnicity and helped cater to the demand. From our various sex fantasies, how do we explain the ones that go against our beliefs?
Rape fantasies and domination
Me and my gay friend Ben (made up name) were laughing about our erotic daydreams. We both envision office domination – a fictional boss ordering us about. Though I didn’t tell Ben, my pretend boss has an aggressive nature. In my mental roleplays, he makes me do what I initially refuse. I view him as sexy and powerful.
When I experienced sexual assault, I remember feeling disgusting and shameful. A sickening pull knotted my stomach. I therefore mentally block the moment from my mind and barely recall the image of my assailant. Fantasy vs. reality are conversely different. Yet that doesn’t quite make sexual abuse fantasies acceptable. To explain why some women have them, Psychology Today published a summary from several studies. Explanations include: “Desirability” (the attraction of men unable to resist the urge), “Biological Predisposition to Surrender” and “Openness to Sexual Experience”. At the end of 2017, Metro reported on research indicating “between 31% and 57% of women have fantasies” of forced sex.
My sister listened to a podcast featuring a feminist who fantasises about rough and controlling group sex with other females. I think the majority of us have no wish for our taboo sexual imaginings to happen. We let our minds explore scenarios out of curiosity and wonder of the unknown. I can happily fantasise a threesome without wanting to have one.
Is porn a good way to release sex fantasies?
Most argue porn is a harmless way to express sexual behaviour without engaging in risky acts. Despite knowing the industry’s scripted, studies suggest porn can negatively influence viewers. Perhaps as a result of a high percentage of films based on female assault. What’s possibly an innocent thought to begin with, may subsequently transpire to a physical urge to reenact particular aggressive scenes.
In brief, this discussion stems around consent. I believe it’s crucial to keep space between sex fantasies and actual sex, only combining the two when you’re with someone who feels the same. One guy tried to be forceful with me randomly. In that split second, I lost all attraction. Our first date went from polite conversation to him gripping my body as we moved from restaurant to bar. No build up or chemistry occured prior (I’m use to a gentle hand on the knee or shoulder). He simply assumed I wanted my tongue to interact with his. When moving away, he said, “What’s your problem do you not like kissing?”
Out of everything sex related, sex fantasies that go against our beliefs is one of the most taboo subjects. So taboo in fact, it’s difficult to gain adequate research as people don’t want to admit such thoughts. There’s additionally a worry that if we normalise certain sexual fantasies, individuals will use as an an excuse to perform on disinterested people.