The first time I had sex, my only wisdom was to not lay still. Male friends complain about women not making enough effort. I remember my ex on top of me, and me thinking: how on earth do I make myself active in bed when I’m unable to move? I felt like a star fish trying to navigate round an octopus.
Disclaimer: This guide references women wanting to be active in bed with men. These tips can apply to any gender and sexual orientation. The post includes affiliate links. For more information, read my disclaimer.
How to be more active in bed: Initiate foreplay early on
According to Men’s Journal, research shows people can have longer and better sex when they gradually build up to intercourse. So, foreplay doesn’t help women alone – despite the stereotype that men prefer getting straight into action.
Rather than wait until you’re back home to start kissing, think about foreplay a few days before a date. You can tease through messages what you hope to happen, let it be known you have purchased new lingerie, and if you’re living together, kind acts like massages and extra affection can arouse desire.
Once on a date with a partner, I told them I had no underwear on as we were in a lift heading for drinks. (I was wearing a bodysuit). This really turned him on, to the point we were making out passionately in the lift back out.
Communicate your fantasies
Do you want a guy to push you against a wall and dramatically take off your clothes and dominate you? Would you prefer to take charge and put the cuff-links on him?
The Cut has described research indicating communication as a driving factor for sexual satisfaction. Having a conversation about what you and your partner want can boost bedroom enjoyment. As the publication notes: don’t rely on noises. Assuming a person can figure out what turns you on through groaning, isn’t the most reliable. A groan doesn’t tell someone what else may excite you.
Work on your body and sexual arousal
The Good Men Project recommend kegel exercises (contracting pelvic floor muscles) for stronger orgasms, and exercise for an increase in sex drive.
Knowing how to self-pleasure makes a huge difference in intercourse. Instead of relying on a man to figure out what buttons to push (they usually have no idea), take charge and learn what works for you. The more comfortable you get with your anatomy, the more confident you can feel with someone else providing pleasure.
If you need some help to reach self-pleasure, I suggest The Perfect Match flexible rabbit vibrator on Amazon. This toy doesn’t require batteries, has a silent motor and has several power speeds to experiment with. Before my first vibrator, I struggled to climax in bed. And when I say struggle, I mean I wasn’t able to orgasm. A rabbit is my personal preference but you may want to browse Amazon for other shapes: Bullet, egg, wand etc.
I put a guide together on Female Orgasm tips if you’d like more info on climaxing.
Consider self-pleasure in front of your partner
On an episode of the Closeness podcast, host Tari talked about masturbation during intercourse and how it conveys amazing rapture. The idea that your partner is so remarkable at sex, you can’t help but to touch yourself. Even putting a finger on your vagina can be enough to show how much you’re liking the experience.
It’s no secret people fake orgasms. And it’s easy to create some moans and pretend contentment. To masturbate therefore, makes a point that you really are happy and turned-on.
Nothing cuts a mood more than someone looking bored and miserable. When I spoke to a guy friend about great sexual encounters, he described one that sounded fairly vanilla. Not to say that vanilla sex can’t beat frisky, but I wondered why this particular person became highly memorable.
It turns out, the girl didn’t moan excessively or breathe loudly. When he asked her if the sex felt good, she said yes in such an overdrawn, intensely passionate way, he knew she meant it. Knowing he was creating that level of ecstasy made him feel like Julius Caesar when he defeated Pompey. I imagine.
When receiving pleasure, say when it feels great. Make some noise to demonstrate you’re happy. (If you’re not feeling satisfied, direct a new position). And likewise, be vocal when giving pleasure. A guy once told me that when a woman looks at him and smiles before giving oral, making noise and asking to perform it, it’s always the best sensation.
Admire each other’s bodies
Does anything beat confidence? At work, on a dance floor, when out on a date… It’s a cliché for a reason. Do what you can to appreciate your physique: immediately compliment yourself when you think negative body thoughts, stand in front of your mirror naked, indulge in bath salts and body exfoliation.
While women often compliment each other, men seem to rarely hear praise for their looks. I think it’s super sexy when a person takes a second to stare and admire who they’re about to make love to. Especially if they pause around the private parts.
If you don’t usually talk dirty i bed, it can feel daunting to start shouting, ‘Fuck, yeah… tell me I’m your dirty bitch’.
You can begin by describing an act: ‘I want to [insert act] to you.’
Or a fantasy: ‘I can’t stop thinking about you putting your lips over my nipples.’
You can also try a feeling: ‘I love when your fingers are inside of me rubbing.’
Initiate and take charge
Have you ever wanted sex, but sat silent until your partner made the first move? Take action in bed by suggesting sex when you feel horny.
To take charge in the bedroom, choose positions that put you on top. Whether that’s sitting on top or riding cowgirl.
Take a keen interest in ideas made by the person you’re sleeping with, and opt to explore new boundaries. You could try visiting a sex shop and ordering something new, watching porn that you typically scroll past, and simply researching different positions.
Maybe you want to be more active in bed by switching from the bedroom and into the shower or on a coach. Perhaps role-playing or a strip tease?
Relax and stimulate prior
Statistics reveal women have more sex after reading erotic literature. Consider making your next book purchase more steamy.
My poetry collection, Not in a Fairy Tale, includes sexual pieces on lust and desire. Click to find out more or shop on Amazon. Available internationally on Kindle and paperback.
Suggested next reads: