There’s an awkward stage in dating (well, there’s many), but one in particular with communication. At what point do you give up the initial obsession to text 24/7? Do couples need to talk every day – via phone, messaging, Skype, in person – or do we just believe it’s necessary for a healthy relationship?
From dating to commitment
The early stages of dating require lots of hints to show you’re serious. Ignore a date for too long and you’ll look like your playing games and keeping them on the side. During the dating app to first date stages, talking daily is ridiculously boring! It’s so tedious trying to chat to someone you’ve not yet met. And trying to stay interesting – how much detail about your life can you unravel to a stranger?
Once you’ve met (if sparks and hearts serenade), you enter the most amazing, butterfly jumping period. I’ve found myself at work before peering at my phone like a squirrel anticipating an acorn, waiting enthusiastically to see whether a guy agrees with my views on a film. I’ll press pause on my T.V and leave a friend hanging on the phone while I respond to a potential boyfriend.
If the dating develops to becoming a couple, one that falls in love, the bliss from chatting extends. You can’t wait to meet, read their words and hear their wondrous voice. But fast-forward a year and “Miss you” texts and random calls start to lose their sparkle. Which may be a personal thing, a sign I keep choosing the wrong people.
Read: Does Playing Hard to Get Work?
Texting ruining relationships
I once asked a work colleague how often she sees and talks to her partner. She said, “We spend every weekend together and we text most days.” Unexpectedly, she told me it was her partner who prefers to always conversate. My colleague could happily go a few days without speaking. When I shared this response with a friend, who couldn’t hide her shock, she queried: “Why would she want not want to talk every day?”
Isn’t the answer obvious, how much can two people say on text? When you’re not living together and when you’re not situated nearby (a reality for many modern couples), phones become vital for feeling connected. But relying on them each day you awake gets tiresome. As much as I love my close friends, I wouldn’t want to always message them individually, so why does that change for partners?
An article published last week on NBC, explains the negative effects of texting. Although the technology increases interactions, the quality declines. Most people I know depend on texts to maintain communication, especially when long-distance. Asking whether couples need to talk every day naturally links to whether we ought to text so much. As I mentioned on my ruthless mindset post, I had to recently defend myself for taking hours to respond to a date’s messages. Apparently, I overthink prior to sending.
Millennial couples need to talk every day
Was life better when you had to wait days and weeks to receive a letter, or hours for a phone call from your landline? With so much of the world digitally at our fingertips, perhaps instant gratification has got the better of us. We’ve lost relationship patience. In replacement, an addiction to analysing words and balancing the status of our love fate on the last message read.
Millennials are known for hating phone calls – myself included. Unless I know a person well, I hate the on the spot pressure to converse. One guy I was talking to took my number and sent me a WhatsApp voice note. Which is supposedly a new dating trend – screening matches before meeting. It’s the strangest thing, attempting to sound normal and relaxed while speaking in a silent room to my phone, out loud.
My sister listened to a podcast that talked about relationship role models. The podcast host reflected upon how little couples she finds inspirational. How many relationships do we look at and think, that’s what I want? I’ve never come across two people who have exemplified my idolised view of an ideal partnership. So basic questions on conversation are tough to answer because many of us don’t know what’s somewhat normal.
Read: Are Single People Happier and Healthier?
Is it simply about the communication itself?
Bustle published a piece on how long-lasting couples differ in communication compared to those who break up. The ultimate conclusion relies in equivalence. Rather than focusing on whether couples need to talk every day, significance should be placed on matching effort. If you’re someone who wants a partner to send good morning messages and share their work/life emotions daily, you’re likely find more happiness with someone who also feels the same.
Therefore, there’s no right or wrong answer – it merely depends on how content you feel. If you’re not getting enough from your relationship, it’s best to discuss with your other half in person. The worst option (at some point we’re guilty of committing), is going to friends for advice and then comparing their thoughts with yours. One relationship isn’t technically healthier than another, on the basis of chatting each day or only a handful of times a week.
Do couples need to talk every day – what are your thoughts? How long could you happily go not speaking to a partner, and how does that differ to not speaking with family or best friends?
Instagram @thestyleoflaurajane.com
I found this post super interesting, I agree with you wholeheartedly. While I don’t think there’s a correct answer to the question, because it definitely depends on the individual person, and while I don’t like small talk when I’m first talking to someone, I enjoy texting someone I’m dating everyday. I love those cute good morning and good night texts. I love knowing about someone’s day, and the good and bad of it. While I know some people who don’t like talking everyday, the majority of people I do know talk to their significant other everyday (even when they live with eachother). Great post Laura xx
Melina | http://www.melinaelisa.com
Thank you Melina! I’ve never really done the whole good morning and good night text thing. Probably because I’m quite a bad texter.
One guy I went on a date with always asked about my day and whether it was good, and it felt too routine because nothing overly exciting happens day-to-day in an office. But if I was travelling the world or doing all these amazing things, I guess that question would be fun to answer.
And I definitely think a lot of this depends on whether or not you love the person you’re with, how often you see them and whether they’re actually fun to text. xx
Love this post! I have to agree with everything you said. I was wondering the same thing and always ask myself that why couples talk everyday lol? Just like you had mentioned, esp if I just met someone, I feel that talking to them everyday looks really clingy and I just keep it to once a week. If I’m in a relationship, talking like a few times a week I feel like is a good balance. It’s really important to balance your work, friends, family, and hobbies and make that a priority apart from your love relationships. Balance is key to healthy relationships and I prefer to always have my space and “me” time so that I can go back to giving my attention to my loved ones. Absence makes the heart go fonder. The more you spend time focusing on your stuff, the more your miss and love each other. Great topic love ❤️
Thank you girl! Once a week is probably too long for me, depending on how much I like the guy. But that’s the thing, it’s all down to us to choose what we prefer, and I don’t like that there’s pressure to talk 24/7 to prove you like someone.
It is all about balance and prioritising ourselves as well as the people we love. x
Oh my god LAURA you were speaking from my soul in this post. I am the WORST texter out there and hate this world of constantly having to be available 24/7. If I read one more post on Instagram / Twitter stating that “texting back within 5 seconds is the most attractive thing a person could do” I might lose faith in humanity all together.
I find not talking everyday or being able to not talk everyday (and this being completely okay/normal) to be quite essential in any relationship. Maybe it’s the fact that I am an introvert and really need some time for myself in my daily routine? The thing is, I always find it incredibly crucial for you and your partner to have some time apart. To give yourself time to miss them. Or to look forward to telling them about your day IN PERSON. What difference does it make if it’s right now or at a time where you see them and can actually have a real-time conversation with them? If you are with them all the time and even when you’re not you’re texting them 24/7… I feel like we tend to appreciate the person less if that makes sense.
That being said, I of course know that early into committing to someone, the need to be in constant contact can be much stronger than when you’ve settled in your relationship a little more. I once dated a guy who did the most romantic thing imaginable (to me) – instead of texting me non-stop (which he knew I disliked), he wrote me letters. Handwritten, long and personal letters. Not every day, but every now and again. I think the reason texting reduces the quality of our conversations is because we do not tend to put a lot of thought into what we say. Texting culture is so fast-paced, I am genuinely (pleasantly) surprised when I receive a text that is actually grammatically correct and uses full sentence stops. The art of writing a letter is much more personal because we generally have to put a lot more thought into what we want to express before we write it down.
Such a great, insightful post!! I find it to be such a fascinating topic right now, as the way we communicate is most certainly shifting. Into what I do not know, but it makes me appreciate a good old in-person conversation a lot more. xx
First thing I have to say – wow – a guy wrote you letters! That is the most romantic thing, especially considering how scarce letters are these days. The last one I wrote was to complain to a company. (The only complaint letter I’ve written!)
Lately I’ve got so bad at texting. I know people say it only takes two minutes to send a response, but it really doesn’t. I like to make an effort to think of the right words to say, and if I respond immediately, it puts pressure to continue a texting conversation which can go on for hours.
I’m an introvert as well and maybe that does affect how we feel. I always need alone time and if I’m having to communicate on my phone during that time, it doesn’t feel the same. xx