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  1. Proffer says

    Great article Laura,
    I always preach this to my lady friends. Well as a guy whose loved and been loved more, I also agree with your statement. I once met a girl at her mid 20’s and I’m in my early 30’s I was more mature obviously lol. She was previously with a guy whom she loved more than he loved her, apparently this guy was a master manipulated and he had anger issues, she told me that when they fought he would throw anything he finds in front of him at the wall, bangs the door and lock her inside the room, he’d come back when he’s calm and they would have make up sex and carry on with their lives. When she’s out with her friends he would call every 30 minutes to check up on her sometimes asks for selfies of them together.

    This became a habit and she had figured how to handle and tolerate his behavior, she let this happen for two years as she felt she loved him deeply and this was her first real love.

    Until she met me, I was a bad guy who had turned to God for better life, i would say I’m spiritual, grounded, good listener, passionate and emphatic..she was also a church girl, passionate lover, great sense of humour we just clicked, so we got to know one another by spending weekends together, picnics, movies, games, we built so much bond through our deep conversations, intimate topics and she confessed she has never been so open to a guy as she was to me, we even said we are soulmates, best friends yet we hadn’t had sex throughout that time, however “she was having doubts about being exclusive with me” and that was a deal breaker for me but I gave her a chance to make decision.

    She started showing signs of emotional instability, her self-esteem was very low, she would constantly look down on herself. I then figured it was from her previous relationship and I addressed it to her without making the ex guy look like a bad person thinking she will decide on her own what she thought of him. After that we then tried a relationship, I knew I had to show her real love and I felt it but at the back of my mind I wanted to be cautious while loving her the way she was, we continued until she introduced me to her siblings and close friends who liked me a lot as they also believed we were a great match, same beliefs, same relationship goals and i brought safety and stability that is needed by any stable women. Then I finally et my guards down..I always took the lead without forcing things out. One time her words were ” you love me correctly, I never thought there was any type of love like this ” she complemented and appreciated me quite often and i did too as she was always there when i needed her..things were going so well for few months until she became depressed and felt she shouldn’t be with me, then she broke up with me and said she don’t love me, she can’t reciprocate my love and guess what she ” SHE WENT BACK TO EX” that moment I was so deep into her but later it clicked “OMG i was a rebound guy, how could she love me when she’s unstable? clearly she understood the relationship with her ex better” I was so heartbroken but I learnt to never ignore signs of emotional instabilities on my dates, I also learnt that love doesn’t change a person until they chose to love themselves first..

    I think any woman who loves a man more needs to be careful, a guy can easily control and take advantage of you when he acknowledges your ability to love him even when he don’t deserve it! Some men are so broken and most of us don’t take time to work on building ourselves after a heart break, chances are the next girl will be the victim of abuse no matter how much they love us they will pay for sins they didn’t commit

    This girl recently asked her sister to send me a picture of a plant that i gave her while we were together she kept it and grew it as a reminder of me “she said”. I thought she wanted us to be friends again then I asked her not to make any means of contact to me right now..

    • LauraJ says

      I think once something becomes a habit or a normal pattern of behaviour, it can be very difficult to break. She might not have been in love with him – maybe she felt she needed him. I had a friend in a similar abusive situation, and it got the point where he made her feel worthless alone. It transcended more to addiction than love.

      I’m taking a complete guess, but she might have felt undeserving of your love; unsure why your relationship was going smoothly after the last guy. Maybe he made her believe she was always at fault.

      That’s a very good point you made on guys not taking the time to work on building themselves after heart break. Usually women go through a complete transformation, where as guys go back to ‘normal’ and carry on.

      I think it’s good you don’t have contact right now. You can focus on yourself and see how you feel at another time. Thank you for commenting and sharing your story.

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