You want to be more active in bed, but you’re not sure where to start. This guide offers a wide range of ideas for you to explore, with tips on how to initiate, feel more confident and ultimately have the sex life you want.
Disclaimer: This guide references women wanting to be active in bed with men. These tips can apply to any gender and sexual orientation. The post includes affiliate links. For more information, read my disclaimer.
How to be more active in bed: Gradually build up
According to Men’s Journal, research shows people can have longer and better sex when they gradually build up to intercourse. So foreplay doesn’t just help women – despite the stereotype that men prefer getting straight into action.
You can mentally or physically stimulate your partner by:
1.) Messaging what you hope will happen in bed after your date is over.
2.) Mentioning that you have purchased new lingerie (even if your new lingerie is old but still looks good).
3.) Increasing affection. Try giving a massage or a comforting embrace; even holding hands can spark arousal.
4.) Saying something sexual when they least expect it. Once on a date, I told a partner I had no underwear on as we were in a lift heading for drinks (I was wearing a bodysuit). We ended up making out passionately in the lift on the way out.
Communicate your desires out loud
Do you want a guy to push you against a wall and dramatically take off your clothes and dominate you? Would you prefer to take charge and put the cuff-links on him?
The Cut has described research which suggests communication is a driving factor for sexual satisfaction. Having a conversation about what you and your partner want can boost bedroom enjoyment. As the publication notes: don’t rely on noises.
To be more active in bed, tell your partner what you want. Groaning alone reliable – It doesn’t exactly say what else may excite you.
Master your ability to self-pleasure
Knowing how to self-pleasure makes a huge difference! If you want more boldness during sex, learn what buttons your partner needs to push and then tell him how to go about it. Don’t wait for someone to figure it out (they usually have no idea).
What I recommend:
As much as I enjoy a vibrator, there is something wonderful about the simplicity of a non-charging sex toy. They are a helpful tool for figuring out what works for you – how much pressure, what speed, specific arousal points…
You can use them in multiple ways. To become more active in bed, why not use a toy to learn techniques that you can instruct your partner to perform. Additionally, you can bring in temperature play by heating or cooling the toy (just make sure you check product specifications first).
This Lelo has also become a new favourite of mine. The toy is easy to grip and is double-ended — I prefer the rounded side.
Self-pleasure in front of your sexual partner
On an episode of the Closeness podcast, host Tari talked about how pleasuring yourself during sex can conveys amazing rapture. The idea that your partner is so remarkable, you can’t help but to touch yourself.
By performing some form of self-pleasure, you help show that you are really turned-on and excited.
Experiment with BDSM
50 Shades of Grey put BDSM on the map. There are various levels and different types of ways to experiment with dominance or submission.
I’m a big fan of handcuffs, blindfolds and bondage restraints.
Here are some pieces I like from Lovehoney. The Black Silk Blindsfolds don’t completely conceal my vision but they feel comfy. I also enjoy these Black Restraints. I’m a fan of ones that don’t tie to the bed because it’s much easier to just tie your arms and legs together.
Shop the products here if you’re in the US.
Admire your partner’s body
How often do we remember to compliment our partners? Especially on physical aspects of their body. In bed, this can be such a turn on.
While women often compliment each other, men seem to rarely hear praise for their looks. I think it’s super sexy when a person takes a second to stare and admire who they’re about to make love to. Especially if they pause around the private parts.
If you don’t usually talk dirty in bed, it may feel daunting to start shouting, ‘Yeah… tell me I’m your dirty b*tch’.
You can begin by describing an act: ‘I want to [insert act] to you.’
Or a fantasy: ‘I can’t stop thinking about you putting your lips over my nipples.’
You can also try a feeling: ‘I love when your fingers are inside of me rubbing.’
Choose positions that put you on top
To take charge in the bedroom, choose positions that put you in control. Some of these positions include sitting on top (the obvious), riding cowgirl, lotus (sitting on your partner’s lap while they’re sat with their legs crossed) and to switch things up, opt to sit on top using a chair (facing or away).
Relax and stimulate prior
Statistics reveal women have more sex after reading erotic literature. Consider making your next book purchase more steamy with erotica such as Scars by Dana Isaly.
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