Relationship Deal Breaker: Not Getting Oral Sex

If oral sex isn’t a deal breaker to you, I have to ask: Have you had great oral sex? I was once in such a position.

Grown accustom to hearing jokes on vaginas smelling like fish; I paid no attention to receiving one-on-one clitoral focus. Pre self-masturbation, I gave head to guys who wanted me to feel grateful that they’re two clumsy fingers managed to prance round my pussy’s area. (Never typed the P word in blogging before).

One guy had my lips performing acrobatics.  So desperate was I to please Mr. Perfect: Perfect eyes, apartment and black jumpers I longed to own, I sucked his penis as though his cum was the chocolate found at the end of a Cornetto. It wasn’t, it actually tasted like my mouth had swallowed sea water that harbours rusty artifacts. Once he came, he went to his bathroom before strolling to bed. He tucked himself in as though his bed contained 100% pure cloud from the sky. If he was sleeping on one, I was beside him raging like thunder.

The oral sex gap

I’ve previously discussed how women suffer from an orgasm gap – noting it’s sometimes their fault. And I feel that way about oral sex. Rather than discuss the self-blame now, let’s first acknowledge society’s vaginal dislike.

If you’re reading this as a woman, can you say you like how your vagina looks? Arguably, most women consider the appearance gross. Several taboos surround the anatomy: Period blood, discharge, odour. Each of these taboos are rarely discussed, unless we’re talking period poverty. Girls are taught they’re naturally unhygienic (despite the self-cleaning system vaginas have), and therefore need lots of specific items to keep themselves clean.

As a 2018 Guardian article shares, the “feminine hygiene” industry sells itself on the fear of bad smells. Nearly all campaigns selling products for female private parts promote improved scent. The Guardian piece notes that tampon and sanitary adverts consistently use the word “fresh”.

Many years ago (when I first received oral), I was laying in my ex partner’s bed, wearing a thong, as he kissed my neck and breasts. Slowly he moved towards my underwear and began to peel them off. Quickly I grabbed his hands and said my period had just finished. In hindsight, an awkward thing to blurt during foreplay. He smiled and crept back up to kiss me. The next night, he tried again, this time telling me to relax. When my thongs came off, he stared for second, then caressed and licked as though he had to stop an ice-lolly from melting.

Pure ecstasy wiped over me as I gripped his headboard and tried to control my moaning. This memory alone explains why not getting oral sex is a relationship deal breaker.

Is it normal for a guy to not like giving oral?

An In Style article reported on two surveys which reveal more men than women have received oral sex. The magazine addresses the misogyny linked to cunnilingus – how some guys see it as too submissive; unmanly. In Style note the imbalance in porn. It’s common to see a woman suck a man’s penis – yet rarely if ever, do we see a man return the favour. Or actually show interest to initiate the act.

I’ve heard men share jokes about it. One online personality posted various tweets on his refusal to go down. He described the vagina as a humorous, icky thing he’s not willing to have sat between his ears. This man funnily, LOVES women and is absolutely straight. Even more funny (please note my sarcasm here), he expects women to give him head. Some females laughed and liked his words – perhaps their dating history includes men like him?

On Vice, a straight man wrote a piece explaining his hate at giving oral sex. He writes about the sense of smell, the awkward position required; how vaginas are more demanding than penises. As women have different preferences which aren’t the easiest to master, he’d prefer to skip female pleasure and instead, receive blow jobs. As he wrote: “blowjobs are a fundamental part of the sexual intercourse game.” Yes, because putting a penis in your mouth and sucking on it, while trying to avoid gag reflexes and avoid teeth – SO easy!

I hate to break it to men – your penises don’t compare to candy. They also don’t look like candy, as much as some of you like sharing them. I’ve never sat at a restaurant and thought “Yum. This food tastes amazing. It almost tastes as good as penis”.

Why not giving oral sex is always a deal breaker

I have an ex who adored eating me out. We’d sometimes reach his apartment; he’d throw me straight on his bed and stick his head down there and devour until my legs trembled in pleasure. Knowing he prioritised my satisfaction made me our sex all the better. And I wouldn’t trade that feeling.

While some guys dislike (such as DJ Khaled), many enjoy oral sex and would happily offer it without being asked. Women can’t always orgasm through intercourse – but even if each of us could – there’s an added height to oral pleasure. When I really like a guy, I want to sexually fulfil them; I want their desires met and exceeded. In the right situation, I’ll happily give head. Even if it’s not my favourite choice on the menu – their fulfilment deserves ordering. I once felt oral was less intimate than typical sex. Probably because we don’t count the act when we talk about sexual partners.

Read: The Female Orgasm: 5 Tips to Improve Climax

I’ve since realised, going down is extremely intimate and passionate. Why give up such a feeling? If a guy can’t handle my smell and taste below, than I can’t handle his either. I’m very hygienic – I shower twice a day, wash my hands regularly and wear clean clothes. Sure, not every woman may do this, and for the ones who do, some icky smells (we don’t like talking about) can still happen. And it’s part of Mother Nature and womanhood. We shouldn’t have to apologise and let weak scent excuses interfere with sexual wishes. Especially if a guy wants a blow-job.

Why women can be partly blamed

Maybe some women generally don’t gain much from receiving oral sex and personally choose to avoid it. I’m confident – they’re in the minority. If you’re someone who wants more oral from a guy that you keep giving blow-jobs to – why accept the situation?

For the men insecure about their performance skills, it’s up to you to know what turns you on, to help show them. And in that situation, I’m more than willing. Though if they flat-out refuse and say oral is not in their interests, that person isn’t in my interests: full stop.

How do you feel? Do you give head to get head? Are you okay with a person avoiding oral sex? If you liked this post, consider reading: How to be More Active in Bed as a Woman