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  1. Jo says

    As a new kinkster. I totally agree. People do seem to want to out-do each other on some imagined kink scale. There is a definite pressure to be seen as un-vanilla as possible which gives way to a growing fear of inadequacy when defining ones preferences.

    Your article really highlights the depth and validity of vanilla sex. As was mentioned earlier. I think vanilla sex is perceived as boring not because of the act alone, but because it conjures up thoughts of monogamy, monotony and a lack of variety that we have been encouraged to seek through the increasing popularity in casual sex, polyamory, and pornography.

    In some ways vanilla sex takes more work than kink sex. To maintain and redefine satisfaction over the years and not depend on the thrill of newness takes a lot of skill and dedication.

    I am so glad your brought this topic to light. The 50 shades movement has a lot to answer for. Sexual liberation can and does exist with vanilla or softcore sex

    • LauraJ says

      Thank you for taking the time to share your thoughts. You’re right about vanilla sex, it isn’t the act itself that’s boring, but rather the thoughts associated with it. The idea that couples who have vanilla sex are not passionate enough.

      It can take more work to maintain satisfaction with vanilla sex because you can’t fall back on certain acts.

      Overall, I think the best sex combines a balance of the two.

  2. questionsfromateenager says

    “Vanilla sex forces you to unmask yourself. You cannot hide behind props and a fantasy character, it’s you alone with a stranger or sexual partner” – I wholeheartedly agree. I think it is a lot easier to have sex with a stranger when it’s more about the kink and less about the person. But in a relationship or with a person you’re dating… I say vanilla sex all the way!

    That doesn’t mean that you have to exclude your kinks or preferences… More that you combine them with your feelings for another person, which makes (in my opinion) for a much more intense experience. I would never define vanilla sex as something boring – I think that it can be intimacy (and with that I do not only mean physical intimacy) at its finest.

    I feel like that different kinks and sex toys have become such a trend, that it’s more about HAVING a kink than actually enjoying it (if that makes sense) – I recently talked to a friend of mine about this and though we have both had our fair share of experiences with handcuffs, blindfolds and other things, we have both experienced that other people judge us for “only” liking these “softcore” kinks. It’s almost as if people are comparing their kinks and trying to one-up each other. Like a game. And that’s not what sex is about (at least for me). It is natural that everyone has their own preferences and I think one of the most exciting things about sex is getting to know these individual likes and dislikes in a person and ultimately getting to know them more through their own kinks. And of course, as much as it can be about emotional intimacy as well, sometimes sex can purely be physical fun. My point is that sex comes in different shapes and sizes, it’s purpose can range from simply craving physical intimacy or from sharing an intimate moment with a partner. And that’s the beauty of it, regardless of what one’s kinks may be.

    I have missed reading all of your articles, I forgot how much they made me stop and think! xx

    • LauraJ says

      Hey, thank you for leaving such a detailed, great comment for me to read back! Also, love seeing you on WordPress! I was nodding along inside, especially to: it’s more about HAVING a kink than actually enjoying it. That completely makes sense!

      It’s almost as though kinks have come to define how adventurous and good we are at sex. The more we’re willing to try, the better we are at doing it.

      While it’s great to introduce new things and experiment, as you said, one of the most exciting things about sex is getting to know an individual’s likes and dislikes. It’s not about a competition to see who can try the most.
      Thank you Fiona! xx