Reader Interactions


  1. staceyhebditch89 says

    I am not materialistic in the slightest, and actually feel quite uncomfortable with money being spent on me all the time, I prefer to pay my fair share and divide things equally in a relationship (assuming that is the goal of a date). It’s a team, right, so presuming things go well, in the future if he couldn’t pay for something I’d step in and hopefully they’d do the same the other way around and we wouldn’t take each other for granted. Having said that, on a first date, I do expect a guy to pay, as I see this as a clear show of good values and intentions, and also as an investment that they have faith in where it could go. I would be more than happy to pay for drinks after and the whole date the second time around. There’s just something about that initial gesture which carries a lot of weight. I’ve been on first dates where the guy has taken too long to reach for the bill or asked to split, and in this scenario, I took the bill and paid the whole thing myself. I also was cursing in my head knowing that I would not be committing to a second date. That’s because it’s not about the money, it’s about the intentions. And if a guy can’t value me enough to pay for a first date, then he’s not going to be a part of my future. I’d appreciate that leap of faith. I also wouldn’t be offended if at the end of a meal, a guy honestly said, look you’re really cool, but I don’t intend to take this any further, do you mind if we keep it friendly and just split.

    Having said that, I can understand from a guy’s perspective (it’s easy with online dating to become a regular dater, even if that wasn’t your intention) to get frustrated with always having to make an investment not knowing if it’s going to be worth it or go anywhere.

    I think women can have too high expectations and should have more empathy for the guy and appreciate it if he does decide to pay. In my mind, a gesture of appreciation goes a long way (ie. drinks after or a girl maybe maybe making it clear she’d be open to a second date so they don’t have to guess?)

    Conclusion: stick to coffee or some sort of simple date until you know you WANT to spend the money! I’ve had coffee dates before where the guy didn’t offer to buy coffee and I have to say, I felt offended.

    I do actually find chivalry really attractive. It’s not the same as a guy saying I can’t do something because I’m a woman, it’s a guy being unselfish and showing he’s willing to go out of his way to put me first.

  2. LauraJ says

    Thank you Fiona. I always offer to split the bill as well, but I can often tell during a date whether a man will pay or not. Like this one time at a restaurant, a guy confidently took the wine list and said I’m going to order this (after asking if I prefer white or red). Then asked if I wanted sides. His whole confidence over the menu just gave me a clue that he would turn down my offer to pay halves.

    I think that’s the thing sometimes – a guy (or girl) may want to do something that works better when on a date. Even going to an event or seeing a play, and so some people are more than happy to pay in order to do the activity they want. In your case the fancy restaurant. I can imagine the food must have been amazing for a gourmet chef to visit. xx

  3. LauraJ says

    Thank you Paula! The gesture is really nice. I’m a little old fashioned as well and love the simple things, like a guy holding a door open.

    • LauraJ says

      Thank you! I offer to split as well just as a standard thing – even if a guy does say he wants to pay, it seems a rude gesture to not ask. xx

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