Home from another bad date, my cold train smelling of Big Macs and Upper Crust pasties. How many failed attempts; how many spontaneous men from bars failing to provide promise? With new possibility needed (plus an encouraging friend), I signed up to a dating app. Dull, predictable, unromantic; same old lonely types. My online dating expectations matched my weekend evening hopes. But surprises were in store… good, bad and cliché.
Travel addicts and dog lovers
A typical male dating profile: Dogs and travel. Don’t we adore cute puppies, sunsets and seasides? Most of us also love pizza – I hope my partner defines himself beyond cheese, tomato and flour.
In an overfilled, singleton sea, why summarise yourself by two extremely popular interests? Why list every country you’ve travelled to and every upcoming holiday? When did dating equal travel buddy seekers? And dogs, so many dogs. Okay, I have a photo with mine; he’s not the main feature of my profile. (Please don’t tell him that, he’ll never stop woofing in disappointment).
A varied assortment
Many profiles can be categorised by ski trips and mountain climbing; scuba diving, old architectural backgrounds. The men however, don’t fit age, race (to an extent) and career typecasts. There are the intellects, the art guys, the educational job men and the charity do-gooders.
When you’re experiencing a good week with lots of interest, it’s fun to chat to different guys who you don’t usually meet. I’ve flirted, talked and debated on wide issues. Sometimes it feels like a mix between BBC Question Time and 90’s show Blind Dates.
Online dating expectations: Ghosting
Since joining a dating app, I’ve become a ghoster: A person who vanishes purposely and dramatically from conversation.
Though it’s unfair to link ghosting to dating sites. Potential suitors in dozens, complimenting, liking and occasionally complaining. How do you keep track? If you join or have joined an app, there’s a high chance you’ve made a mistake responding to someone you shouldn’t. Maybe they began calling you baby, said something weird or overloaded you with intense interrogation.
If you haven’t met, perhaps it is kinder to sneakily disappear than confess their one-time “baby” comment cost them an incredible date.
Individuals desperate to meet / Just want to chat
Two ends of a dating spectrum: People eager to meet after a simple hello and others who relish in forming online pen pals. I like guys to take the lead. Not because I’m a woman and feel it’s a man’s gentlemanly right – I’m terrible at organising dates and hate analysing whether a guy’s actually keen. (If I’m proposing, why isn’t he?)
A few times I’ve dropped hints, chatted back-and-forth and patiently waited to be asked out. Weeks later and I realise the fast responder has me on back bench. I asked to meet one such man; he was so blasé about setting the location and date I ended communication.
Conversely, it’s off-putting when a complete stranger wants to meet two days after saying hi. Not merely from a desperation perspective. If someone easily dedicates a weekend night to a stranger, it makes me wonder: do they live in the moment or not value time enough to properly consider their dates? Having said that, the dating world moves fast and it’s better to swim quick than float.
Complainers
Recently, I asked a man about his job and expected a brief reply: A quick mention of what he’s working on and if he’s passionate. Brief became an extensive essay: He’s not happy, he wants to leave, he doesn’t feel valued and deserves a new career. Paragraphs of detail regarding his bosses, followed by “When are you free to meet for a drink?”
It’s possibly cruel yet I didn’t feel guilt turning him down. My basic online dating expectations list positivity as unnegotiable. Especially before we’ve met.
Self-analysation
You’ll learn a lot about yourself. Rather than make do with the few single suitors available at real life functions, you can approach a steady supply of relationship candidates. When this supply builds up on your ‘likes list’, you’ll then have to begin elimination.
Height becomes important (never have I questioned how tall a man is – online I check), looks begin to play a significant role. Without offending exes (purposely) I don’t go out and seek the most physically attractive men. I prefer intelligence and confidence. Online, a lack of fitness has stopped me messaging.
I’m shocked at how judgemental I can get, how too many selfies and group pub photos can turn me off. Maybe that’s the biggest problem facing online dating; the inability to maintain the same perspective offline and on.
A chance of finding real love
In the midst of the lonely, bored and curious, there are a few great catches worth pursuing. As online dating stigma keeps diminishing and more of us choose to invest, we’re left with higher chances. Assuming you have the patience to move past unappealing frogs.
There’s every reason to believe the right person for you is online wishing for someone like you to approach. I changed my cynical online dating expectations when friends began sharing their success stories. It’s wise to review all avenues when looking for love. And as I have a blog discussing dates and relationships, I feel I ought to write from personal experience.
According to UK GQ, “one third of marriages” now start online with the odds of finding love out in London “three in one million.”
Other things to look out for on dating sites:
- Rude comments. Some people have steam to release and dating profiles are an easy target to criticise.
- A few daters are too busy/lazy to write out full profiles. Expect: “My favourite activities… too many to mention.”
- Confusion… from you… no longer sure what your type is because there’s too much choice.
- Emojis and scribbles over friends and family faces when they’re in pictures posted on apps.
- Men who have quit their jobs to start a business. (Yes, they specifically want a mate).
Online dating is based on looks but it’s also based on similarity. Which I don’t necessarily seek in a relationship. I’ve found (something I’m thinking of now because your comments make me analyse further), most people want a person who has their same hobbies, same political beliefs, same food cravings..
And it seems, when someone else comes along with more in common, they’ll then pursue that. This idea that you can find the most perfect person, keeps some people hooked on the app and trying to find them.
I don’t go for looks in real life and yet online I’m focused on it. So I get your hesitation. There are great guys on there, it’s just finding them amongst the others.
I really don’t like when a guy just stands in front of a mirror with his shirt off. Those types of gym selfies are a big no for me as well. I guess with online dating, you can’t really go off personality because written characteristics can be completely different in reality, so you’re stuck looking at physical traits. And height is an easy judgemental to focus on. Which is pretty unfortunate for short guys!
I think it’s such a common thing! After my first date from the app with a guy who spent the whole night complaining, I realised people just enjoy releasing their stress on new people. And I don’t even think it’s just online dating; some people in general use dates as a way to unravel what’s irritating them – rather than actually forming a connection. I’m glad we’ve both experienced this because it makes the situation a little better knowing it’s not just me and maybe bad date choices.
I try not to take the likes too serious. I’m more appreciative if someone has taken the time to leave a comment. My issue isn’t that it feels unnatural, it’s the fact that you can have a handle of guys messaging you at one time wanting to meet, and you then have to somehow analyse and pick which ones to go on a date with, and which to just cut communication. And then in the process of that, trying to decipher whether to start a new convo with another guy who has clicked like. It’s choice overload with a small pool of potential you have to filter through. It’s kind of good we’re picky otherwise we’d be overwhelmed.
I gave up on online dating years ago. They wanted a one night stand, I didn’t, so yeah, I just dropped it.
That’s fair enough. There’s definitely some (a lot) of people who use apps just for casual sex.
I somehow manage to find them all
I’ll trade you them for argumentative guys 🙂
Ah can so relate! I just started online dating and was dating a guy for the past 2 months and it was just meh like boring lol. I mean I’ve never dated before and this is my first time. He was really smart and a nice guy but I felt that he just wasn’t interested in connecting emotionally or intellectually. I tried to be charismatic and ask a lot of questions, showed I cared and remembered details (he was a good listener), etc but I felt that my efforts weren’t appreciated at all and he was just too guarded (he’s a bit shy). He was so focused on his wants/needs and didn’t care about what I needed/wanted. I felt like I was giving my all when I received very little in return. I made him comfortable and was trying not to have high expectations but he was just too judgemental about every thing I did that he didn’t really see the good traits of who I really was.
I take online dating in a mature way and I try not to judge people because everyone has flaws and it’s important to truly connect and like them for who they are but I just don’t get that in return, hence I get judged. I still gave him a chance despite knowing that I wasn’t appreciated/loved but he just left saying that he didn’t feel the spark which I thought was immature because it really takes the time to get to know someone. I’m just so sick of showing love/care and being vulnerable to the wrong people, esp the men who are just emotionally unavailable. I’m def changing my mindset, setting clear boundaries, and guarding myself to make sure that I give my all to someone who truly deserves it.
I would rather do something else than go back to online dating haha but I know there is the one there for me and just waiting for the right time. But yeah I hope people change their expectations and the way they view online dating and they actually take it seriously. Great post girl ❤️
Some people can’t grasp that relationships are a compromise and designed for two people. I’m not surprised you got bored if you felt you were the one putting in all the effort, with little return back. Sometimes on the app, you can go out of your way to think of interesting questions and get the most basic responses.
Do you notice any patterns with the type of guys you like? Sometimes going for the complete opposite can work out really well. The guy may have been clueless on what he actually wanted. But either way, you seem better off without him. I wouldn’t guard yourself too much because you have a great personality to show, just maybe be on more alert?
A friend of mine wants to go speed dating which I find quite nerve-wracking. There’s not a lot of other options out there. But I’d say keep trying with the apps and maybe look at some other ones. x
Haha yeah I guess I always tend to gravitate towards the guys that are nice but are totally emotionally unavailable. I always make the same mistake which annoys me but I’m def trying be more aware of what I deserve and being more alert. Thanks girl for the support, made me feel much better Hope things really work out for you as well
Thank you. I’m guilty to, easily falling for the emotionally unavailable men. It’s a relationship pattern that seems to follow me.
Such a good read! Starting to feel the same way about online dating and how judgemental I’ve become.
Thank you. I’m trying my hardest this week to look more at personality and characteristics than physical attributes.
I met my husband online Seven years ago. We were actually embarrassed about it at the time. We immediately began dating, lived together for 5 years and got married last October. I know it sounds cliché but there is someone out there for you ❤️
That’s sweet! I think a decade ago, people did look at online dating differently and I had friends who would tell me to lie about how they met their partners, I’m glad that stigma has changed now. Congrats on your wedding! x