Is finding love a silly life goal or something ambitious? Can you group love in the same boxes you place career and hobby objectives? Are you setting yourself up to fail; does romance happen when you least expect it?
What makes love embarrassing? I joined a dating app last month and although the app tells me it’s about finding a relationship, I haven’t mustered the words aloud. I don’t tell men I’m seeking a meaningful, deep partnership that’s going to last at least a few years or possibly forever. It’s supposedly desperate to say – too forceful, obsessive and needy. But it’s true. In my all years of crafting plans and setting dates, I haven’t listed love as a priority. It’s merely something I hope one day happens. And maybe that’s why it doesn’t…
Actively looking
How differently would I approach men if finding my ideal partner was positioned at the top of my to-do list? Perhaps I’d go on dates with guys outside my usual type, and maybe I’d gain the confidence to make a move first rather than eyeing back-and-forth, hoping men notice my subtle clues.
Society now accepts online dating and most of us feel no shame in admitting signing up to it. Nearly everyone at some point has uploaded a photo and hoped for the best. I have always had little regard for online matchmaking, it seems so unnatural and unromantic. Yet I’m also aware my fantasy of bumping into Mr. Right at a coffee shop hasn’t even occurred in a Disney film – what chance do I have?
If we want something, surly we have to work towards it? Is finding love a silly life goal? Arguably no, if that’s what you’re after. When I was too naïve to know better, I casually said I’d fall in love at 22, get married at 23 and have a child at 25. It was years away and felt reachable. Then I got older and realised I didn’t want to settle, and life doesn’t just follow the timeline I expect. We’re persistent on goals in the workforce and flimsy on goals surrounding our hearts.
Does love happen when you least expect it?
Psychology Today says this idea is a myth. An article describes how wanting a relationship without looking makes you “disingenuous”. It stops you aligning with the goal and closes you off to potential suitors. It’s like wanting to eat at a Michelin restaurant, but instead of researching, choosing to just wait to see if you stumble across one.
A Bustle piece shares a similar sentiment: Actively making love a priority can empower you to put yourself out there and motivate you to take new risks and focus on expectations. Comparable to learning a new language and travelling to a different continent, planning for a relationship helps you structure. You can better articulate what you want and what you need from someone in order to keep developing the life you envision.
While there’s always going to be people out there who profess to finding their match at the most random time and unexpected location, it feels senseless to presume this occurs for everyone. Hollywood has helped make us believe that romance blossoms in romantic settings. You catch yourself falling at a friend’s Christmas party, you ignite eyes against a sunny morning in the countryside, or at an iconic city backdrop. In reality, how you meet doesn’t take anything away from the charm of fuelling passion; it’s not unromantic to view love with a hint of realism.
Is finding love a silly life goal…
As any good goal-setter would suggest, finding love ought to feature supportable steps. Joining a new dating site, putting your name down for speed dating, experimenting with new activities and different bars… Making it a mission to break from typical routines that haven’t brought you much luck. A goal often works best when an individual self-analyses.
I use to keep myself closed-off. I’d say I want a partner and hope to meet someone more available than my ex, only to find reasons to turn down every offer and run back to the same man who perpetually struggles to commit.
It’s easy to blame the world and paint yourself a victim, unable to get what you’re after. Though many occasions, it’s us ourselves who keep us from progressing. Whether fear, insecurity or an anxiety towards change. By putting love as a life goal, you’re forcing yourself to stay optimistic and not waste evenings on dates that feel short-term. You’re more-likely to ensure each person you meet harbours the same sentiment.
Carrie Bradshaw addict? Why not read: How to Find Love in the City
Love without desperation
With this goal there’s a catch. One I watched an old friend repeatedly slip into. Desperation: The relentless drive to quickly find someone. Ignoring the warning signs; avoiding the obvious conflict. The caution to finding love is to remain ambitious. Not enough that you avoid taking chances, just enough to retain standards.
Nothing is ever guaranteed simply because we strive for it. Yet in making love a thing to gain, not something that may occur, we can open our eyes a little more, and make whimsical hope a practical concept. My answer therefore to is finding love a silly life goal: No.
Good on you for making the step towards making love a priority and signing up for that dating app! I met my current partner through a dating app and initially had my doubts too. I found myself brushing the dating app part under the rug when people asked how we met, but it really doesn’t make a difference how and where people encounter each other. I wouldn’t have changed anything for the world, and I’m definitely not ashamed of it anymore. I think dating apps are a wonderful way to have new experiences and maybe even make some new friends out of the whole thing. Hope you had a fantastic Christmas and New year! Xx
Thank you Janelle! I’m a week late but happy new year! I love knowing when other people have met someone through online dating; it gives me that extra hope.
So far it has been fun and a bit of a learning experience. I like that I’ve met very different guys who I wouldn’t usually run into – despite that we have been to the same places before. xx
How funny – I also downloaded a dating app earlier this month haha!
I wouldn’t say finding love is a silly life goal – quite an ambitious one actually in a day and age where love supposedly doesn’t exist like in the 1950’s or other ages. We’ve almost accepted this ideology that we marry to divorce, that people cheat, play and/or have open relationships but maybe the real question is asking what we REALLY want despite what’s happening in other people’s relationships.
Having said that, I do find dating hard. Knowing what the other person wants or is thinking, reading through cryptic messages (ugh), thinking whether you’re coming off too strong etc. It really blows my mind but it is also fun to get thrown in the deep end and get to know someone differently. One thing I will say is that you learn a LOT about yourself through dating regardless of the outcome.
Great minds think alike 🙂 How are you finding it?
The older I get, the more cynical I become. I think the amount of people who cheat and divorce has impacted how I view relationships, but I’m still after my expectations and ideas.
I’m going to write a post soon on my experience with online dating. I’d be interested to read what you have to say as well. I hate having to worry whether I come across too keen or too uninterested.
You are so right in saying you learn a lot about yourself! I’ve noticed both great qualities in me and some pretty bad ones.
It’s certainly a very….mixed bag. Probably more bad than good. To be honest with you, I wasn’t sure what I was expecting either but it’s definitely made me more of a cynic as in, within 5 minutes of signing up to this app, I remembered why I hate people. I’m going to see how it pans out now that holiday season is almost over though. I was telling my friend the other week, maybe it’s the worst time to sign up because as much as there are genuine people finding love, there’s also those who just want to find it to pass winter. Oh I don’t know.
I’ll await for that post and share more. Ha, I was thinking of writing something similar on the subject but not sure how personal I want to be!
I think a lot of people are going on dating apps right now because they have planned new year goals and decided on finding someone. I also think it is about winter like you said – now Christmas is over, they want the excitement of love.
I’ve had mixed reactions to the dating app as well. So far I’ve had two first dates. I’ll think I’ll stay on it for another month or so and see if a relationship can form from it.