If you’ve ever tried online dating or found yourself in a club, wondering whether a drunk dancer eyeing you up may look half-decent sober, you’ve accepted you can’t have it all: a good-looking, wealthy, charismatic ideal. Something has to give and society will tell you that’s appearance. It’s no secret we’re suppose to seek kindness, honesty and commitment. But dating someone you’re not physically attracted to, really?!
When you’re emotionally attracted but not physically
We all know the score. You come across a well-mannered, confident person who absolutely adores you. This person ticks so many boxes, you really want to fancy them but you can’t. They either don’t turn you on, or they do turn you on but you’re embarrassed about their appearance. So you’ve stumbled upon my blog to look for some non-judgmental advice – consider me your understanding friend.
When you’re single and looking for a relationship, people expect you to lower your standards. Your teenage shallowness is no longer cool, and friends want to tell you it’s not about looks. And so when you come across an ideal partner you don’t physically fancy, you’re made to feel guilty. But what society and people often forget: attraction is a BIG issue.
When I’m physically attracted to a guy, I feel sexy, excited. A magnetic pull drives me towards them. In their presence, butterflies arouse and suddenly the world seems brighter. If that’s missing, I’m overall less interested. A lack of sexual chemistry takes the fun out of dating.
Poor sexual chemistry also influences relationships. Couples not enjoying their sex lives can experience tension – particularly if bedroom intimacy stops. A benefit of sex includes positive body chemicals which can influence life satisfaction.
As further argument to needing physical attraction, Relationship Rules suggests physical attraction might be more crucial than intelligence and humour, because sex and affection decline without it. Relationships with sexual desire can keep passion and excitement between a couple.
If you’re looking for a way to boost your sex, here is a how-to guide on improving the female orgasm experience.
The issue is not physique, it’s attraction
It’s not shallow to turn down someone you’re not physically attracted to. Physical attraction isn’t only about looks. According to Insider, smell, hormones, diet and voice all factor in reasons as to why people feel biologically drawn to one another. When writing about human sexual attraction to accents, I found studies linking our perception of cultural associations to how pleasing we find a person’s voice. For instance, some believe the French sound sexy, and France portrays beauty and passion.
Being physically attracted to someone is similar to having good chemistry. Without either, doesn’t a partnership resemble a friendship? When you’re seeking a woman or man to commit to, it’s not so much about how their looks compare to Ryan Gosling or Idris Elba… it’s whether you find their image appealing enough to feel a sexual connection.
What to do if you stop feeling physically attracted
If you’re in a relationship and sexual longing has diminished, Health.com advises to consider if you’ve lost desire for your partner alone, or for people in general. If you’ve lost all sexual interest, you may want to speak to a doctor or sex therapist. While if it’s the latter, the website recommends communicating and explaining to your partner how better to turn you on.
If you’ve stopped feeling physically attracted to your partner, consider the following questions:
- Has your partner changed in the past few months?
- Has life circumstances edited your time and sexual time spent together?
- Have you met someone new, who has made you reevaluate what you’re romantically looking for?
What to do if you’ve started dating a person you’re not attracted to
Firstly, consider what it is you don’t find appealing. Sometimes we build a specific type in our head, that when we meet an individual who differs from this usual type, we automatically don’t find them good-looking. As an example, I always said tall, dark and handsome was my preference. I met a guy with blonde hair and instantly thought, he’s not what I’m interested in. Yet we went for drinks and after our first date, I started to physically fancy him.
Ask yourself if you’re trying to force something that’s not there. When people ask me for relationship advice, it’s usually not because they don’t know what decision to take. It’s typically down to people not liking the decision they feel is right and wanting me to provide alternatives. For instance, let’s say you meet someone ideal on paper. You’re seeking a relationship and here is a person ready to fulfil your criteria. But annoyingly, you don’t find them attractive. You might hope I can explain why physical attraction isn’t important so you can avoid giving up on the relationship.
Occasionally, friends become lovers and physical attraction grows. I’ve dated guys I initially didn’t find good-looking. Equally though, chemistry doesn’t always blossom. Are you someone who could accept this? What part does looks play in your relationship values?
Since blogging about love and dating, I’ve realised how much physical attraction can affect relationships. Notions on shallowness and over aiming (wanting an unrealistic vision), make some agree to lack-lustre dates. Sure, looks aren’t everything, and beauty fades eventually. But, without physical attraction, what good does the rest offer? A life without romantic passion doesn’t feel fulfilling.
Suggested next read: How Do You Know If You’re Partner is Not the One
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I now have a relationship advice column where you can send me a question anonymously to get my advice.
hi I’ve been with my partner for 5 years , we have 2 beautiful boys together, I don’t think I’ve ever been attracted to him apart from fleeting times I can count on maybe 2 hands, our sex life is non existent and I don’t even know why I’m leaving a comment because I know what I should do. I’ve expressed everything to him many times regarding attraction etc. he always says he doesn’t give up easy , I don’t know if I can go the rest of my life with someone who I don’t find attractive but equally I feel guilty on our boys and him ….
Hi Catherine,
What initially attracted or made you decide to settle with your partner? Why now after 5 years is attraction an issue, or has it always been but perhaps you ignored the issue before? Is there anything specifically your partner can do to help boost your level of desire? You mentioned you have expressed everything to him many times, but it’s difficult to fully understand your situation without knowing what is causing your low attraction. Sometimes it can be a case of two people spending more time together and going back to getting to know each other – relearning your sexual ticks.
Guilt is a normal feeling to experience. This is a natural response to being the one who wants to leave, but this feeling will subside.
I’ve been in a relationship for over 6 months and whilst I’m happy and there’s nothing wrong, I find myself not wanting to express to others that I’m in a relationship. The guy I’m with has amazing personal qualities but if I saw him in a line up, I wouldn’t want to rip his clothes off. But love can grow and I do love him? I find myself battling this conflicting thoughts and I think I should never have doubts if I was confident in my relationship. I don’t know whether to keep dating him or just end it. He’s head over heels for me and I feel guilty not matching those feelings and fearing that I never will. Please help!
Hi,
The first thing I noticed in your comment – you say there’s nothing wrong, but then go on to suggest you’re unsure about your feelings because you don’t feel a sexual attraction. It seems there is a mix of uncertainty and self-doubt that we need to unravel.
So, there are a couple of things you can reflect over:
1.) How self-confident are you? Sometimes we project our insecurities onto our partners, hoping that they will not only make us feel better about ourselves but help us look better as well. Could your feelings be less to do with his appearance and more to do with your worries about how you are perceived in the outside world? If your friends found him attractive, would that influence your feelings at all?
2.) How is your physical intimacy? Do you enjoy a great sex life? This is important because if you can enjoy sexual pleasure with your partner, it suggests you are somewhat sexually attracted but need to overcome your feelings with his appearance and showing him off to others.
Love is a very big word that has a huge projection – we’re told love makes us head over heels and puts us in a deep state of euphoria. We can have love without physical desire. But here’s the thing, we each have different relationship expectations. Are personal qualities enough for you? Can you be okay with the imbalance in feelings? Is this more to do with others than with your feelings?
While I can’t tell you what to do, I hope this has helped with coming to your answer. 🙂
Hi. I’ve been alone for 6 years and I’ve been told to lower my standards but then alternatively that my standards are already rock bottom. I’ve been told that im not unattractive but as I’ve late the only people in close proximity I attract are people that I’m not physically attracted to at all that I can’t see myself with, so there’s a nagging voice in my head telling me to “take what the defense gives me”. I’m seeking therapy soon for this issue but I want to know your thoughts on what a young man like me should do in this situation. Thank you!
Hi,
Who is telling you that your standards need to lower and who is alternatively saying that they are at rock bottom? How do your standards feel to you? I’m also curious why you’re not attracted to the people that are interested in you?
It sounds to me like this could be a confidence issue. I would need to know more to share my thoughts on your situation.
Thank you for replying , and apologies for responding late!
People who’ve told me to lower my standards: people who I’ve considered friends who know me a decent amount and noticed I’m not successful with dating
The person who told my my standards are rock bottom is one of my closest friends.
To answer the question on the people who show interest in me: they’re just generally unnattractive looks wise and/or have quite a bit of body fat (more than a little overweight).To be absolutely blunt, I’ve been suggested I should date heavy set people that i wouldnt do so otherwise (sober).I’ve been really searching how to turn off the part of my brain that seeks physical attraction and focus ONLY on the connection, personality traits and values of the other person. I’m unsure what I should be doing. any feedback or signpost of where to go is always appreciated. Thank you!
It seems to me that you’re friends are throwing out advice in hope that something will stick. Perhaps the friend who said your standards are at rock bottom doesn’t find the people you date physically attractive. And the other friends who think you need to lower your standards have probably heard you discuss looks on several occasions.
It is normal to have a certain look that we find more appealing than others, though sometimes we can also have impossibly high expectations that no individual could really reach.
There are several things that could be happening: You may unintentionally be flirting with the wrong people, you don’t have the confidence to approach the people you are most attracted to, or you overall are struggling with your self-esteem, likely impacted by the years you have spent trying to date someone you fancy both physically and emotionally.
My advice would be to focus on your confidence when you are out in public. When you see a woman you find attractive, do you feel intimidated or do you try to smile and make eye contact? If you notice yourself struggling to speak to women you find appealing, then you know you have a confidence issue to overcome. If you don’t have a problem approaching women, can you think of any reasons that would deter someone? If you have female friends or women in your life, it’s a good idea to go out with them and gain their perspective.
I’m currently in a relationship and I’m not attracted to this person at all physically and, although we connected somewhat emotionally, i dont feel like we’ve quite clicked in the way we should to be dating. This person asked me out and I agreed to being in the relationship but I feel as if i’ve kinda trapped myself in this situation. They’re very affectionate but i find it really difficult to be intimate with this person. I’ve tried to express this recently but they told me that they’d work on it and i agreed to try again because i felt guilty for starting this even though we had no chemistry whatsoever and I barely knew them (though they seemed to know me). i dont know how to end things with this person because they’re really nice, we work together and see eachother almost every day and they’ve already started incorporating me into their future (we’ve been together for almost a year), but im simply not attracted to them in that way. another thing on top of all this is that we’re not compatible in what we want sexually. we’re both bottoms and i had to “compromise” and top in the relationship, which is something i regret agreeing to. Just, in general they seem pretty happy in the relationship but i feel unwanted (having to assume a more “dominant” role around them) and im not happy or satisfied with the relationship or my partner, both sexually and emotionally. I’m scared of what will happen if i bring it up again so soon and i dont want to hurt them but i dont have the energy to keep this up and im not sure if any of my friends will understand what im experieincing. i really need help with this but idk what i should do since we have a lot of the same friends and see each other a lot.
please help. any advice or words of encouragement are appreciated
Hi,
It seems to me you are putting all of the emphasis on your partner and their needs while feeling guilty for having your own. Both of you deserve to be happy and satisfied. Sometimes, things don’t work out and what we thought we wanted or could find happiness with, becomes different over time.
You said you have tried to express how you feel to your partner and they said that they’d work on it – I’m wondering what your partner has done since to change things or what exactly they agreed to work on. I’m also surprised your partner seems pretty happy despite your emotions. Are you positive your partner isn’t putting on a brave face? He could be more aware than you realise but may not want to confront the truth.
In terms of having to compromise sexually by agreeing to take on a different position, I can understand why this would leave you feeling unsatisfied. Especially as your partner hasn’t matched your compromise and agreed to take turns.
What I’m overall sensing is that you feel stuck and you’re wanting my opinion on how to break up with your partner and perhaps you’re seeking confirmation that that’s okay? Look at this from this perspective: The longer you stay with your partner unhappy, the longer you both go without being able to move on and find someone else. Breakups aren’t particularly nice and there is usually a high chance that someone gets hurt – it’s important to focus on the reasons why you’re breaking up and remember that you deserve to be happy and satisfied in a relationship.
I would sit down and discuss how you feel using the word ‘I’ – I feel this way, I am looking for…. and avoid saying ‘you’ which may make your partner defensive. Explain how you feel, express that you don’t see a future but also acknowledge your partner’s great traits (affection, kindness etc.,) and that you’d like to see them with someone more compatible. You can also ask for friendship or simply state you no longer wish to be together. While it might be awkward at work for a while, hopefully you can both be on good terms professionally and either see your friends on different days or arrange to meet in a group.
Let me know how it goes! x
Hi Im no beauty Queen but physical attraction is a must. two months on Ive tried physical contact . Even kissing doesnt do it And I know what it should feel like but its not , just to please him. Makes me feel bad , leading him on But he wont listen to my needs From the start Telling him straight up that I just wanted friendship kept on saying it and Im still saying It finding out his age , looks are decieving Loss of licence 2. still dresses like a teeanager , no self grooming poor personal igene . Overweight not many ticks just X His a gorgeous person But Its my time, beeing single for four years I know what I want , Its a man not a boy , Whanting advice dont want to hurt him Yes his loving caring , the nicest qualaties but he doesnt do it for me His not listening even though he knows how i feel help x
Hi Manuela,
Relationships are a two-way street. You shouldn’t have to ‘please him’ and in return, not gain what you want or need. While we can be drawn to differences, we also tend to have certain expectations which match with our own. Good grooming, hygiene, a clean license, good dress sense and a healthy lifestyle… these are things I imagine you ensure for yourself and which you also expect a partner to have.
If you know he isn’t the right guy for you, why stick around? Like you said, you have been single for a few years and you now know what you want. I would clearly say to him, you’re not interested in anything romantic and wish to only have a friendship. Remind him that while he’s kind, caring and a great partner for someone else, he just isn’t the right guy for you. If he continues to persist and try to have something more, consider letting him know that you’re prepared to end the friendship and communication, as you don’t want him to continue getting the wrong idea. x
I found this so interesting. I’ve been single for a very long time and recently decided to start dating. A friend matched me with one of her partner’s friends who I wasn’t attracted to from his pictures but she gave a glowing reference on his personality. Since we’ve been talking, it’s been great, he’s so lovely. We get on so well and we’re so similar, it’s crazy. On our date he was every bit the ideal gentleman… literally could not fault anything he did. My issue though is that I’m just not physically attracted to him and I don’t know what to do. I find absolutely everything else about him so attractive, I just wish I was physically attracted to him. I’m still talking to him to see where things go but I don’t want to do this for too long so he doesn’t get the wrong idea if the physical attraction doesn’t grow over time.
Hi Stacy,
The first thing I’m wondering – how do you feel when you’re with him? Do you get butterflies, do you feel excited? Would you consider him a crush? It’s not uncommon for people to initially not find the person they’re dating physically attractive. From personal experience, I have dated men who I grew to find sexually and physically attractive over time. This was partly due to my own insecurities. I worried too much about what other people thought. I reflected my low self-esteem onto my partner.
I would reflect over you feelings both when you’re with him and when you’re not. If you don’t feel that you can grow to find him physically attractive, and if that in itself is a problem, than perhaps you’re better off not continuing to build a relationship. We each have certain values and wants in a partner – regardless of how kind and similar a person is, if there is a big missing value (such as physical attraction), than it can take hold of a relationship and cause problems further ahead.
So relieved I’m not alone… I’ve been on three dates with the most loveliest man. He’s hilarious, intelligent and overall, I’ve had a great time with him and although I find all those traits so appealing and attractive, I can’t get past on the way he physically presents himself. I pride myself on always dressing well, it’s how I am most comfortable. While fashion is my hobby, I don’t have expectations that anyone dresses to my standards; however the man I’m dating is 45 and although it may be shallow, I do expect that my date at least wears a shirt or something with a collar (and not a hoodie) on a date. Am I asking for too much? I’m 40 and am just not interested in a man that dresses as a teenager, it’s not attractive to me (regardless of his physical looks). He wants to see me again but I’m at lost whether to continue seeing him. Am I being silly though?
I very much like seeing a guy dressed up and making an effort on a date. Do I think you’re being silly for also liking the same – no. But here’s the thing:
It seems too early to mention how you feel about his clothes. It may give off the impression that you’re overly critical. He might also find it irritating that you’re wanting him to change his style.
While fashion comes and goes, a hilarious, intelligent, kind person who appeals to you isn’t always so quick to find. Perhaps his style has more to do with you and your concerns over how other people may perceive you? Or, like most of us, you have an ideal of the perfect partner that you wish his clothes could emulate.
I’d personally stick around. If time goes by and it’s still a big concern for you, communicate how you’d love to see him wear a nice shirt or look more formal when out to dinner or on a nice date. You could even mention how you find it very attractive to see a man in a suit.
Thank you so much for this insightful reply. I am stuck in the EXACT same situation except it’s been 9 months the sex life is non existent based on the fact that I have to get a little tipsy to want to and even then I find it boring a lot of the time…I do love him as a person so it’s really hard but as you said I want to feel that spark and magic…I’m 29 surely I shouldn’t sign my life over to a sexless relationship where I’m not attracted to someone just on the basis of financial safety and not feeling alone….it is horrible because him and my young son get along well but I can’t keep telling myself I am happy when really it’s only around 30% of the time. I keep switching my thoughts thinking do I stay or do I go but I’m thinking I shouldn’t be asking myself that question everyday only 9 months in…feel very confused!! I would love to say everything else is perfect but we are different people i struggle at times on the phone because we don’t just click and the conversation flows it’s normally just him talking about work…I am so gutted as he could offer me and my son the world but Im just never going to want to be intimate with him I blame it on my sex drive being dead but really I know if I was with someone I was attracted to I would have a good sex drive.
Hi Mariah,
I noticed you said the person you’re with could offer you and your son the world, but you’ve also described a big part of your happiness that he isn’t able to fulfill. Not only with intimacy and attraction, but conversation. I think you need to decide what your priorities and wants are in a relationship, and if the person you’re with ticks those boxes.
I imagine in some ways you feel more alone being with someone that you don’t connect with. At 29, you have your life ahead of you – enough time for you and your son to form a bond with someone new. Really ask yourself, if fear wasn’t in your way, what decision would you want to make.
It’s difficult when you find someone who seems to tick every box, but the physical chemistry is lacking. Sometimes, you can initially not fancy a person at all and then grow to find them attractive within time. That’s happened to me.
Physical attraction is so important – I hope since your message, you have come to a decision with the guy, and I hope you find someone who gives you that spark. I think a relationship without it doesn’t hold substance.
I think that’s a problem some people have with sex and appearance – is it worth throwing away an otherwise happy relationship because the sex isn’t perfect or the physical attraction isn’t 100%.
Attraction can definitely build over time, once you get to know someone more, but only if the chemistry is there.
My last ex, I met in a club, I was obviously on the tipsy/drunker side, and we flirted and exchanged numbers. After texting for a few days, we decided to go on a date. He was much different than I remembered him looking. Drunk goggles definitely took a life of their own. While he was attractive, and gave me butterflies, I wasn’t sure if we actually had chemistry.
All the people I’ve dated are so different looking from eachother. Some weren’t very attractive but there was loads of chemistry, others were attractive, and yet there was none. So it’s not necessarily that they have to be attractive, there has to be some type of chemistry that gets you giddy with excitement to talk to them, see them, and date them.
This was a great post! I have this conversation with my girls all the time xxx
Melina | http://www.melinaelisa.com
I met a guy a few months back in a club as well but had the opposite situation. When we first met, I was tipsy and didn’t think he was attractive, and then on our first date I thought he was good looking.
Chemistry is the magic word really, without that, looks and everything else doesn’t hold much substance. Thank you for reading! xxx
This is def a food for thought! I prefer to be physically attracted to a guy that I’m dating. Even if he is not the most good looking, something about him should be attractive, maybe the eyes because I feel that maybe that could lead to a better chemistry. I’m not saying it’s a must for me but I would def prefer it. I guess you could date a guy that you weren’t physically attracted to but he needs to be really attractive in other things such as sense of humor, good listener & conversationalist, etc. The personality is what really catches the heart and I would def go on more dates to see for more chemistry. Physical attraction is good but I wouldn’t decide whether I wanted to date someone or not just by that. I feel that it def is possible to date someone and have a good relationship with a guy even if you’re not physically attracted to them. Great post girl 🙂
Thank you lovely! I didn’t find two of my ex boyfriends good looking when we first met. But after our first dates, I started to find them physically attractive and began to notice their great eyes and smiles etc.
Looks are not an absolute deal breaker, but if I couldn’t find a guy attractive at all physically, it would become an issue. x