Can true love be balanced? Can two partners love each other equally, like parents’ love their children? I don’t believe it’s so possible. I feel there’s always one individual who loves, admires or cares that little bit more. And what I’ve learnt – I never want to be that person. I never want to love a man more than he loves me.
How to tell who loves who more in a relationship
As an extremely passionate woman, I’ve often situated myself as the most dedicated lover. I’ll drench my partners in romance and desire: I’ll send them photos to feed their sexual appetite, write poetry to declare their wondrous qualities. (What decade am I from, you ask). They’ll never have to wonder my attraction. When in love, I naturally acclimatise to fit my boyfriend’s ideal woman. Whether he wants me more adventurous, wild, homely or glamorous. I will notice their insecurities and do what I can to remove them.
Right from the first date, people try to highlight their best qualities and find similarities to make a match. I tend to unhealthily overtry my perfection: wanting to be their greatest, romantic experience… ever.
Besides the insecurity that stems from moulding and moulding until you’re so realigned, you lose sight of what is and isn’t you, when you love a man more, you become the biggest risk. The most likely to suffer heartache, rejection and insecurity. Who wants to be the most needy and vulnerable? Knowing you’re less adored and less valued.
Forgetting anniversaries, consistently not communicating first, not showing mutual respect: some traits Insider suggests proves relationship imbalance. Though love in itself is a difficult thing to measure; when we’re in love, we find grand space to care and nurture. It’s natural to want to hear from them, to help bring happiness to our lover’s day. You may have zero interest in learning about law, but you’ll enjoy listening to your partner describe their recent court success.
Each person shows love differently – it’s hard to argue someone loves less because they don’t take Valentine’s seriously, or choose to not bake their partner’s favourite dessert. But if you were to ask yourself: who loves who more… wouldn’t you have an answer? There’s behaviour, stares, actions… things we do that set apart our adoration.
How do you deal with loving someone more than they love you?
To me, these signs allude to the type of person who gives most of their heart:
- The quintessential romantic – a true lover of love. They capture most joy from their sexual mate.
- A soulmate believer – one partner can believe they’ve found their absolute “meant to be together”. The other, may think they could one day fall in love again.
- A relationship craving – an individual who hates being single.
- Insecurity – a craving to be needed and loved.
- A fear of loneliness.
- Someone who thinks love always comes before career.
Some people have an insatiable need to give love and may take comfort in pleasing their other halves. They might be more open – eager to put their affection out there. Making yourself the most devoted can show your strength in not hiding or withholding from feelings. You can prioritise your relationship without external factors affecting your actions.
It’s all to easy to stop making effort once the courting phase is over, when you know someone likes you and wants to be with you. We can forget that love forever requires upkeep.
If you feel you put more energy and commitment into your relationships, than you can begin to feel resentment. It’s good to ask: Why do I care more? If there’s an obvious imbalance, can you honestly feel okay knowing you aren’t as appreciated? Does it matter that you make time to prioritise a partner’s wishes; you keep track of their accomplishments, when they can barely recall the work success you’ve told them?
I don’t think anyone should deal with such a widening gap. Unless of course, it’s me choosing to not love a man more.
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Why you should never love a man more than he loves you
“I’m going to have to cancel my plans to see him.”
“Why can’t you choose to meet on another day?”
“He’s busy every weekend for the next couple of weeks.”
An old friend use to desperately try to convince me that her and her boyfriend both loved each other. It didn’t matter that their relationship worked round his schedule. He barely contacted first, neither took her to places she enjoyed visiting. With starry-eyes and a rosy exterior; her perfectly plucked eyebrows would raise as her lips turned up, to tell me about his infrequent acts of desire. One time, she gushed about an invite to a family wedding – a year after their affair started.
You may think he didn’t love her – perhaps he didn’t love her enough.
Not only does a good life partner share similar sex and communication demands, it’s healthy to seek someone who can provide the love you need to feel secure.
I want a man who couldn’t feel luckier to hold my affection. I don’t want to nag about one-on-one time, or wait until a special occasion to receive confirmation I’m loved. If a man loves me more, I can feel comfortable expressing my passion. I’ll know it will never go overboard or feel too much, because it can’t actually compare to the words that he wants to say to me.
To love a man more, also puts pressure on him – what if he feels he can’t live up to your obligation? It seems human nature to not make as much as effort when you don’t feel you necessarily have to. It can become routine for one person to organise dates and prioritise contact.
Between any couple, there is a high chance for love inequality; even when two people (or however many) take care of each other and both show romance. Rarely can dedication split 50/50. That’s why my plan involves finding a partner who is almost on the same wavelength, or ideally that much more.
To compliment this post, read: How Do You Know if Your Partner is Not The One?
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Great article Laura,
I always preach this to my lady friends. Well as a guy whose loved and been loved more, I also agree with your statement. I once met a girl at her mid 20’s and I’m in my early 30’s I was more mature obviously lol. She was previously with a guy whom she loved more than he loved her, apparently this guy was a master manipulated and he had anger issues, she told me that when they fought he would throw anything he finds in front of him at the wall, bangs the door and lock her inside the room, he’d come back when he’s calm and they would have make up sex and carry on with their lives. When she’s out with her friends he would call every 30 minutes to check up on her sometimes asks for selfies of them together.
This became a habit and she had figured how to handle and tolerate his behavior, she let this happen for two years as she felt she loved him deeply and this was her first real love.
Until she met me, I was a bad guy who had turned to God for better life, i would say I’m spiritual, grounded, good listener, passionate and emphatic..she was also a church girl, passionate lover, great sense of humour we just clicked, so we got to know one another by spending weekends together, picnics, movies, games, we built so much bond through our deep conversations, intimate topics and she confessed she has never been so open to a guy as she was to me, we even said we are soulmates, best friends yet we hadn’t had sex throughout that time, however “she was having doubts about being exclusive with me” and that was a deal breaker for me but I gave her a chance to make decision.
She started showing signs of emotional instability, her self-esteem was very low, she would constantly look down on herself. I then figured it was from her previous relationship and I addressed it to her without making the ex guy look like a bad person thinking she will decide on her own what she thought of him. After that we then tried a relationship, I knew I had to show her real love and I felt it but at the back of my mind I wanted to be cautious while loving her the way she was, we continued until she introduced me to her siblings and close friends who liked me a lot as they also believed we were a great match, same beliefs, same relationship goals and i brought safety and stability that is needed by any stable women. Then I finally et my guards down..I always took the lead without forcing things out. One time her words were ” you love me correctly, I never thought there was any type of love like this ” she complemented and appreciated me quite often and i did too as she was always there when i needed her..things were going so well for few months until she became depressed and felt she shouldn’t be with me, then she broke up with me and said she don’t love me, she can’t reciprocate my love and guess what she ” SHE WENT BACK TO EX” that moment I was so deep into her but later it clicked “OMG i was a rebound guy, how could she love me when she’s unstable? clearly she understood the relationship with her ex better” I was so heartbroken but I learnt to never ignore signs of emotional instabilities on my dates, I also learnt that love doesn’t change a person until they chose to love themselves first..
I think any woman who loves a man more needs to be careful, a guy can easily control and take advantage of you when he acknowledges your ability to love him even when he don’t deserve it! Some men are so broken and most of us don’t take time to work on building ourselves after a heart break, chances are the next girl will be the victim of abuse no matter how much they love us they will pay for sins they didn’t commit
This girl recently asked her sister to send me a picture of a plant that i gave her while we were together she kept it and grew it as a reminder of me “she said”. I thought she wanted us to be friends again then I asked her not to make any means of contact to me right now..
I think once something becomes a habit or a normal pattern of behaviour, it can be very difficult to break. She might not have been in love with him – maybe she felt she needed him. I had a friend in a similar abusive situation, and it got the point where he made her feel worthless alone. It transcended more to addiction than love.
I’m taking a complete guess, but she might have felt undeserving of your love; unsure why your relationship was going smoothly after the last guy. Maybe he made her believe she was always at fault.
That’s a very good point you made on guys not taking the time to work on building themselves after heart break. Usually women go through a complete transformation, where as guys go back to ‘normal’ and carry on.
I think it’s good you don’t have contact right now. You can focus on yourself and see how you feel at another time. Thank you for commenting and sharing your story.