I’m disgustingly addicted to guys playing hard to get. Men who pretend their spies – unable to share whereabouts via text, unable to make calls… rarely able to actually meet. It triggers my masochism. I don’t immediately end relationships when lack of conversation issues arise, but I’ll happily call it quits upon too many “How was your day?” messages. What can I say, “Today was exciting, I sent less emails than usual and nearly booked a one-way plane ticket because my fantasy escape plan felt promising”?
Seriously, who wants a Bug-A-Boo? The only thing worse than a man 24/7 available is a man who openly tells you not many girls show interest towards him – save the woeful stories until after I’ve fallen in love, I’ll be in too deep to care. Playing hard to get is like watching the Kardashians: You know you shouldn’t be that fascinated with Kim’s baby shower, yet you watch her stress about it for an hour. We say we don’t like games – do we just not like losing them?
What science says
Psychology Today published a piece uncovering research on how playing hard to get affects attraction. Studies suggest dates who are engaging and attentive seem more likeable whereas “hard to get” dates create more desire and interest. The article notes playing hard to get only works when a person already likes someone – aloofness is unappealing when an individual is making up their mind.
Read: How to Make a Date Go Well
This research somewhat confirms the “nice guys finish last” theory. We enjoy spending time with nice people, yet we’re more sexually invested if their kindness cohabits some rough traits. I once had a date with Mr. Kind: He checked in with me daily, always timely responded and didn’t complain when my train made me ridiculously late. Sure, he made himself look younger online, an easy justification to end communication. Beyond that, he was simply too available and within reach.
Which is hard for me to admit. I complain about the bad boy persona, I hate when guys leave me hanging. “Why do I always go for the same type of men?”, “What can’t I have a normal relationship?” I ponder both mentally and aloud to friends. Maybe I’m a sucker for the thrill. Or maybe I’m after a specific balance.
Playing hard to get the right way
You don’t have to play games nor act rudely by sending one word replies and cancelling at the last-minute. When I first started dating, I wasted time calculating precisely how long to wait before initiating contact. I had a thing for Dating Rules: “Don’t say hello too early in the morning (you’ll look overly keen) and don’t say hi past 8pm (you’re not a booty call)”. I invested hours in men who I didn’t know; men who I had barely spoken to.
Read: Why Are We Sexually Attracted to Accents?
Soon enough I realised being someone’s priority is something you earn. In the early stages, I don’t want a man who’s always open to chat and meet whenever I’m free. There’s nothing sexy about a person willing to ignore everything else going on with their life to make room for a stranger. That doesn’t demonstrate excitement, enjoyment, passion and overall busyness.
Playing hard to get therefore, is more about staying focused and not letting the elation and emotion linked to meeting a potential partner affect your day-to-day living. If I receive a message while bored travelling or on a Netflix binge, I’ll reply straight away. But if I’m out socialising or in the middle of an article, I’m not going to stop my train of thoughts. Likewise, if I’ve had a long day and want to put my phone away, I’ll leave a message hanging overnight. Only in a relationship will I adjust my schedule. I think it’s obvious when a person is generally busy and when they’re purposely not replying to look cool.
Gender differences
A Cosmopolitan article asked men what they thought about woman playing hard to get. Almost unanimously, each guy said it’s a turn-off. Yet reported on website Men’s Variety, a study this year found “overly eager” men are not particularly attractive to women. I think much of this topic stems from how we perceive playing hard to get. Whether you define it as someone not putting all eggs in one basket as oppose to someone going a week without contact.
By dictionary definition, according to Oxford, it means: “deliberately adopt an aloof or uninterested attitude, typically in order to make oneself more attractive or interesting”. In the early stages, my heart is desperate to meet and kiss and be all romantic. In deliberately adopting an uninterested attitude, my brain can keep myself in check. Besides, why not make a person work a little. Don’t we appreciate what we haven’t easily gained? A sprinkle of aloofness and mystery makes me query twice if I should definitely pursue someone. Providing I know a date likes me and I’m not chasing hopeless daydreams and imagining signs which are not really there.
hmm, I never really thought about it. I don’t really like someone who will only respond one a day or only twice, cause it seems like you’re not interested or that you’re bothering them, but at the same time if someone answered quickly all the time, especially when you’re first getting to know them, it’s kind of like you said, you’re putting everything to the side because of a stranger. There’s a balance, which it all depends on the duration you’ve been talking, how well you know each other, where your relationship is, and a whole bunch of other things. Great post Laura, definitely one of my recent favorites! xx
Melina | http://www.melinaelisa.com
Thank you Melina! Sometimes before I’ve actually arranged the first date, I will purposely message less so they don’t make too many judgements before meeting.
A balance is always perfect, but if I had to choose, I’d go for less messages instead of more. xx
Interesting topic! I personally really don’t like anyone playing hard to get esp men. If you like someone and want them in your life, just show it through your actions and be honest. Don’t play games as that will just confuse the other person which can lead to misunderstandings. I mean if you like each other, just be upfront and be consistent with your actions and it should work out. One of my pet peeves is when men play hard to get. If a guy is interested, just show it (reply to messages quickly, don’t cancel on plans, keep your promises, etc). I never play hard to get whether it’s my friends or even someone who I like. If I’m busy, I don’t reply immediately because I feel like I need space but otherwise, I don’t personally like the playin hard to get behavior. It’s nice to know someone is really into you but at the same time not being too clingy either. Surprising that some people think it’s attractive. Great post girl
Thank you girl! I think the problem is, everyone has different experiences and ideas of what playing hard to get means. If a guy is balanced and eases into conversation without over messaging, I won’t feel the urge to edit my behaviour. But if someone is repeatedly replying fast and always around, I do end up retreating because I don’t like that pressure.
And sometimes it’s nice to have some built anticipation of waiting to hear back, as long as it’s not a ridiculous time. Thank you for reading.
I’ve been told that I play too hard to get hence why I’m still single. I don’t necessarily agree with this statement. I think if there was chemistry between two people, a sort of energy for the chase, then it would pan out well. Sort of like you said, the playing hard to get is only worth it if you really like someone and you’re quite positive the feelings are mutual. I’m the type of person who can be surprisingly blunt and I just don’t like leading people on or doing something just cos some sweet boy suggested so. I guess I’m not a romantic in the wider sense of the word. I like grit which I think is why playing hard to get can be attractive..friction is sexy. (Obviously it isn’t if someone’s ego is damaged along the way?) That’s not to say I like the bad boy persona either but I guess all I’m saying is giving in easily doesn’t put a challenge on the (potential) relationship.
I understand what you mean. It’s the balance of excitement and a little challenge without an actual bad boy persona guy who treats you badly.
Bluntless is a great quality – although sometimes tough at the time, it’s better to be honest in the long-run.