Whatever your beliefs, let’s be real: most of society still expects men to pay. From my experience, guys usually take it upon themselves to arrange a first meeting and insist on paying. But how much should a guy spend?
Is it okay to split the bill?
It’s been debated so many times already, but the topic remains controversial. On Metro, an article suggests that when a man pays, it shows he “values you enough to be generous.” The piece references how attraction links to “our caveman ancestors”, noting it’s sexy when a guy can provide. The men I’ve spoken to, who agree that their gender should pay first, do so due to gentlemen ideals and traditional manners.
men prefer looks and women prefer resources
A piece on website Chime, says it’s better to go dutch. By equally splitting a bill, you can avoid power dynamics and sexual expectations. Those in favour of this view, often argue it’s anti-feminist to expect a man to pay for a woman’s share.
When I put together a blog on money and love, I was surprised to see women openly admit to preferring a guy with a high income. In today’s social-justice minefield, it is a big taboo to address. Yet according to Psychology Today, research continually proves men prefer looks and women prefer resources. While I consider myself generous in a relationship and enjoy buying gifts for a partner, there’s something about a guy taking care of money on a first date – it’s a big turn on. I like a man who can take the lead and arrange everything. Maybe that’s because I suck at organising. Based on one fancy image online, I took my friends to a bar that resembled the waiting area of a train station café. The drinks looked swanky against one side of the wall – the ripped leather stools and dingy flooring didn’t.
I think most women appreciate a man picking up the check first, and then if the date continues, helping to contribute by buying drinks after dinner or paying for a taxi…
Can a woman expect a guy to spend a lot?
It’s one thing to want to go out for free (though it never really is quite free), but it’s another to expect complimentary luxury. Elite Singles put together research on how much a typical date costs in the UK. They estimate £89 between two people.
Within a day of signing up to online dating, I’d received “likes” from dozens of guys. After 5 minutes of chatting to some of them, I couldn’t keep up with my date requests. It seems you don’t have to do much these days to be invited out. One conversation involved,
“Hi”
“Hey”
“Nice profile pic”
“Thanks”
“We should meet up”
If I’m going on a date with a guy I haven’t met before, I wouldn’t expect him to organise something lavish. That would actually feel strange – why would a man invest on a stranger? It wouldn’t make me feel special either; I’d assume he treats any girl the same. With online dates, I prefer something simple like meeting for coffee or drinks. How much should a guy spend does depend on how well they know the person they’re meeting.
When guys splurge
My Instagram poll revealed that most people are in favour of men never spending a lot on a first date. Understandable, though there’s always a however to contemplate:
What if two people are friends?
A guy could be in a Ross & Rachel situation: maybe he wants to plan something extravagant to mark his friendship turning to romance. Or maybe a guy has spoken to a girl for a while, and having known her interests, wants to plan something incredible that relates to what she’s told him.
A man might have expensive tastes
What counts as expensive? For some, dining and drinking at upscale places forms part of what they like – they’re happy to splurge on dates. And perhaps they wouldn’t feel good taking a date to somewhere they wouldn’t normally go, to keep costs down.
A guy could want to
People can assume the debate over who should pay amounts to men wanting to share a bill and women hoping to not. Though it’s more complicated as men and women don’t all agree.
In the middle of a date, I realised I had no sexual desire or attraction for the man sitting across the table from me. With that, I made up an excuse to leave and firmly took my card and said, “It’s my turn to pay”. Persistently, he said, “No, it’s not”. Even when we reached the taxi, he pushed my note away and paid himself. I’m not sure if it’s about “masculinity”: some guys have an almost need to pay.
When a date shouldn’t be expensive
Some dates shouldn’t involve grand bills when:
A guy can’t afford it
Both people on a date want to feel comfortable and relaxed in their surroundings. How can that happen if one person is worrying about money?
They expect their date to pay
Regardless of what side you position yourself in the who pays debate, if anyone chooses a pricey location, they ought to take care of payment. If I asked a friend to be my plus 1 at an event, I can’t suddenly reach the venue and say “By the way, it’s £200 to get in”.
If they expect something in return
On a first date, you have to accept that no matter what you pay, your date doesn’t owe you sex or a second date.
A friend of mine told me how a guy once kept tally of how much they had each spent. Despite that she had also contributed, by their fourth date, the guy loudly remarked at a restaurant, “It’s your turn to pay the bill now. I have already spent [x amount]”. Needless to say, she didn’t see him again.
Does it really matter what a man pays?
It matters a great deal. I have friends who love getting dressed up and going on glamorous dates, and I have other friends who would feel uncomfortable with a man splashing money on them. Not everyone wants an extravagant encounter.
In my late teens and early twenties, going on a first date meant a great deal. Often with a guy I’d met on an evening out, I would purchase a new dress, possibly get my hair trimmed and wishfully wonder whether we’d become an item. But with online dating and ghosting, first dates don’t have the same sparkle. Some of us (pre virus) were meeting up with strangers regularly, putting together criteria to delete the pointless matches. In this setting, why make a first date expensive? How awkward if you meet a guy and realise you don’t like him, when he’s spent a small fortune on you.
How much should a guy spend?
More than money, effort is what really counts. A date can invite you to a picnic that includes a Boots Meal Deal, or they can put together some wine, cheese, fruit and look for a beautiful spot to dine together. Likewise, a date can take you to Krispy Kreme for some donuts, or they can find the most amazing dessert place, followed by an artisan coffee shop and a romantic stroll. Spending a lot only works when there’s thought behind it. Taking someone to a winery because they’ve mentioned how they love trying different wine, for instance.
If a guy doesn’t believe in him paying fully, he has every right to ask to split the bill, and the woman can decide if that’s a second date dealbreaker.
Overall, asking how much should a guy spend involves many factors. The sweet point involves a man showing a woman he think she’s worth the investment, while also going home without feeling anxious about his expenditure or secretly grudging her for his new bank statement.
What’s your stance: How much should a guy spend on a first date? Does it make a difference, or are you happy to split the bill? If interested, check out my other first date articles:
I am not materialistic in the slightest, and actually feel quite uncomfortable with money being spent on me all the time, I prefer to pay my fair share and divide things equally in a relationship (assuming that is the goal of a date). It’s a team, right, so presuming things go well, in the future if he couldn’t pay for something I’d step in and hopefully they’d do the same the other way around and we wouldn’t take each other for granted. Having said that, on a first date, I do expect a guy to pay, as I see this as a clear show of good values and intentions, and also as an investment that they have faith in where it could go. I would be more than happy to pay for drinks after and the whole date the second time around. There’s just something about that initial gesture which carries a lot of weight. I’ve been on first dates where the guy has taken too long to reach for the bill or asked to split, and in this scenario, I took the bill and paid the whole thing myself. I also was cursing in my head knowing that I would not be committing to a second date. That’s because it’s not about the money, it’s about the intentions. And if a guy can’t value me enough to pay for a first date, then he’s not going to be a part of my future. I’d appreciate that leap of faith. I also wouldn’t be offended if at the end of a meal, a guy honestly said, look you’re really cool, but I don’t intend to take this any further, do you mind if we keep it friendly and just split.
Having said that, I can understand from a guy’s perspective (it’s easy with online dating to become a regular dater, even if that wasn’t your intention) to get frustrated with always having to make an investment not knowing if it’s going to be worth it or go anywhere.
I think women can have too high expectations and should have more empathy for the guy and appreciate it if he does decide to pay. In my mind, a gesture of appreciation goes a long way (ie. drinks after or a girl maybe maybe making it clear she’d be open to a second date so they don’t have to guess?)
Conclusion: stick to coffee or some sort of simple date until you know you WANT to spend the money! I’ve had coffee dates before where the guy didn’t offer to buy coffee and I have to say, I felt offended.
I do actually find chivalry really attractive. It’s not the same as a guy saying I can’t do something because I’m a woman, it’s a guy being unselfish and showing he’s willing to go out of his way to put me first.
As always, I love the topics of your posts! I personally am a little old fashion and I like that a guy spend some money on the first date. It doesn’t have to be fancy, its just the gesture that means a lot to me 🙂
http://www.blossomikebana.com
Thank you Paula! The gesture is really nice. I’m a little old fashioned as well and love the simple things, like a guy holding a door open.
This is SUCH a great discussion topic. I think that in my friend group alone, there would be a lot of different opinions on this (I’m actually extremely curious to bring this up now).
Personally, I always offer to split and I never assume that he is going to pay. If he insists however, then I won’t refuse either However, if there is a second date, I will try to equal it out and treat him a little too. It’s all about a healthy balance for me I think.
Around two years ago, I went on a first date with someone and he splurged. We went to a fancy restaurant where a starter was around 35€ upwards and he ended up paying so much! I felt so bad. Especially because I couldn’t even offer to split because he (sneakily) paid while I went to the ladies room. We briefly talked about it afterwards and he said he didn’t mind because (as a gourmet chef himself) he appreciates good food and he had been wanting to try that restaurant for ages. It made me feel a little better, knowing that he knew he didn’t HAVE to spend so much money on me. xx
Thank you Fiona. I always offer to split the bill as well, but I can often tell during a date whether a man will pay or not. Like this one time at a restaurant, a guy confidently took the wine list and said I’m going to order this (after asking if I prefer white or red). Then asked if I wanted sides. His whole confidence over the menu just gave me a clue that he would turn down my offer to pay halves.
I think that’s the thing sometimes – a guy (or girl) may want to do something that works better when on a date. Even going to an event or seeing a play, and so some people are more than happy to pay in order to do the activity they want. In your case the fancy restaurant. I can imagine the food must have been amazing for a gourmet chef to visit. xx
Great post as always! I personally dont mind if I guy pays on the first date (I always offer to split it or do rounds though) but I prefer to split costs tbh xx
Thank you! I offer to split as well just as a standard thing – even if a guy does say he wants to pay, it seems a rude gesture to not ask. xx