If oral sex isn’t a deal breaker to you, I have to ask: Have you had great oral sex? I was once in such a position.
I used to be a very sexually unexperienced woman. The few guys I connected with typically expected me to give them head which was typically one-sided. I hadn’t a clue on what oral sex was really like.
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The oral sex gap
On the blog, I’ve discussed before how women suffer from a self-pleasure gap – noting that it’s sometimes their fault. And I feel that way about oral sex. Rather than discuss the self-blame now, let’s first acknowledge society’s distaste towards a woman’s intimate area.
If you’re reading this as a woman, can you say you like how your area looks? Arguably, most women consider the appearance gross. Several taboos surround the anatomy: Period blood, discharge, odour. Each of these taboos are rarely discussed, unless we’re talking period poverty. Girls are taught they’re naturally unhygienic (despite the self-cleaning system we have), and therefore need lots of specific items to keep themselves clean.
As a 2018 Guardian article shares, the “feminine hygiene” industry sells itself on the fear of bad smells. Nearly all campaigns selling products for female private parts promote improved scent. The Guardian piece notes that tampon and sanitary adverts consistently use the word “fresh”.
Is it normal for a guy to not like giving oral?
An In Style article reported on two surveys which revealed that more men than women have received oral sex. The magazine addresses the misogyny linked to the act – how some guys see it as too submissive; unmanly. In Style note the imbalance in p*rn. It’s common to see a woman suck a man – yet rarely if ever, do we see men return the favour. Or actually show interest to initiate the act.
I’ve heard men share jokes about it. One online personality posted various tweets on his refusal to go down. He described a woman’s area as a humorous, icky thing he’s not willing to have sat between his ears. This man funnily, LOVES women and is absolutely straight. Even more funny (please note my sarcasm here), he expects women to give him head. Some females laughed and liked his words – perhaps their dating history includes men like him?
On Vice, a straight man wrote a piece explaining his hate at giving oral sex. He writes about the sense of smell and the awkward position required. As women have different preferences which aren’t the easiest to master, he’d prefer to skip female pleasure and instead, receive blow jobs. As he wrote: “blowjobs are a fundamental part of the sexual intercourse game.” Yes, because putting a dick in your mouth and sucking on it, while trying to avoid gag reflexes and avoid teeth – SO easy!
I hate to break it to men – your private parts don’t compare to candy. They also don’t look like candy, as much as some of you like sharing them.
Why not giving oral sex is always a deal breaker
From my experience (yes, this may differ to yours), the guys who didn’t want to perform oral sex were the ones who absolutely accepted having oral sex received. A woman’s area is not more disgusting or unattractive. They deserve the same amount of attention as any man’s. So for me, someone who deeply enjoys this type of pleasure, I’m not willing to accept it being off the menu. I wouldn’t want to lose that feeling.
While some guys dislike (such as DJ Khaled), many enjoy oral sex and would happily offer it without being asked. Women can’t always climax through intercourse, but even if each of us could – there’s an added height to oral pleasure. When I really like a guy, I want to sexually fulfil them; I want their desires met and exceeded. In the right situation, I’ll happily give head. Even if it’s not my favourite choice on the menu. I once felt oral was less intimate than typical sex – probably because we don’t count the act when we talk about sexual partners.
Going down is extremely intimate and passionate. Okay, it might not be for everyone. But as a personal choice, I’m no longer staying in situations where oral sex is one-sided. If a guy can’t handle my smell and taste below, than I can’t handle his either. I’m very hygienic – I shower twice a day, wash my hands regularly and wear clean clothes. Sure, not every woman may do this, and for the ones who do, some icky smells (we don’t like talking about) can still happen. And it’s part of Mother Nature and womanhood. We shouldn’t have to apologise and let weak scent excuses interfere with sexual wishes. Especially if a guy wants a blow-job.
Products to spice up oral sex
Blindfolds
Mix things up with a hint of surprise. Blindfolds are a fun, beginner way to introduce a little BDSM into your sex life. Plus, you can then use them to have a restful sleep, or just to pretend you’re Holly Golightly in Breakfast at Tiffany’s. You can shop a silky pair on Amazon.
Flavoured Lubricant
Flavoured lubricant makes oral sex so enjoyable and fun for both partners. You can be creative and place in specific areas, dribble it on your partner or taste the lube while receiving oral through self-pleasure. Shop these 3 flavours on Amazon.
Handcuffs
Handcuffs can really spice things up. There is a huge selection to shop, with some that have separate keys and others that have their own unlocking system. You can also select different colours and materials like faux leather and metal. Make sure you find a pair that suits you. I’ve linked some suggestions on Amazon below:
The important thing with handcuffs is to communicate with your partner prior. What will be your safe word, what is and isn’t okay? When you both feel comfortable, you can try adding them to oral sex. It’s an intense feeling, being aroused without being able to control your arms.
Why women can be partly blamed
Maybe some women generally don’t gain much from receiving oral sex and personally choose to avoid it. If however you’re someone who wants more oral from a guy that you keep giving blow-jobs to… why accept the situation? Nobody should be forced to perform sexual acts they don’t want to perform, period. But if you’re in a relationship with a guy who just refuses, is there not a way to talk about the issue and find out what’s behind their reasoning for not showing interest?
If a guy blames oral performance skills as the reason (like that fantastic Vice reader), it’s up to you to show your partner what turns you on and it’s then up to them to explore and take on board your feedback.
How do you feel? Do you give head to get head? Are you okay with a person avoiding oral sex? If you liked this post, consider reading: How to be More Active in Bed as a Woman
Guy here – sorry, but the opposite is true with me. I refuse to receive or give oral sex. I find it disgusting. If she insists on it, that’s a deal breaker. I’d rather never have sex again than put my mouth in a disgusting place where mouths don’t belong.
Oral sex is not for everyone and that’s okay. The main point of my article was to acknowledge the oral sex gap, whereby one partner demands it but then refuses to do the same in return.
Thanks a lot for this article! I thought I was wrong to think this was a dealbreaker. I already know the glory of oral orgasm, so I dont know that I can live without it. I could try, but I am añways going to want it 🙁
Everyone has their own ideas of what they’re willing to compromise on. And there is nothing wrong with you not wanting to go without something that makes you feel good 🙂
I’ve been with my guy for 3 years. He’s never once gave me any type of oral sex. Me on the other hand, have fulfilled all his fantasies he’s ever dreamed of. I have received oral sex before by someone else prior to him and it was amazing! Being with someone for so long and not them wanting to explore your body and explore all the other ways to get you off does start to feel one sided! Giving him oral sex isn’t even pleasurable anymore because I see his feet kicked back and his arms behind his head wishing it was that easy for me . I really wouldn’t mind having oral sex as an option for myself , I want to embrace my
Femininity and I want him to explore that side of me.
Have you spoken to your guy before about him not giving you any type of oral sex? With it being so one-sided, I can understand the frustration of going out of your way to please him and then not having him make an effort to fulfil you back.
Man here… I love—crave—going down on women. I also feel like I can nearly get off myself sometimes, but surely love knowing that I’m helping my partner feel so good, at least. However, since being in a longterm relationship, I’ve unfortunately learned that not all women enjoy doing this. My girlfriend really hasn’t given me a single bj, and it has definitely hurt my self-esteem, and I feel like my needs aren’t even on the back burner… Probably got head in most of my previous encounters, especially with any repeat partners, so this has been difficult. Not sure if I’m able to live without oral sex, but not sure if I can label this alone a dealbreaker.
Hi,
That’s understandable. A relationship has many components – saying goodbye to someone because one area isn’t perfect doesn’t always make sense.
Have you spoken to your partner about her feelings regarding her dislike or disinterest in giving head? She may have had some bad experiences in the past or she may not feel confident in performing the act.
See if you can talk to her without putting pressure on. Asking directly “why don’t you give head” may make her defensive.
I absolutely love going down on my woman and the scents and tastes are party of the experience. But I’d say there’s also quite a few women who don’t want me to for whatever reason. If they only knew the pleasure it would bring.
One last point though, guys make sure your mouth is clean before you do this. Last thing your girl needs is some uti from your tongue.
Yes, clean mouths should be a necessity! Perhaps some women have bad experiences or feel insecure/uncomfortable.
What about the reverse. I love giving my gf head. I love pleasing her and making her feel good. But she doesn’t reciprocate. Ever. This makes pleasing her feel draining so I stopped, it felt too one sided. Is that a deal breaker? Or is it just one way?
It’s not one way. I would speak to your girlfriend about this and discuss how you feel it’s too one sided. Maybe her reason for not reciprocating can be communicated or resolved.
For me, it is a deal breaker – consider if it is for you and if you can be satisfied without oral sex in your relationship.
The weirdest part of that Vice article to me, was when he said women are more complicated to please, and so it’s just easier if he skips going down. I wonder if he has ever given a blowjob – where has he sourced his evidence?
I know now, if a guy wasn’t willing to please me, I definitely wouldn’t be offering to satisfy them. Thank you Fiona for sharing your thoughts.