His mischievous eyes stare a second longer; I vision his face watching me undress. His relaxed arm around my waist; picturing the moment he pushes me towards his bed. The lips that fluently speak with passion; I see them touching undiscovered erogenous zones. How my fantasy taunts probability – public confidence doesn’t always match sureness in sex. How can one be insecure in bed and powerful elsewhere?
Such a story happened last year. It was me, the nervous wreck, leading a guy with sexual instructions. I became secure naked while he turned his room dark and kept his body beneath covers. Maybe my past surgeries have helped. Needing nurses to bathe me surely removed some nakedness fear.
Or maybe too much time passes between intimacy that when I get a chance to perform, eagerness makes me forget worry. Our bodies naked can cause insecurity (concern you won’t meet a person’s expectations) but there’s also the sex itself.
Insecure in Bed: How to overcome
According to Business Insider, male sex anxiety is more commonly discussed for two obvious reasons: size and endurance. Getting it up, keeping it up and making an impact. For women, self-esteem issues, anxiousness about orgasming and bad past experiences are typical reasons for feeling insecure in bed.
The article recommends seeing a therapist if you struggle with sex anxiety, and suggests an “improved understanding of the female anatomy” can treat many sex concerns. I’ve discussed a lot on The Style of Laura Jane about female masturbation and the taboo surrounding it. Only after an editor pleaded with me to review a sex toy did I learn how to enjoy love making. Female pleasure felt so uncomfortable to discuss. The me that started this blog would stare at me today in horror at my openness.
But if there’s a woman reading this who struggles to orgasm and doesn’t have the confidence to confide in friends, hopefully she’ll get a push from this post to explore further. On publication Everyday Health, a piece reveals tips to make orgasms better. As a writer, an analyst, a creative perfectionist – I’m haunted in bed by my thoughts. A guy can be excelling – making me moan and breathe deep, and a conversation will kick off inside. Like: ‘How long do I stay in this position? Am I doing enough? I don’t want to be one of those starfish girls’ people on Reddit mention, when they just lie there.’
That conversation (probably from the same voice that adores keeping me up at night when I’m tired) can cause distraction and in turn, less pleasure. I’d say staying present in the moment is an obstacle depending on my comfort. With that obstacle, climaxing can become a battle.
When insecurity in bed involves guilt and body shame
Other than my chattering mind, I don’t have too many hang ups. When a guy agrees to sex, I feel relaxed as I know I’m desired. During the first few dates, I fake confidence. Lots of smiles, a raised voice. In bed, everything is on the table. Well, you don’t necessarily know if someone likes you and who’s to say what could happen after. You’re aware nonetheless, the next few moments (on-and-off hours if you’re lucky) is dedicated to fun. Listening, asking, trying – it’s a space away from others to loosen up.
With body shame though, the exhilaration of sex can get cloudy. We usually portray nudity as beautiful in art. We can stare at life-sized naked statues and ancient paintings bare from clothes and not blush or look down. When nudity is sexually presented – video and photography, our comfort levels can plummet. I had to address my nude prudishness when a friend abroad casually took off her bikini in the same room as me to then walk in the shower.
To her it was nothing – to me I wanted to conceal myself as though back in P.E changing rooms. There’s a dirty stigma – artists (of any creative form) have to tread carefully to make their work look ‘classy’. Black and white, non-sexual expressions, elegant silk and luxurious bed sheets. Biting your lips whilst wearing nothing is an easy way to get branded a ‘slut’.
If you are insecure in bed due to body hang-ups, I advocate positive affirmations in front of a mirror with nothing on. Taking time to pamper: Exfoliating, nail painting, scented body creams. In relationships, it’s important for a partner to demonstrate support and encouragement. The first time I had sex, my boyfriend at the time kissed my surgical back scar and included positions where he faced it (that and my butt) to stop me fretting about its appearance.
How do you know if you’re good?
Most of us fake confidence – some guys I meet have self-love down to a tee. They know who they are, what they want, how they feel. I effortlessly fall for charismatic, self-assured men. I make the assumption – I presume their confidence transcends. It’s startling to me: What causes any person to waltz in a room with ease and then balk during intimacy?
Is the answer sourced from theories mentioned above, or a lurking, unsettling view; a query to if they’re good? Has a person once faked their sessions? Did a lover accidentally criticise and complain when trying to request new positions? Could sweeping time be to blame – going from a long-term relationship to the complicated dating world?
GQ lists the moves of an amazing bed partner, suggesting its readers ace some of the points to ensure they’re “cooking with gas”. A point mentioned, foreplay, really aids as a stress reliever. It’s an easy method to form intimacy and get turned on without necessarily stripping.
If insecurity in bed affects performance and ability to have great sex, it’s a topic to address. Ask: What causes the sexual doubt and what resources will help?