If oral sex isn’t a deal breaker to you, I have to ask: Have you had great oral sex? I was once in such a position.
Pre self-masturbation, I was a clueless, sexually unexperienced woman. The few guys I connected with typically expected me to give them head while they lazily pranced their two fingers around my vagina. I hadn’t a clue on what oral sex was really like.
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The oral sex gap
On the blog, I’ve discussed before how women suffer from an orgasm gap – noting that it’s sometimes their fault. And I feel that way about oral sex. Rather than discuss the self-blame now, let’s first acknowledge society’s vaginal dislike.
If you’re reading this as a woman, can you say you like how your vagina looks? Arguably, most women consider the appearance gross. Several taboos surround the anatomy: Period blood, discharge, odour. Each of these taboos are rarely discussed, unless we’re talking period poverty. Girls are taught they’re naturally unhygienic (despite the self-cleaning system vaginas have), and therefore need lots of specific items to keep themselves clean.
As a 2018 Guardian article shares, the “feminine hygiene” industry sells itself on the fear of bad smells. Nearly all campaigns selling products for female private parts promote improved scent. The Guardian piece notes that tampon and sanitary adverts consistently use the word “fresh”.
The negativity surrounding vaginas completely put me off having any guy perform oral sex. Which wasn’t an issue, as the guys I knew didn’t particularly seem keen. When I began dating someone seriously, I finally experienced the act in all its glory. To put bluntly: it didn’t take long to orgasm. I remember the pure ecstasy that wiped over me as I gripped his headboard and tried to conceal my moaning. It was intimate, passionate, it bonded us in a way that ‘actual’ sex couldn’t.
Is it normal for a guy to not like giving oral?
An In Style article reported on two surveys which revealed that more men than women have received oral sex. The magazine addresses the misogyny linked to cunnilingus – how some guys see it as too submissive; unmanly. In Style note the imbalance in porn. It’s common to see a woman suck a man’s penis – yet rarely if ever, do we see a man return the favour. Or actually show interest to initiate the act.
I’ve heard men share jokes about it. One online personality posted various tweets on his refusal to go down. He described the vagina as a humorous, icky thing he’s not willing to have sat between his ears. This man funnily, LOVES women and is absolutely straight. Even more funny (please note my sarcasm here), he expects women to give him head. Some females laughed and liked his words – perhaps their dating history includes men like him?
On Vice, a straight man wrote a piece explaining his hate at giving oral sex. He writes about the sense of smell, the awkward position required; how vaginas are more demanding than penises. As women have different preferences which aren’t the easiest to master, he’d prefer to skip female pleasure and instead, receive blow jobs. As he wrote: “blowjobs are a fundamental part of the sexual intercourse game.” Yes, because putting a penis in your mouth and sucking on it, while trying to avoid gag reflexes and avoid teeth – SO easy!
I hate to break it to men – your penises don’t compare to candy. They also don’t look like candy, as much as some of you like sharing them. I’ve never sat at a restaurant and thought “Yum. This food tastes amazing. It almost tastes as good as penis”.
Why not giving oral sex is always a deal breaker
From my experience (yes, this may differ to yours), the guys who didn’t want to perform oral sex were the ones who absolutely accepted having oral sex received. Vaginas are not more disgusting or unattractive. They deserve the same amount of attention as any penis, right. So for me, someone who deeply enjoys this type of pleasure, I’m not willing to accept it being off the menu. I wouldn’t want to lose that feeling.
While some guys dislike (such as DJ Khaled), many enjoy oral sex and would happily offer it without being asked. Women can’t always orgasm through intercourse, but even if each of us could – there’s an added height to oral pleasure. When I really like a guy, I want to sexually fulfil them; I want their desires met and exceeded. In the right situation, I’ll happily give head. Even if it’s not my favourite choice on the menu. I once felt oral was less intimate than typical sex – probably because we don’t count the act when we talk about sexual partners.
Going down is extremely intimate and passionate. Okay, it might not be for everyone. But as a personal choice, I’m no longer staying in situations where oral sex is one-sided. If a guy can’t handle my smell and taste below, than I can’t handle his either. I’m very hygienic – I shower twice a day, wash my hands regularly and wear clean clothes. Sure, not every woman may do this, and for the ones who do, some icky smells (we don’t like talking about) can still happen. And it’s part of Mother Nature and womanhood. We shouldn’t have to apologise and let weak scent excuses interfere with sexual wishes. Especially if a guy wants a blow-job.
Products to spice up oral sex
Blindfolds
Mix things up with a hint of surprise. Blindfolds are a fun, beginner way to introduce a little BDSM into your sex life. Plus, you can then use them to have a restful sleep, or just to pretend you’re Holly Golightly in Breakfast at Tiffany’s. You can shop a silky pair on Amazon.
Flavoured Lube
Flavoured lube makes oral sex so enjoyable and fun for both partners. You can be creative and place the lube in specific areas, dribble it on your partner or taste the lube while receiving oral through self-pleasure. Shop these 3 flavours on Amazon.
Handcuffs
Handcuffs can really spice things up. There is a huge selection to shop, with some that have separate keys and others that have their own unlocking system. You can also select different colours and materials like faux leather and metal. Make sure you find a pair that suits you. I’ve linked some suggestions on Amazon below:
The important thing with handcuffs is to communicate with your partner prior. What will be your safe word, what is and isn’t okay? When you both feel comfortable, you can try adding them to oral sex. It’s an intense feeling, being aroused without being able to control your arms.
Why women can be partly blamed
Maybe some women generally don’t gain much from receiving oral sex and personally choose to avoid it. If however you’re someone who wants more oral from a guy that you keep giving blow-jobs to… why accept the situation? Nobody should be forced to perform sexual acts they don’t want to perform, period. But if you’re in a relationship with a guy who just refuses, is there not a way to talk about the issue and find out what’s behind their reasoning for not showing interest?
If a guy blames oral performance skills as the reason (like that fantastic Vice reader), it’s up to you to show your partner what turns you on and it’s then up to them to explore and take on board your feedback.
How do you feel? Do you give head to get head? Are you okay with a person avoiding oral sex? If you liked this post, consider reading: How to be More Active in Bed as a Woman
Man here… I love—crave—going down on women. I also feel like I can nearly get off myself sometimes, but surely love knowing that I’m helping my partner feel so good, at least. However, since being in a longterm relationship, I’ve unfortunately learned that not all women enjoy doing this. My girlfriend really hasn’t given me a single bj, and it has definitely hurt my self-esteem, and I feel like my needs aren’t even on the back burner… Probably got head in most of my previous encounters, especially with any repeat partners, so this has been difficult. Not sure if I’m able to live without oral sex, but not sure if I can label this alone a dealbreaker.
Hi,
That’s understandable. A relationship has many components – saying goodbye to someone because one area isn’t perfect doesn’t always make sense.
Have you spoken to your partner about her feelings regarding her dislike or disinterest in giving head? She may have had some bad experiences in the past or she may not feel confident in performing the act.
See if you can talk to her without putting pressure on. Asking directly “why don’t you give head” may make her defensive.
I absolutely love going down on my woman and the scents and tastes are party of the experience. But I’d say there’s also quite a few women who don’t want me to for whatever reason. If they only knew the pleasure it would bring.
One last point though, guys make sure your mouth is clean before you do this. Last thing your girl needs is some uti from your tongue.
Yes, clean mouths should be a necessity! Perhaps some women have bad experiences or feel insecure/uncomfortable.
What about the reverse. I love giving my gf head. I love pleasing her and making her feel good. But she doesn’t reciprocate. Ever. This makes pleasing her feel draining so I stopped, it felt too one sided. Is that a deal breaker? Or is it just one way?
It’s not one way. I would speak to your girlfriend about this and discuss how you feel it’s too one sided. Maybe her reason for not reciprocating can be communicated or resolved.
For me, it is a deal breaker – consider if it is for you and if you can be satisfied without oral sex in your relationship.
The weirdest part of that Vice article to me, was when he said women are more complicated to please, and so it’s just easier if he skips going down. I wonder if he has ever given a blowjob – where has he sourced his evidence?
I know now, if a guy wasn’t willing to please me, I definitely wouldn’t be offering to satisfy them. Thank you Fiona for sharing your thoughts.