“I’m sorry.” My words sincere, the guilty kind. The type of sorry where you won’t attempt to make things up or plead for forgiveness, but you will ponder regret – at home, where I chose to spend last night rather than hit London for a date. Just under two hours before I was meant to say hi, I was cancelling plans through message.
My wisdom teeth were hurting and that caused a headache and made me feel lousy. I popped paracetamol in my mouth and messaged my closest friends for advice: “Tell him you have the coronavirus”; “Just go out!” Time went by, I decided to go. After confirming a location, 5 minutes later I sat on the side of my bath and envisioned the night ahead – my taxi, train, walk to greet him, positive pretence. I felt mentally paralysed, unable to grasp my next move. I found my phone and asked to reschedule.
He felt annoyed, naturally. “Do you understand that this is messing me around?” He asked this question in amongst paragraphs explaining how I’ve stopped him from making other plans. I’m in the wrong – I know the frustration well from experience. And ironically a few days prior, I became irritated by a friend’s casual response to changing our scheduled day together.
Cancelling plans last minute: Why?
I analysed reasons to backup my cancellation: The guy took time to respond to messages, he proposed our first meeting merely two days prior, he forgot he had another event to attend and arranged our date after. He was more agitated by not having other plans than caring about seeing me. Doesn’t it feel sickeningly sweet to gift yourself consolation.
According to Harper’s Bazaar, technology and FOMO impact our ease to bail – making it almost socially acceptable. Though it still hurts, it’s not as surprising anymore when a date, friend, colleague or even family member edits plans. WhatsApp provides an easy way to apologise and feel less guilty. We don’t have to hear or stare at disappointment. We can pretend the commitment we made on a particular day won’t matter. That no one has been looking forward, no one has bought a new outfit, made time for extra pampering. Act clueless to how hurtful it feels when I’ve used my expensive bath salts and scented body cream together for no reason.
Millennials are the self-care generation. If we don’t feel 100%, tweets, magazines and blog posts have our back. Cancelling plans is okay, it’s not flakiness – we’re prioritising our mental wellbeing. Silencing the wellbeing of the people we back out on.
Should you reschedule last minute cancellers?
My wisdom teeth did hurt – that’s not the real reason I cancelled. Had I felt certain the guy was my perfect match, the one who’s going to concoct butterflies and triple heartbeats, I’d have made the date. From the beginning (since joining online dating), I’ve begged for friends’ input. I want to know their thoughts, see if they approve. When this particular date came about, a nice guy who received full endorsement, I couldn’t figure my opinion.
Was he enough to endure another spin on the merry-go-round? I have enjoyed dating up to this point. The bad, embarrassing and uncomfortable – it’s all part of the game. And while the game can be cold, cruel, puzzling, it’s fun to step into. What’s not thrilling is selling yourself, repeatedly. Being judged, worrying about the most minuscule remark and accidental non-funny story.
Do you re-book a last-minute canceller? If their excuse sounds plausible and if they sincerely seem invested in making new arrangements. Daters usually give away their behaviour before meeting. A lack of response, questions, desire to create an evening you’d love. Sometimes we make plans with the best intentions – telling ourselves we should get out and there’s no reason to not. Then the date arrives, as does tiredness and disinterest.
If a date cancels, analyse their behaviour to see if there’s suggestion you’re on a backbench. Have they communicate you’re not a huge priority by responding late and sending short replies? Maybe you’re in an unsure box. Does the person you’re talking to deal with anxiety, has nerves got the better of them? Anne Hathaway brilliantly plays a bipolar woman in Modern Love. Her character Lexi left a date hanging during a depressive bout.
Last minute, surly that’s a no?
Given a decent cancellation period, most of us would take the advice above. With short notice, we’re confused, angry; it’s hard to know how to react. I gave a second chance to a guy cancelling plans last minute, and he did it again, last minute. Having done it myself, I can see the selfishness and lack of care. I wouldn’t expect to be trusted again until I’ve gone overboard in proving my commitment. The question to ask when placed in this position: Do you trust/care enough about a person that you’re willing to sacrifice your time again?
A one-off happens – repetitive flakiness becomes a problem. When a friend cancelled recently, I called her up and soon gathered she needed me to support her through something, not to quickly reschedule. We’re more willing to accept last minute cancelling plans if we trust and feel confident in someone. We can probably forgive ongoing excuses with those closest to us.
Watching a film curled up in bed, I had to confront parts of me I don’t like. I was more concerned about my own laziness and what that meant, than actually worrying about the poor guy who prepared for an evening not happening. In lessons to be learned, I’ll stop asking friends, stop ignoring my judgement and think better before saying yes. If I do end up meeting the guy, I’ll be certain as to how I’m feeling, and I’ll be sure to turn up.
This is such an insightful article! I have only cancelled plans last minute… and I chose the worst time to do so. I cancelled on a friend on his birthday. What I hadn’t realized is that he had been looking forward to seeing me so much, he had decided to arrive early. Meaning an hour before we were supposed to meet up. And that’s when I cancelled. I was going through some things at the time and I simply…. couldn’t. But that’s no excuse to do what I did. It was a shitty thing to do and I will always regret it. Luckily he forgave me!
Now, I will oftentimes force myself to meet up with people even though I do not want to. In my case (emergencies aside), if I change my mind about meeting up with someone, it’s because I am in a bad place (mentally). Forcing myself to go has actually proven pretty beneficial for me. A lot of times it is exactly what I need at the time… simply talking to a person. Being someone who tends to shut out a lot of people when dealing with problems, it can be a nice change to actually let someone in.
I recently had plans with a guy I was seeing and just a few days before we were supposed to go to a concert he cancelled. If a friend or family member had done the same, I would have not been as upset. Because with people I know well, I find it easier to put myself into their situation….and maybe I don’t feel the need to try so hard? If I like someone (romantically) and they cancel, I will often think that there must be something wrong with ME… which is stupid, I know. But it doesn’t change the fact that it hurts. I would never think that it was my fault when it comes to my closest friends or family.
Wonderful article (as always), Laura. It’s always a pleasure to read what you write!!
Thank you Fiona! I get upset if a date cancels, because I usually put a lot of expectation on it and how it could potentially go, Maybe because a date can actually impact your life and form a relationship, whereas friends cancelling is just a case of rescheduling.
I often want to cancel if I’m mentally in a bad place as well. I can easily shut myself in. It’s great when you have friends who can pull you out of that.
Yep! I plucked up the courage to say hi as soon as I recognised him so imagine my surprise. He gestured for us to go sit down but I think he picked up that I hadn’t ordered any drink cos of the look on my face. I then awkwardly order myself coffee and pay (honestly, I can pay for my own coffee, whatever, but it was just the PRINCIPLE.) I felt so awkward doing this. Oh and I should mention that he was really good friends with the guy serving as well as another guy so guess what else happened… They especially served us, even bringing us popcorn. I swear they were keeping tabs on us though. Anyways, the guy did ask for a second date but I declined and basically said why in the nicest way possible as friendly feedback.
As for the current guy – the responses are not bad but I guess I prefer the pace of the conversation to be a lot more quicker than it is. I don’t need to be speaking to someone for HOURS but it’s so minimal, I do kinda wonder what’s the point? Oh well, I’ll give it time because he does seem like a nice enough guy so who knows.
It seems the coffee guy just made no effort. Even taking you to a place that he goes to regularly, there’s not much thought. It’s like a date I had a few days ago where he chose a bar that was packed, didn’t really think about it. I prefer when there’s a clear plan.
With the current guy, the only other thing I can think, is maybe he’s been online dating for a while. Sometimes I take time to respond because I’m so aware of how fleeting it can be, and I’m cautious giving too much time to someone I’ve not met. Give it time and see what he’s like in person.
The only good out of it is that it’s a good story to tell friends! Haha!
You’re probably right. I have learnt that I’m not as patient as I thought I was…at least not in this aspect. Having said that, I also like to take things slow! We had a good conversation yesterday though so maybe he is sussing me out as much as I am with him. Dating is such a game of psychology!
There’s always that… a good story!
Let me know how it goes. Hopefully he ends up being a really nice guy!
I normally refrain from saying certain things when commenting on people’s blogs but OMG could we be more in-sync!!!
I’m going through the exact same thing right now – I was the one who motioned for a date cancellation but I did it quite diplomatically rather than full-on and he agreed it was best to meet up and reschedule another time as he was all over the place with his schedule and work.
I am honestly not the type of person to cancel on someone. I will always make a date and always be on time. In fact, I’m more worried about seeming like a flake because I don’t like it when people are overly late or flaky. It bothers me. (FYI my second Tinder date was 20 minutes late and instead of coming to find me, I had to go find him after a text from him to say “I’m inside, grey coat”…by the time I found him which honestly did not take long since he was just 4 metres away, he had ordered and paid for his own coffee in front of the bar. I couldn’t believe it.) This time though, it seemed appropriate to cancel. It was a first-time for me but was definitely the right decision.
I was meant to meet someone new yesterday after work but the guy had been super bad and slow with responding on WhatsApp. Other than saying we’ll meet on Wednesday, nothing else had been planned in terms of time, place, activity. He had been absent on the weekend. He wasn’t the most prompt responder although not bad especially at the beginning; I just said to myself, “let’s just keep it casual, people are busy”. By the time he asked how my weekend had gone on Sunday evening, 1 of his 5 messages was not the nicest to read (it kind of assumed my identity shall we say…) so in response to that particular message, I replied quite bluntly whilst also keeping it light. The next morning, he had obviously read my messages but all in all, he did not respond until 2 days later. The Wednesday date had still not been discussed so I didn’t even know if it was still on! Tuesday afternoon comes around and he finally replies to all my messages including a question of whether Wednesday was best as it was the only day he was free (by this point, I had given up). I reply bluntly again but also make light of the situation, explaining that I felt like I was being aired and that Wednesday was not on. He again, takes his time to reply.
Anyways, fast-forward, he apologises – twice. But remains inconsistent and slow with responding despite being online. I have yet to meet the guy but I’m not sure if I’m invested if the conversation has been slow and going nowhere all this week. My friends are telling me to give him a chance and meet him to then decide.
I think you should go with your instincts. I usually find the way a guy communicates via text is the way they’ll continue to communicate in a relationship.
Especially at the beginning stages when you’re suppose to be in the ‘impress me stage’, going out of your way to get another person’s attention. Having said that, he could just be very busy. I’d consider not the actual length of time it takes, but what he actually chooses to message. Does he take time to leave good responses?
With the Tinder date, I was reading in shock – how rude! I would have wanted to just leave. Not only to arrive late. but to then make you come and meet him, and THEN find he has his coffee ready just sat there.
I’m really not a canceller either. In fact, this post shares the only time I’ve cancelled last minute like this. The closer I got to meeting him, the more I started to look for excuses to back out. And while I wrote this post feeling really guilty and bad about it, I realise now I made the best decision. His response was pretty bad. And overall, he made hardly any effort while expecting me to travel to him.
I do understand that people have to cancel, even last minute, every now and then. But for reasons from my childhood, I only do so if I absolutely can’t get around it. When people cancel, and don’t reschedule, I feel like (again, childhood issues here) I’m just a horrible person that people can’t stand to be around. I know it’s silly to think/feel like that, but yeah… reasons… I’m working on it though 🙂
With that said – it’s important to think of ourselves first. I mean, we don’t cancel on someone to be rude. Sometimes it’s just the best thing to do. I even think it’s a healthy thing to do, to not do something because we are to afraid to cancel. When it comes to rescheduling… it depends on who it’s with, what we’re suppsed to do, etc.
Looking back now, even though I hate cancelling last-minute, I’m glad I made the decision. It wouldn’t have been good in the long run if I had gone along and pretended.
It’s never nice when someone doesn’t reschedule though. I think now because of the #selflove movement, people feel more okay about cancelling and putting themselves first. There’s less guilt attached.
Sorry to hear about your wisdom teeth hun! Hope you’re feeling better now 🙂
I thought it’s totally ok that you cancelled on him because you really weren’t feeling well. I mean a mature person would understand if there was a specific good reason why you cancelled on him.
I guess it depends on the reason. If a guy cancelled on me because of problems, illnesses, emergencies or like a legit reason then I have no problems and wouldn’t mind. But if he canclled because he just wasn’t feeling it or had other plans with friends, then that is just no excuse and I wouldn’t want to date him for sure if he just kept flaking on me.
I usually don’t flake on people or cancel last minute unless it’s a really important reason. But now that we are in our 20’s, I prefer and expect men now to be more consistent and stable and not waste my time flaking on me if they are just looking for a short term fling or something. Just totally done with that stuff.
Great post girl
Thank you girl. The pain is very on and off.
I don’t think he took the cancellation well at all, but I do know how irritating it can be when you prepare for something which then doesn’t happen.
Yes a guy cancelling just to hang out with his friends or Netflix whatever, is such a lame excuse. You do expect at last minute, for someone to have a decent reason.