“I’m sorry.” My words sincere, the guilty kind. The type of sorry where you won’t attempt to make things up or plead for forgiveness, but you will ponder regret – at home, where I chose to spend last night rather than hit London for a date. Just under two hours before I was meant to say hi, I was cancelling plans through message.
My wisdom teeth were hurting and that caused a headache and made me feel lousy. I popped paracetamol in my mouth and messaged my closest friends for advice: “Tell him you have the coronavirus”; “Just go out!” Time went by, I decided to go. After confirming a location, 5 minutes later I sat on the side of my bath and envisioned the night ahead – my taxi, train, walk to greet him, positive pretence. I felt mentally paralysed, unable to grasp my next move. I found my phone and asked to reschedule.
He felt annoyed, naturally. “Do you understand that this is messing me around?” He asked this question in amongst paragraphs explaining how I’ve stopped him from making other plans. I’m in the wrong – I know the frustration well from experience. And ironically a few days prior, I became irritated by a friend’s casual response to changing our scheduled day together.
Cancelling plans last minute: Why?
I analysed reasons to backup my cancellation: The guy took time to respond to messages, he proposed our first meeting merely two days prior, he forgot he had another event to attend and arranged our date after. He was more agitated by not having other plans than caring about seeing me. Doesn’t it feel sickeningly sweet to gift yourself consolation.
According to Harper’s Bazaar, technology and FOMO impact our ease to bail – making it almost socially acceptable. Though it still hurts, it’s not as surprising anymore when a date, friend, colleague or even family member edits plans. WhatsApp provides an easy way to apologise and feel less guilty. We don’t have to hear or stare at disappointment. We can pretend the commitment we made on a particular day won’t matter. That no one has been looking forward, no one has bought a new outfit, made time for extra pampering. Act clueless to how hurtful it feels when I’ve used my expensive bath salts and scented body cream together for no reason.
Millennials are the self-care generation. If we don’t feel 100%, tweets, magazines and blog posts have our back. Cancelling plans is okay, it’s not flakiness – we’re prioritising our mental wellbeing. Silencing the wellbeing of the people we back out on.
Should you reschedule last minute cancellers?
My wisdom teeth did hurt – that’s not the real reason I cancelled. Had I felt certain the guy was my perfect match, the one who’s going to concoct butterflies and triple heartbeats, I’d have made the date. From the beginning (since joining online dating), I’ve begged for friends’ input. I want to know their thoughts, see if they approve. When this particular date came about, a nice guy who received full endorsement, I couldn’t figure my opinion.
Was he enough to endure another spin on the merry-go-round? I have enjoyed dating up to this point. The bad, embarrassing and uncomfortable – it’s all part of the game. And while the game can be cold, cruel, puzzling, it’s fun to step into. What’s not thrilling is selling yourself, repeatedly. Being judged, worrying about the most minuscule remark and accidental non-funny story.
Do you re-book a last-minute canceller? If their excuse sounds plausible and if they sincerely seem invested in making new arrangements. Daters usually give away their behaviour before meeting. A lack of response, questions, desire to create an evening you’d love. Sometimes we make plans with the best intentions – telling ourselves we should get out and there’s no reason to not. Then the date arrives, as does tiredness and disinterest.
If a date cancels, analyse their behaviour to see if there’s suggestion you’re on a backbench. Have they communicate you’re not a huge priority by responding late and sending short replies? Maybe you’re in an unsure box. Does the person you’re talking to deal with anxiety, has nerves got the better of them? Anne Hathaway brilliantly plays a bipolar woman in Modern Love. Her character Lexi left a date hanging during a depressive bout.
Last minute, surly that’s a no?
Given a decent cancellation period, most of us would take the advice above. With short notice, we’re confused, angry; it’s hard to know how to react. I gave a second chance to a guy cancelling plans last minute, and he did it again, last minute. Having done it myself, I can see the selfishness and lack of care. I wouldn’t expect to be trusted again until I’ve gone overboard in proving my commitment. The question to ask when placed in this position: Do you trust/care enough about a person that you’re willing to sacrifice your time again?
A one-off happens – repetitive flakiness becomes a problem. When a friend cancelled recently, I called her up and soon gathered she needed me to support her through something, not to quickly reschedule. We’re more willing to accept last minute cancelling plans if we trust and feel confident in someone. We can probably forgive ongoing excuses with those closest to us.
Watching a film curled up in bed, I had to confront parts of me I don’t like. I was more concerned about my own laziness and what that meant, than actually worrying about the poor guy who prepared for an evening not happening. In lessons to be learned, I’ll stop asking friends, stop ignoring my judgement and think better before saying yes. If I do end up meeting the guy, I’ll be certain as to how I’m feeling, and I’ll be sure to turn up.
It seems the coffee guy just made no effort. Even taking you to a place that he goes to regularly, there’s not much thought. It’s like a date I had a few days ago where he chose a bar that was packed, didn’t really think about it. I prefer when there’s a clear plan.
With the current guy, the only other thing I can think, is maybe he’s been online dating for a while. Sometimes I take time to respond because I’m so aware of how fleeting it can be, and I’m cautious giving too much time to someone I’ve not met. Give it time and see what he’s like in person.
There’s always that… a good story!
Let me know how it goes. Hopefully he ends up being a really nice guy!
I think you should go with your instincts. I usually find the way a guy communicates via text is the way they’ll continue to communicate in a relationship.
Especially at the beginning stages when you’re suppose to be in the ‘impress me stage’, going out of your way to get another person’s attention. Having said that, he could just be very busy. I’d consider not the actual length of time it takes, but what he actually chooses to message. Does he take time to leave good responses?
With the Tinder date, I was reading in shock – how rude! I would have wanted to just leave. Not only to arrive late. but to then make you come and meet him, and THEN find he has his coffee ready just sat there.
I’m really not a canceller either. In fact, this post shares the only time I’ve cancelled last minute like this. The closer I got to meeting him, the more I started to look for excuses to back out. And while I wrote this post feeling really guilty and bad about it, I realise now I made the best decision. His response was pretty bad. And overall, he made hardly any effort while expecting me to travel to him.
I do understand that people have to cancel, even last minute, every now and then. But for reasons from my childhood, I only do so if I absolutely can’t get around it. When people cancel, and don’t reschedule, I feel like (again, childhood issues here) I’m just a horrible person that people can’t stand to be around. I know it’s silly to think/feel like that, but yeah… reasons… I’m working on it though 🙂
With that said – it’s important to think of ourselves first. I mean, we don’t cancel on someone to be rude. Sometimes it’s just the best thing to do. I even think it’s a healthy thing to do, to not do something because we are to afraid to cancel. When it comes to rescheduling… it depends on who it’s with, what we’re suppsed to do, etc.
Looking back now, even though I hate cancelling last-minute, I’m glad I made the decision. It wouldn’t have been good in the long run if I had gone along and pretended.
It’s never nice when someone doesn’t reschedule though. I think now because of the #selflove movement, people feel more okay about cancelling and putting themselves first. There’s less guilt attached.
Sorry to hear about your wisdom teeth hun! Hope you’re feeling better now 🙂
I thought it’s totally ok that you cancelled on him because you really weren’t feeling well. I mean a mature person would understand if there was a specific good reason why you cancelled on him.
I guess it depends on the reason. If a guy cancelled on me because of problems, illnesses, emergencies or like a legit reason then I have no problems and wouldn’t mind. But if he canclled because he just wasn’t feeling it or had other plans with friends, then that is just no excuse and I wouldn’t want to date him for sure if he just kept flaking on me.
I usually don’t flake on people or cancel last minute unless it’s a really important reason. But now that we are in our 20’s, I prefer and expect men now to be more consistent and stable and not waste my time flaking on me if they are just looking for a short term fling or something. Just totally done with that stuff.
Great post girl
Thank you girl. The pain is very on and off.
I don’t think he took the cancellation well at all, but I do know how irritating it can be when you prepare for something which then doesn’t happen.
Yes a guy cancelling just to hang out with his friends or Netflix whatever, is such a lame excuse. You do expect at last minute, for someone to have a decent reason.