What is it about men and threesomes? It’s no secret most straight guys dream of two girls in bed with them. Do women fantasise the same: two guys all to themselves?
A typical three-way involves MFF (one man, two females). In this scenario, women usually get intimate as a twosome, as well as participate with the guy. But in an MMF situation – straight guys it seems, rarely kiss or perform head together. So, what gives? Are women more sexually fluid?
The friend who tried to persuade me
At 19, my mid-twenty-something work colleague (we’ll call her Elle), appeared confident, independent and knowledgeable about where to order a good drink in London. We often met after work – her desperate to find a boyfriend, me wanting to have fun.
Elle found herself a non-committal guy – he rarely had time to meet on the weekends – he amazingly managed to slot in weekday sex. One week, she arranged to meet me for a quick get-together – time had passed since she left our company. Elle found a place in the city, where we ordered a bottle of wine. About an hour later, she received a text from her boyfriend, saying he was on his way.
I asked why she’d invite him to our ‘girls evening’. “Oh”, she said. “He was going to bring his friend for you to meet. The guy cancelled last-minute”.
Annoyed at her bizarre plotting, she promised he’d stay for just a quick drink. I did my best to smile and converse when her partner arrived. We continued to drink together until I was drunk enough to start dancing. With her boyfriend not leaving, I asked why he wasn’t going home. Casually she said, “He probably wants a threesome with us”.
This wasn’t casual at all. She tried to encourage me to experiment in my drunken haze. We kissed – and she admitted she wanted to sleep with me. I tried to consider it, to imagine ourselves wrapped-up in one another. But I didn’t fancy either of them. And I’d never pictured making love to her. She was a co-worker friend who didn’t talk about girls in an sexual way.
So, are women more sexually fluid?
In Sex and the City, Carrie described male bisexuality as a “layover to Gaytown”. At the time, other women may have agreed: what if a bisexual guy is in the closet, pretending he likes girls?
According to a study, reported in Advocate, younger generations are becoming more fluid on their sexuality. Just “66 percent of young people identify as exclusively heterosexual”. This percentage (those open to potential intimacy with their gender) decreases with age.
Website Fatherly researched this topic, finding women are more-likely to be open-minded. Depending on their circumstances, they’re more willing to adjust their sexual preferences. Rather than label themselves as straight, lesbian or bisexual – they’re more prone to an ‘anything could happen’ attitude.
The article does note growing evidence indicating men might be as sexually open, but due to societal stigma, feel unable to act.
On a walk with a friend (pre-social distancing), they asked if I would consider a threesome. Naturally, they presumed they’d be a second woman involved. I hesitated, and thought, why not two men? Most threesomes, featuring two guys, position the men on either side of a woman. They get turned on by a woman (maybe a partner) enjoying a male in front of them, but not with touching each other.
Does it have to do with masculinity?
As a female, I feel I’m more able to kiss and have sex with a woman without people suspecting my sexuality.
“I had one too many drinks last night”; “My boyfriend requested for me to play with a girl”.
I could explain myself with these statements and move on. I’ve kissed two girls before, not in the least feeling sexual desire towards them. I didn’t even think to think anything – I’ve always known the only times I physically admire women, are when I want to recreate their makeup looks, or feel inspired by their fitness, career, fashion, lifestyle.
In my opinion, men don’t get the same freedom. If a straight man was to get drunk and make out with a straight man randomly, they’d be assumptions – is he gay or bi?
Bisexuality is typically defined as being attracted to men and women. Sexual fluidity is more inclusive – it’s less fixed and more changeable. Some people don’t feel they fit or conform with a bisexual label – they may exclusively like one gender now, but could see themselves dating a different gender in the future. Others may not believe in ‘gender attraction’ – some think it’s about liking people as individual souls.
Young society is finding freedom to keep their sexual options open. Yet, as an article on The Cut says: “We like male sexuality to be simplistic”. Some men (like some women) can be 90% attracted to their opposite gender, with a 10% interest in the same-sex.
Masculinity is associated to muscular men, who whether beer or vodka drinkers, love having sex with women. Perhaps there is too much homophobia in culture to currently extend this idea?
How does this all link to threesomes?
We can presume (going by studies), a few ‘mostly straight’ men (perhaps secretive on their slight interest for their gender), would happily make love to a woman and a guy. Unlike women however, they don’t have the same acceptance to embrace this. Could that be why we assume most threesomes MFF?
There’s so much confusion around gender sexuality. If a woman does enjoy a girl-on-girl three-way, is she sexually fluid? If a man occasionally watches two men together, is he sexually fluid?
At present, millennials and Gen Z are moving the conversation forward – when will we all start to adapt our views?
Will women ever fantasise about men together in the same way men envision women in threesomes?
Thank you! This made me smile 🙂 I love addressing these topics because they make people think and help others to address their feelings. xx
It’s really nice to connect to with another blogger who shares the same views! 🙂 x
This is the first time I’ve been on your blog (I came here from your Instagram). This is a subject that I think is so interesting and I think you discuss it really well.
We live in a society where women are sexualised, and men find their masculinity in pursuing women. I am part of a younger generation where I definitely feel comfortable that if I ever wanted to ‘experiment’ with the same sex I could, and that in fact if I ever did I’d have a broad audience of people happy to listen to the details. That’s because I’m a woman, and then there is my boyfriend on the other side of that. He is the most loving person I have ever met, but his sexuality is something we both struggle with. Society has told him to keep his 10% interest in men a secret, because otherwise he is labelled ‘gay’ and his 90% preference for women is ignored. This has led to him being uncomfortable at best with his sexuality and me confused by his confusion. Then I have to remind myself that we have experienced different freedoms with our sexualities. I think that he would enjoy a MFM experience, and I think he would want to experiment with that said male. In no world though do I think he would ever put himself in this situation and if he ever was he wouldn’t experiment with said male. Yet he’d encourage me to if we were in a MFF situation.
All very interesting and I could definitely go on, but I will stop here. Thank you for bringing this subject up so eloquently.
Thank you Charlotte for taking the time to read.
I think the problem shouldn’t be about women being sexualised, but in how we teach men to think about masculinity. A lot of it does centre around pursuing women and counting a high number of bedroom partners.
I’ve noticed that women are not very fazed about others thinking they might be gay. But some straight guys get very funny about looking like gay men or being considered one. Probably because again, masculinity is based on women.
It’s a shame that your boyfriend doesn’t feel comfortable to express that 10% of him. Though very understandable in today’s society.
Great article Laura. I know I haven’t been here in a while but I‘m glad you‘re still here. You‘re writing has always been brave and honest and I love that about your blog.
I think the problem is often that the idea of a threesome is much better than the actual outcome.
When I was single the MFM situation was the only one I ever considered but only to have two men focussing on me and to feel special I guess. The thought of sharing a guy with another girl was never suitable for me. Being in a relationship I could never share my bf with someone else (maybe I‘m too jealous but I can be quite insecure).
I only ever experienced the MFM situation and even before, the part where they would start touching just seemed unrealistic to me, which it was in the end. I wouldn’t have had a problem with it but I guess heterosexual men don’t like to cross that line. I guess it only ever makes sense if the guys are either attracted to each other or strangers, otherwise they will end up struggling to be naked in front of each other.
Thank you Alex!! I keep pushing myself to be more open and discuss topics not always addressed.
I get where you’re coming from about sharing your boyfriend with another woman. From that perspective, two guys does seem more suitable.
Because straight men are usually very uncomfortable about having their sexuality challenged or adapted, they usually don’t respond well to interacting sexually with each other. Whereas women can kiss and do stuff to another female, usually without concern. Unless the guys were really into it, it would come across fake.
Laura you aren’t afraid to touch topics.
I have been in many threesomes, but they have all been MFM. I really enjoy them. I have never touched any of these men. They have never touched me.
Some men want to experience/watch the “my wife having another man” thing. I think they are great. And when the two men really dedicate themselves to
pleasing of this shared woman, I think it can be such an exhilirating experience for her.
Never had a MFF. Have curiosity, but honestly the whole girl kissing thing is fine, but it doesn’t drive me crazy or anything. So, I never really persued it.
Will women ever get turned on by seeing two men perform? Perhaps, we are still decades away from that. Two men kissing are automatically labeled gay or bi as you stated in your article. I don’t think to many women will be turned on by that, not right now. I believe for the most part, women still want a man to be a man. Maybe I am wrong.
Have a great weekend.
It’s interesting to read a man’s perspective.
Funnily enough, I spoke to a friend about this, and we agreed that while we don’t have male on male fantasies, we wouldn’t be turned off by a boyfriend being sexual with another man during a threesome. I’ve never had a threesome before and I suppose because it’s not a major fantasy or turn-on for me, but I think it could be hot if two guys didn’t completely ignore one another during the act.
But in general though, I think many women still fall to the perception that if a man is enjoying another man, he must be gay or maybe more interested in men. It seems insecurity has a role to play in our acceptance.
Hope you have a fantastic week and thank you for commenting.