Can true love be balanced? Can two partners love each other equally, like parents’ love their children? I don’t believe it’s so possible. I feel there’s always one individual who loves, admires or cares that little bit more. And what I’ve learnt – I never want to be that person. I never want to love a man more than he loves me.
How to tell who loves who more in a relationship
As an extremely passionate woman, I’ve often situated myself as the most dedicated lover. I’ll drench my partners in romance and desire: I’ll send them photos to feed their sexual appetite, write poetry to declare their wondrous qualities. (What decade am I from, you ask). They’ll never have to wonder my attraction. When in love, I naturally acclimatise to fit my boyfriend’s ideal woman. Whether he wants me more adventurous, wild, homely or glamorous. I will notice their insecurities and do what I can to remove them.
Right from the first date, people try to highlight their best qualities and find similarities to make a match. I tend to unhealthily overtry my perfection: wanting to be their greatest, romantic experience… ever.
Besides the insecurity that stems from moulding and moulding until you’re so realigned, you lose sight of what is and isn’t you, when you love a man more, you become the biggest risk. The most likely to suffer heartache, rejection and insecurity. Who wants to be the most needy and vulnerable? Knowing you’re less adored and less valued.
Forgetting anniversaries, consistently not communicating first, not showing mutual respect: some traits Insider suggests proves relationship imbalance. Though love in itself is a difficult thing to measure; when we’re in love, we find grand space to care and nurture. It’s natural to want to hear from them, to help bring happiness to our lover’s day. You may have zero interest in learning about law, but you’ll enjoy listening to your partner describe their recent court success.
Each person shows love differently – it’s hard to argue someone loves less because they don’t take Valentine’s seriously, or choose to not bake their partner’s favourite dessert. But if you were to ask yourself: who loves who more… wouldn’t you have an answer? There’s behaviour, stares, actions… things we do that set apart our adoration.
How do you deal with loving someone more than they love you?
To me, these signs allude to the type of person who gives most of their heart:
- The quintessential romantic – a true lover of love. They capture most joy from their sexual mate.
- A soulmate believer – one partner can believe they’ve found their absolute “meant to be together”. The other, may think they could one day fall in love again.
- A relationship craving – an individual who hates being single.
- Insecurity – a craving to be needed and loved.
- A fear of loneliness.
- Someone who thinks love always comes before career.
Some people have an insatiable need to give love and may take comfort in pleasing their other halves. They might be more open – eager to put their affection out there. Making yourself the most devoted can show your strength in not hiding or withholding from feelings. You can prioritise your relationship without external factors affecting your actions.
It’s all to easy to stop making effort once the courting phase is over, when you know someone likes you and wants to be with you. We can forget that love forever requires upkeep.
If you feel you put more energy and commitment into your relationships, than you can begin to feel resentment. It’s good to ask: Why do I care more? If there’s an obvious imbalance, can you honestly feel okay knowing you aren’t as appreciated? Does it matter that you make time to prioritise a partner’s wishes; you keep track of their accomplishments, when they can barely recall the work success you’ve told them?
I don’t think anyone should deal with such a widening gap. Unless of course, it’s me choosing to not love a man more.
Why you should never love a man more than he loves you
“I’m going to have to cancel my plans to see him.”
“Why can’t you choose to meet on another day?”
“He’s busy every weekend for the next couple of weeks.”
An old friend use to desperately try to convince me that her and her boyfriend both loved each other. It didn’t matter that their relationship worked round his schedule. He barely contacted first, neither took her to places she enjoyed visiting. With starry-eyes and a rosy exterior; her perfectly plucked eyebrows would raise as her lips turned up, to tell me about his infrequent acts of desire. One time, she gushed about an invite to a family wedding – a year after their affair started.
You may think he didn’t love her – perhaps he didn’t love her enough.
Not only does a good life partner share similar sex and communication demands, it’s healthy to seek someone who can provide the love you need to feel secure.
I want a man who couldn’t feel luckier to hold my affection. I don’t want to nag about one-on-one time, or wait until a special occasion to receive confirmation I’m loved. If a man loves me more, I can feel comfortable expressing my passion. I’ll know it will never go overboard or feel too much, because it can’t actually compare to the words that he wants to say to me.
To love a man more, also puts pressure on him – what if he feels he can’t live up to your obligation? It seems human nature to not make as much as effort when you don’t feel you necessarily have to. It can become routine for one person to organise dates and prioritise contact.
Between any couple, there is a high chance for love inequality; even when two people (or however many) take care of each other and both show romance. Rarely can dedication split 50/50. That’s why my plan involves finding a partner who is almost on the same wavelength, or ideally that much more.
To compliment this post, read: How Do You Know if Your Partner is Not The One?