I’m coming, I’m coming, I’m coming, I’m come… nothing. Breathless, sweaty, agitated – the female orgasm played tricks. I fantasised a crescendo moan and gripping sheets, pulling on them like a climber gripping rope. Leg shakes, deep breaths, stillness. But alas, no amount of liquid could result in a climax.
I thought I might be one of those women unable, that I’d spend my life watching dramatisations, hearing jokes on going home to get a release. Always in the dark, settling for what whimpers my body could muster.
And then, I got a sex toy, and the rest became history.
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Education on the female orgasm
In the 60’s, sex researchers and investigative lovers, William Masters and Virginia Johnson, discovered the power of a woman’s sexuality. Specifically, through observation and various instruments, they realised a woman can have multiple orgasms without a ‘waiting period’ and can achieve climax on their own. This was a huge revelation at a time when Americans had to watch foreign films to see sex. People didn’t perceive women as the more sexual gender – so some things don’t change?
Biographer Thomas Maier uncovered Masters and Johnson’s work, putting both the 50’s and 60’s society aspects together with their studies to produce a book on two of the world’s greatest sex pioneers.
Since then, the big O has continued to fascinate and mystify. From knowing how to make a woman squirt and experience multiple orgasms, to understanding what an orgasm really feels like. It’s not always clear as women don’t all react the same. For me, my head begins to feel hot as this mix between pleasure and relaxation washes over.
When you struggle to come
Fear stopped my female orgasm. I managed to make myself scared of incredible satisfaction. But I suppose it’s like roller coasters – you know you’ll likely feel butterfly thrills (or a headache) yet some people hesitate. A Bustle article discusses the fear of losing control, reminding its readers that an orgasm won’t completely control a person’s body. So, you don’t need to worry about letting go – it’s not as though an orgasm will make us start crawling on the floor while our brains tell us to stop.
5 Tips to improve climax: Don’t try
A piece on Marie Claire advocates to resist trying. If you make climaxing the ultimate goal, you’ll add pressure and stress to a fun situation. You can also make the moment boring by losing focus on the sex itself. And if you’re like me, trying will lead to analysing – time may tick by and frustration could erupt your sensual thoughts.
If you use a vibrator to masturbate, do you naturally begin by putting the vibrator straight to your vagina? If the vibrator was your partner, wouldn’t you want it to tease a little, create some foreplay? As Bad Girl Bible suggests, begin by putting your vibrator on your erogenous zones. Your nipples, inner thighs, lips, wherever turns you on. When you’re feeling aroused, continue the tease to your vagina, gently touching. It’s good to practice and try different options. Maybe you prefer a slow, light build-up, or you might enjoy quick touches in faster recession.
What makes a good vibrator?
I vouch for anything with different speeds and rhythms. This will help you decide exactly what you like and keep you experimenting. Look for toys that specify they’re quiet (unless you want a loud buzz that alarms your neighbours) and look at the material: you want a sex toy that doesn’t contain toxic materials. The fancier toys tend to have added features: USB charges, longer battery life, added pleasure functions. Stick to what looks comfortable – you don’t want to feel apprehension. Additionally, consider if you want your toy to be waterproof.
Suggested: Lovely Wand Massager. Medical grade anti-bacterial silicone, 100% waterproof, 20 vibration modes and a quiet motor.
Play with instruments
Sex toys aren’t the only way to spice up the bedroom. Cosmopolitan put together a guide on temperature play. The magazine suggests combining hot and cold, using edible oil or heated chocolate with ice-cream or ice cubes.
I’m a sucker for sweet smells and deep massages. You can purchase smooth massage oil designed for erotic stimulation. Massaging before sex may encourage you to relax, get you in the mood – and basically act as fantastic foreplay.
Practice your breathing technique
Website Fatherly spoke to sex educator Kait Scalisi, who recommends deeper breathing to improve how you climax. Rather than mimicking a porn star who manages to very quickly breathe and blurt “uh” repeatedly, why not try to elongate a breath. I believe the best way to practice this is through yoga. Sex is exercise right, and when you exercise, you have to remember to breathe. By paying attention to your exhales, I believe you can feel more present in the moment.
And no, I’m not talking about Fifty Shades of Grey. Statistics reveal that women have more sex with their partners when they’ve read something steamy. Is it just me, or does erotica have a stigma? I don’t see many women talk about sexual novels. I find a lot of porn is too abrupt: watching two women suck a guy doesn’t do anything to my arousal.
But with a novel, I can let my imagination run wild, and I can almost place myself as the main character in a sex act. If you haven’t already read, The Facilitator is highly recommended.
Things to remember:
The best sex doesn’t always equal the most advanced skills and toys. It’s often two people with wild chemistry, trust, a commitment to fulfil one another and confidence to be naked and sexual together. Freedom to make weird noises, or just breaths – no concern for judgment.
Continue researching. Try new method and ideas. If you’re not having great sex, what blocks are you facing? Is it the foreplay, the similarity, self-insecurity?
Don’t assume a vibrator has to be a rabbit. You can opt for a wand, egg, bullet.
What are your top tips to improve a female orgasm? Do you think men in general need a better education on how to make women climax?