The closest I’ve got to making the first move involves sending a dating app ‘like’ and compliment. Traditionally, society tells women it’s a man’s duty to do all the chasing (we’re feminine, dainty flamingos and they’re dominant cats). And maybe that’s why (I recently discussed with a friend), they’re better at getting rejected.
I don’t know many women confident to put themselves in such a vulnerable position: waiting face-to-face for a person to arrange a date or tell them they’re not interested. Women are the more insecure sex after all. A study last year showed British women feel more insecure about their appearance than British men.
As a heterosexual woman, I’ve turned down several men since turning 16, and I’m confident those men have faced other rejections. If they’re doing the approaching, it seems likely they’ve battled a few no’s out in bars and on dance floors. I don’t spent much time worrying about a rebuff. I’ve taken the easy, powerful route of hoping for someone good-looking to introduce themselves. If they don’t, I classify the night a romantic failure. But gender equality and feminism has made my female expectation – Cinderella waiting, outdated. There’s a growing sense every individual should go after who sparks their attention.
Getting rejected while in a relationship
From my dating past, there’s one guy who sorely bruised my ego – my self-worth resembling an orange squeezing and ravaging in a juicer. I described him once in an old blog post: “His eyes were a holiday blue; a 12 pm shade in Miami when the clouds have evaporated.” We enjoyed incredible dates (I assumed) with unwavering chemistry. I really liked the guy – reading a breakup text from him a week after we last met hit me hard. Mostly because my analysing self didn’t notice warning signs. Rain gushed down without grey clouds above.
Like a classic girl I spent a weekend harbouring ice-cream, fries and chocolate, forcing myself the following Monday to reboot exercise and look better than before. It wasn’t just the pain of not seeing him again – I equally felt saddened by the rejection. I listened last year to an entertaining podcast by two women sharing their thoughts on breakups. They concluded; breakups are the best thing for a woman to go through. Females tend to use their pain as an excuse to reinvent themselves.
Men opt to sleep with other women – as the stereotype goes. In the immediate breakup aftershock, friends share their frustration at ex-boyfriends blissfully living life as they coop inside upset. I asked two guys whether they believe men are better at handling getting rejected. Both agreed it’s an impossible argument – it’s down to each person and how they’re feeling. They agreed some guys may wear a facade and conceal their emotions. Who’s to say how anyone is feeling? Doesn’t everyone have a pretend smile hiding in their back pocket for certain times?
Why men can get violent
An article on Psychology Today describes how genders are expected to act upon rejection. Women, the piece explains, usually feel more “emotionally hurt” and assume they’re lacking something. Men often perceive rejection as an insult or “challenge to their masculinity”. The article further states: men who tie their pride and self-worth to conquering a pursuit may resort to violence if that pursuit (individual) says no.
Cosmopolitan spoke to psychotherapist Jaime Gleicher who shares the same sentiment: rejection is associated to a man’s masculinity. Getting rejected is an emotional thing – only recently has culture promoted men voicing their thoughts. If you’ve developed the idea you need to act strong and never show ‘weakness’ you can certainly become a ticking time-bomb in the face of emotional upset.
I’ve not dealt with a violent ex before. In fact, most have gracefully accepted my goodbye messages and moved on. But violence can happen when turning a man down. In global news, 2019 reported on women being murdered for saying no. I’ll never forget the Harvey Nichols 2005 shooting where a security guard shot a cosmetic sales assistant for not wanting to date him. Without wanting to smudge every guy with the same brush, male violence against uninterested women frequently makes news headlines.
Read: Domestic Abuse: Society’s Failing Perception
So, are men better at getting rejected?
It’s an old view to assume a man quickly jumps in bed with someone new and forgets their ex, women cry to their friends and eat greasy Chinese food nightly like Carrie Bradshaw. From experience, I believe women easier imagine love not dying and fate reuniting, analysing hope for a reunion. I’m guilty in believing fate will bring someone back. Stupidly my past self chose to write childish texts: ‘You’ll regret this’ and ‘You’re too blind to realise how good I was’.
I don’t think a man has ever messaged me to say they’re the best I’ll ever have and it’s my loss. Maybe women are quicker at releasing emotion? Culture has impacted how we deal with getting rejected and that may affect how women and men cope, as well as what they do post-breakup. How much you link your self-worth to a person can give foresight in how well you’ll handle a goodbye after. The best way to react: simply disassociate your value to how much another person wants you. If only that remedy came in a potion…
Laura, I don’t know how you do it. You publish article after article, each one more powerful and insightful than the next. What really stood out to me is this:
“Women, the piece explains, usually feel more “emotionally hurt” and assume they’re lacking something. Men often perceive rejection as an insult or “challenge to their masculinity”.”
This is SO TRUE. I was rejected fairly recently and even though I tried to pretend as though I was better off, I would be lying if I said that it didn’t hurt and make me question myself. But in the past, whenever I have rejected a guy, it almost felt like they were less hurt and more offended. As if there must be something wrong with ME if I didn’t like them. Some turned rude and insulted me, some demanded to know why and then discredited my reasoning if it didn’t suit their liking (which it never did).
My point is that when I reject guys, I typically do a lot more justifying than when a guy rejects me – they don’t feel the need to and we don’t aggressively demand it. I am so sick of feeling like I have to justify every single of my choices to men when their decisions are just blindly accepted. So are men really better at handling rejection? My immediate answer would have been yes but now I am not so sure. I think it all comes down to insecurity and confidence (which exist regardless of gender). And, of course, if we get rejected more often, it is bound to make us better equipt at handling it in the future. Just like you, I usually tend to wait for the guy to make the first move. Now I wonder if I should push myself to be more bold sometimes… if only to prevent inevitable hurt in the future.
I love going through your comments Fiona!
I feel women (more than men) have been taught to accept that we shouldn’t get closure. Thanks to ghosting and the notion that we’re ‘crazy’ if we overreact or get emotional, we can easily hold things in and self-analyse.
You don’t really think to call a guy crazy if he wants an explanation. I do think there’s a perceived masculinity to being in control and choosing when a relationship is and isn’t over. In the same way it’s expected that a man proposes and a man decides when to form a relationship. And women should avoid any ‘where are we going talk’ for fear of looking desperate. If a guy asks this, he’s just seeking commitment.
Maybe stereotyping a tad but that’s how I see this in general.
I feel like this can be thought in two separate ways, both of which you mentioned. My first thought is that there are different kinds of guys, and so not all of them are going to take rejection well, just like there are extremely bold girls who would shrug off a rejection with no problem. I think I fall somewhere down the middle. I’m not the most bold, but I have definitely have had more than a few bold moments. I think rejection hurts when you’re genuinely interested. When I first start talking to someone, I usually don’t have high hopes because if it doesn’t work out, I don’t end up too disappointed. But once I like them and am invested in them, then the rejection definitely hurts. The guy I’ve been casually dating for the last 2 1/2 months, I am starting to really like, and it would definitely more than hurt if he ghosted me or just plain rejected me in general.
Like you said, i would assume that some guys are way more used to getting rejected, because a lot of them are way more forward asking people for a chat etc. Great post ! xxx
Melina | http://www.melinaelisa.com
When I was typing this article, I decided to keep the topic really generic and make it an overall look on rejection. If I was going specific, I’d 100% mention what you said about rejection hurting more when you’re genuinely interested.
Also as well, if you’ve analysed and imagined your future with someone, by breaking up, you’ll have to wave goodbye to countless plans which just adds to all the hurt.
I use to daydream a lot, picturing guys I’ve just met or been on a few dates with and imagining what our next dates could look like. But I’m also now less hopeful and more aware that catching feelings early can lead to disappointment.
I hope everything works out with you and the guy. xxx
Such an interesting article as always! The reason why break-ups hurt is really about the ego and then feeling so stupid you put yourself out there for someone who might not have appreciated it. Was I too much? Too little? The thought process at this time can be very unkind so handling a breakup is very much about emotional maturity.
Luckily for me, I have never had a really bad breakup – most of mine have been pretty mutual and that’s how I tend to end things whenever possible. I believe we were talking about dating apps on another one of your posts and recently a man unmatched me. I don’t mind this because our 1 and a half days conversation was dry and to be honest, he was a bit of a complainer about the women who had ran into his life being a-holes. So no, I did not feel butt-hurt from that haha.
Thank you! I’m the worst at assuming I’m somehow at fault or in the wrong if someone breaks up with me – whether a relationship or a few dates. Sometimes I make the mistake of avoiding all the warning signs and sticking around until they end things, when I should have just left earlier.
I’ve become indifferent on dating apps. I’ve noticed it’s so much easier to move on, unmatch and forget. I’ve lost count of what guys I’ve spoken to. There’s always another guy around the corner, and I guess that’s part of the issue with online dating.
I’ve met a few complainers – so irritating! They are looking at the app as though it’s a therapy community and not one seeking love.
This is interesting! I think handling a break-up is very much to do what the person’s emotional awareness and general resilience in life, whether they’re male or female. The immediate reaction reflects a great deal on the person’s character, and it’s truly fascinating how it varies from person to person. Also I can’t believe Mr. holiday blue eyes dumped you over text a week later. You probably already know this but you’re well on your way to bigger, better things! Love this post x
Thank you Janelle – you put a smile on my face with your comment on Mr. holiday blue eyes. Definitely moving towards bigger and better things, hopefully more long-term! I think from the past few years, I’ve better understood how to cope and accept the ending of relationships – whether friends or partners. I agree about emotional awareness and resilience which probably develops more as you get older.
It’s interesting how much time people allow themselves to be upset or heartbroken. Whether they go through a transformation and cut their hair or whether they cry and then get back to normal. x
Another great article! I think part of it is society. There is a societal standard that men are viewed as “Strong” and “Uncaring” They aren’t suppose to cry in public or show emotion, so of course the perception is that they will rebound from relationships quicker. That isn’t true. As you said it comes down to self worth and maturity. Regardless of being male or female if you have a healthy emotional perspective you will handle a break-up better, (and the truth is, it will still hurt regardless of whether it is for the best, there is still adjustment) as opposed to if you have pinned your self worth on that person.
I unfortunately have dealt with a guy, who went crazy at rejection (I ended up being stalked, and all because I wouldn’t go out on a date with him), but I also have dealt with men who have handled it with great maturity. Rejection is part of life, though I don’t think society always teaches us, regardless of being male or female, how to handle it, properly and pragmatically. Thank you for sharing this sweets! <3
There is a great maturity in being able to acknowledge that a person ideal during a certain period of time may not be suitable later. It is also takes emotional maturity to not mix self-insecurity with actual heartbreak. I think that’s one of the biggest problems and it’s not something we’re taught as you said. Until a person feels secure enough to not let their self-worth be impacted by a partner, rarely do they know how to handle rejection.
It’s crazy a guy stalked you for not agreeing to a date! The worst I’ve experienced was a guy telling me I wasn’t worth it and he can do better after I said no. But that was as a teenager. Maybe society just needs to teach everyone in general, how to process emotional upset and deal with uncomfortable feelings. xx