“Why would a twenty-something man be interested in a seventeen-year-old-girl?”, my mother furiously asked. I naively blurted, “We have lots in common”. He was around 24, a mixologist with a car and a London apartment he rented. At the time, I felt cool and mature messaging him. But adults dating teenagers – it’s a tad too icky.
So why are we blasé about it?
Only looking back, I realise why my mum was angry. As an adult today, I cannot imagine kissing or fancying a teenager. However mature and independent, I don’t believe a relationship between teen and adult can play on equal ground. In fact, University of Rochester Medical Centre says: “The rational part of a teen’s brain isn’t fully developed and won’t be until age 25 or so.”
As an adolescent, I thought drinking, driving and earning proved maturity. I always thought myself more grown-up than my peers. I’d hate when friends screamed about boy crushes and tried to avoid young lingo like “Shut up!” and “Oh my gosh, no way!” At 18, I was working full time and hanging out with work colleagues in their twenties and thirties. They commented on my old soul character and wisdom beyond my years. Yet for all my sensibility and ambition, I hadn’t a clue.
Not all adults act in a mature manner, but life experience is significant in our choices and ideas. Once past the legal age, some argue “fair game” and think age restrictions don’t apply. And maybe that’s why we turn a blind eye to Hollywood adults dating teenagers. From Tyga and Kylie Jenner, Wilmer Valderrama and Mandy Moore and Brigitte Macron and French President Emmanuel Macron.
The media fantasy and the cold reality
As Everyday Feminism reports, media in Western culture projects teens from an “adult’s perspective”. They present them as innocent yet sexual femme fatales. The article explains how maturity is complex and involves many facets, yet adults can easily judge and identify maturity from one perspective. For instance, we may assume an emotionally stable teen is mature without considering other areas such as strong decision-making ability and good social skills. Regardless of impressions, teenage brains are not as advanced.
So even Kylie Jenner with her teen income and fame, would not have had the same advancement she has presently. Money and independence aside, many adolescent adult relationships form a Lolita structure — an adult pulling control and a teen feeling pressured to follow. An older person has greater capability to reflect on consequences as well as balance impulse.
Adults dating teenagers, the ridiculous excuses
There is a responsibility to have awareness for age. We can excuse male biological urges for youth as reasons to show little disgust at adult and teen relationships. Many avoid the concern more so when it involves a well-loved celebrity.
Age isn’t just a number. Reflecting on the late Aaliyah, on her first album she came across as intelligent, confident and talented. A now infamous interview shows her next to R Kelly (album producer) describing their close bond. She was around fifteen while he was nearing thirty. Allegations of their secret marriage didn’t affect his career and he didn’t need to defend himself when he and Aaliyah separated. It’s taken decades for his abuse to result in public shame and revulsion. Aaliyah’s boyfriend Damon Dash earlier this year admitted the star was “too traumatised” to discuss R Kelly.
Read: My Regret at Waiting to Sexually Experiment
Is an older relationship helping a teen?
During my final high school year, local builders began to wolf-whistle. At 16 in college, when I stopped wearing a school uniform, twenty-something men flirted and attempted to date me. Despite adults dating teenagers sounding morally wrong (a friend advised this topic might be too “creepy” for readers), in reality, some women and men choose to ignite teenage love affairs.
I don’t believe adolescents who partner with older people are always traumatised or negatively affected, but I do believe they should make the decision at a better stage in their life. In my early twenties, I was far more in control and responsible to form attachments with older men. And it’s taken my mid-twenties to realise the scale of difference. Adults dating teenagers — famous, successful, rich or smart, it’s an icky issue.
I have heard many older men (some middle aged and older) use the excuse that “the age of consent is 16 so I’m going to have sex with teenagers!” This is disgusting and a huge red flag. I have also heard men claim that “an 18 year old girl is equivalent to a 30 or even a 50 year old man”. How can a teenager fresh out of high school, whose brain is years away from being fully developed, have the same maturity of a grown adult, brain long since fully developed, who has been out in the world, working, living independently, having numerous relationships including marriages, traveling, etc. for decades? They use this ridiculous claim to justify their predatory behavior. Any emotionally healthy man would never date a teenager because he would respect her enough to not take advantage of her obvious immaturity. If a grown adult has the same maturity as a teenager, then he’s not a person you would want to be in a relationship with as that’s another huge red flag!
The age of consent is not permission for older men to sleep with teenagers. I think it’s disgusting how some men use that as an excuse. I completely agree – a teenager just out of school cannot have the same maturity, mentality or emotional stability to match someone decades older. I really question the mindset of men who specifically try to date incredibly young women. In many instances, it’s a power thing where the guy can impress with money that the women has yet to go out and earn.
It’s funny, cause when we are younger, we rarely think of it as weird when talking or dating someone older. I remember while watching pretty little liars, I never questioned or thought of it as weird, that a 24 year old would have a relationship with a 15-16 year old. It didn’t help the fact that they romanticized the whole thing. He was good looking enough, and you don’t find out that he knew her real age until much later. The moment I turned 24, my stomach turned when I realized how disgusting it was. I couldn’t imagine dating someone younger than 21-22, much less someone who was 15-16 years old. They’re still children at that age, no matter how mature. This is such an interesting post, because I think about it all the time! Loved reading your thoughts about this topic xxx
Melina | http://www.melinaelisa.com
Thank you Melina. At my highschool, a lot of the popular girls dated older guys and it was seen as really cool, like a status symbol. And I remember thinking I was mature enough as a teen to date an actual adult.
It is really disgusting and I hate how normal it’s become in Hollywood. For an adult to date a teen, you have to question what kind of intellect and mindset they have going on! xxx
Well, interesting topic, I believe that an adult would never date a teenager… if he has grown enough to realize its not gonna work… Most of men do it just for having fun, which I find kind of wrong but I respect others life ways… I never had a crush to an older female…except for Angelina Jolie, Monicca Bellucci….
I think a lot of guys do date teenagers for fun and maybe for an ego boost. But I’ll always find it strange.
It is… 😉
It might be “fun” for older men to date teenagers but many such relationships do end up emotionally damaging the young girls, even if they don’t understand it at the time. I know from my own experience. I also missed out on dating boys my own age and doing age-appropriate activities because the relationship revolved around his more mature interests. He was bored with anything I wanted to do. If I had had the maturity I have now, I never would have dated him.
Thank you for sharing your experience, Mary. As a teenager, I thought it was really cool for a guy to drive a decent car, have a job and be able to go out and buy things like alcohol. I never thought about the fact that all these things were normal for any adult and equally, normal for a teenager to not have acquired yet. What can seem like harmless fun when you’re as innocent as 16, can years later be something much more damaging.