Being single: The best feeling in the world when laughing with friends on a Saturday night; the worst feeling when asked why I’m alone by a date or family member. I have reasons: I’m not confident in public: A guy can smile, stare and say hi, I’ll wonder whether to start a conversation. I’m bad at small talk and take weeks (weeks meaning months) to open up – it’s easier to get inside my body than inside my mind. Disclaimer: I’m not “easy”, I don’t think?
I have huge expectation. And so, I’m picky. I’m like a panda who refuses to eat anything other than bamboo. There are other plants to consider – I’m not considering. I want what I want and I’m stubborn. And that’s my excuse.
It may seem arrogant, high maintenance, naive. A friend of mine told me about her late 30-something friend who refused to settle. She wanted a partner to match her high-salary, good looks, life experience: Travel, hobbies, languages… This woman wanted kids and marriage. She achieved self-success, not self-fulfilment.
Read: Is Finding Love a Silly Life Goal?
It’s a tale we as women are told
Tick tock, the baby clock. Is being picky a good excuse for being single when you’re wanting kids? I’m in my late twenties – already my fertility is dropping. I feel young and somewhat carefree; somewhat concerned the next five years may map my entire future. Scary thought!
What happens if the years pass and I’m in the same position? Do I research sperm banks or put myself in a bizarre Channel 4 doc where a film crew monitor me as I beg a friend to share my baby? Or, do I give up my pickiness and settle?
Confusing pro-feminist questions. No longer bound to marriage due to finances and public scrutiny, single women are getting older and reaching self-independence – men fulfil personal desire alone. (Unless you’re a millennial, hoping a man will help with monthly rent to put you on the property ladder). Canada daily The Star published results from a Bumble survey which found 23% of women are settling in relationships. How many women stay with male and female partners for family life?
Being single and picky: Can loved-ones be an excuse?
My parents’ marriage bliss lasted approximately eight years; they were married for seventeen. Haven’t we read and witnessed too many stories of relationship unhappiness? Millennials statistically marry less and at an older age. We’re the generation clued on shocking divorce rates – we split ourselves between single freedom and ‘please let me find someone’.
I’ve seen friends fall madly in love, rushing to pregnancy while others have said yes to the next available bachelor. The boredom and woes of settled couples provides a treatment for singledom sadness. By the time I’ve listened, I’m wanting nothing more than a solo bath in my solo bed with my dog for company.
I refuse to settle because I know what’s waiting if I do. I know a life without passion, one requiring consideration for a partner who doesn’t make me feel whimsically joyed, won’t cover a gaping single longing. If choosing not to commit means potentially no children, so be it.
When is picky a bad excuse?
How picky am I you may wonder? Firstly, there’s the basics: Always saying please and thank you to waiters, wearing smart clothes on an evening date, not speaking with food in your mouth. A degree of ambition (a strategic plan on how we’re going to couple together and be millionaires), an intelligence for something you’re interested in, a good sense of humour, no overbearing arrogance, snobbery, cockiness.
Charisma, charm, aware of how to cook food on a hob – an appreciation for old classical grooming, able to confidently converse in a room full of strangers (I can’t, so you ought to), a lover of animals without owning cats or large, drooling dogs, or any animal (let’s just admire them from afar). Most of all, I’m searching for someone different from cliché dating profiles: ‘I love travelling, dog walks, snuggling in bed’. I want a guy who shares similar interests and equally, makes me reconsider mine. A guy who makes me strive further and re-evaluate my thoughts. Worldly wisdom and success at what they do – a job they enjoy. That’s a short list I’ve created at the top of my head.
There’s various kinds of relationship picky according to eHarmony. Picky is a good explanation for being single when you’re careful and considerate about who you date – it’s a bad excuse when you habitually search for faults in partners.
What’s the real reason?
I can and have fallen in love with people who don’t match my list criteria. My ex-boyfriends are dissimilar and unlike me in most ways. I’m a hopeless romantic – they’re strongly cynical. I love exploring museums and historical places – they prefer watching blockbusters and going for a drink. None of that equates with why we split.
If I wasn’t the one, I’m glad my exes broke up with me. It’s the kindest thing to do. Perhaps I am too naive, high-maintenance and arrogant (perhaps you now think so upon reading what I want). Who knows the reason for being single? There are a million excuses – missing opportunity, being stupid, continually selecting Mr. Wrong. We can analyse forever.
If you’re being picky: tearing down suitors to keep your fragile heart sealed from more heartbreak, you probably need time away from dating. If you’re fancying people comparable to bad exes – being picky doesn’t sound credible. But if you’re optimistic, hopeful and determined to find all consuming love, without negotiating priorities, being picky is your way of making love survive. And that’s a wonderful excuse.
THIS!!!! This spoke to me so much.
A friend of mine told me a few months back that I am “too picky for your own good” and I sometimes still think about that comment now, months later. Oftentimes people will tell me that I simply need “to say yes more often” and “try new things more”… and I find myself wondering if this would truly change anything? It’s hard to explain, but I rely on my gut feeling when it comes to people. If I don’t feel a vibe and KNOW I am not going to feel it down the road, why would I waste my time?
The thing is, I am not only picky when it comes to romantic relationships – I am just as picky when it comes to friendships. I have a small group of friends, always have, most likely always will. I have always been extremely cautious when it comes to choosing people I want to surround myself with because it takes a lot for me to trust someone. I am an INFJ personality type and in the INFJ descriptions you will often read that we go about finding friends as we would finding a soulmate. And that applies to me perfectly… with dating, it’s the exact same thing.
Maybe that’s irrational or too picky, maybe that’s wishful thinking… but in the past, whenever I have found myself in a relationship, we would always have an extremely deep connection from the get-go. And it would be the most beautiful thing ever, because I felt so in-sync with the person. I truly felt as though they were my soulmate. And for that reason alone, I cannot help but wonder if being picky can also be a blessing – in moderation of course.
I read your comment and straight away did the personality test, turns out I’m a mediator. I thought I might have the same as you because I read your comment in absolute agreement.
I’m picky when it comes to friends as well and I think that’s a sign of maturity. You know who you are and you know who is worth keeping in your life.
It’s an amazing feeling when you think someone is your soulmate. But when I get this feeling, I try to push it aside so I don’t get too caught up. There’s a great benefit in being picky though; it stops you from compromising yourself.
“I’m bad at small talk and take weeks (weeks meaning months) to open up – it’s easier to get inside my body than inside my mind.” – I really related to this!! I think about a lot of things – hypothesise lots of things that could be to do with my daily life but also not at all. It could be totally random like how does x work, oh let’s find out. I’m not one for small talk either. In fact, the older I get, the less inclined I am for it – I’ve gotten more blunt in the past year and just rather not beat around the bush just to appease someone who I know isn’t even a friend for life let alone a lover for time.
To be honest with you, I didn’t know how ‘picky’ I was until stumbling upon dating apps and having gone on a few first dates through them. I have always said that I don’t have a type and it’s true – I don’t. But there are instant traits that I’m turned off by for example so yes, I guess I’m picky but I also like to think it’s good that I know what I want in some respect.
That’s exactly where I’m at with online dating. Since joining, I’ve realised there’s certain traits that instantly put me off.
One of my pet peeves is guys talking about nothing else but travel. I get that it’s an amazing thing, but a dating profile filled with nothing but lists of countries you’ve visited and sunsets doesn’t reveal much. And I’ve mentioned this because I notice it A LOT.
Sometimes it feels like if you took one thing away from someone, they’d have nothing else to say. Also, some people try to write sarcasm or jokes and it just reads strange. And I don’t like profiles that say things like: “Don’t message if you’re doing dry January”. What traits or things turn you off?
I don’t have a lot of time for small talk either. There’s only so many conversations I want to have on the weather.
SO many people on dating apps looking for travel buddies too! I agree – I love traveling as much as the next person but I refuse to put it in my bio because it’s just so….generic and boring now. I also hate those bios that just doesn’t mean anything e.g. “What you see is what you get”, “Your mum will love me”, or “I don’t take myself too seriously” (classic!). Tell me something that’s interesting or funny! Having said that, I’m also not into the very serious bios.
When presented with the question, I normally tell friends that I don’t have a type/don’t really believe in them. I guess you can say I am more into personality than looks. One thing I’ve noted is that I don’t like complainers. I remember once on date, a guy was taking me home in his car and he was complaining about the roads the whole way through (the lack of lines on them) and how in his country it’s not like that.
In theory, travel should be a bit of turn off on dating profiles. If a guy is constantly flying to places, it suggests a relationship would get complicated and become potentially long-distance. If mentioning travel, I prefer a guy to say something about one particular place, rather than listing where they’ve been. It’s like mentioning every restaurant you’ve visited instead of describing what food you like.
Complainers are annoying! The guy I first met from the dating app chose to whinge about his work and living in London, where he’s privileged to live with his parents in a sought-after, central area. He sounded so spoilt and negative. And when it came to improving his situation, even then he was negative about his new job interviews.
I can imagine you must have sat in that guy’s car just counting down until you were out!
Yeah, I’m not into the whole “been to 27 countries, got x amount more to go”. Chances are, they might have only spent 2 days in some of those places which in theory is nothing.
Haha I’m glad someone else agrees about the whole complainers situation. It’s not cute.
I know – since when did quantity take over quality in travel? Life is too short to spend every minute complaining 🙂
I’m a panda too 🙂
I’d much rather be picky and get it right than be in a sad relationship.
Yes being single beats being in a sad relationship any day! 🙂