I’m coming, I’m coming, I’m coming, I’m come… nothing. Breathless, sweaty, agitated – the female orgasm played tricks. I fantasised a crescendo moan and gripping sheets, pulling on them like a climber gripping rope. Leg shakes, deep breaths, stillness. But alas, no amount of liquid could result in a climax.
I thought I might be one of those women unable, that I’d spend my life watching dramatisations, hearing jokes on going home to get a release. Always in the dark, settling for what whimpers my body could muster. And then, I got a sex toy, and the rest became history.
Here are some tips to maximise or create an orgasm, with insight in how the female orgasm was first discovered.
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The female orgasm
In the 60’s, sex researchers and investigative lovers, William Masters and Virginia Johnson, discovered the power of a woman’s sexuality. Specifically, through observation and various instruments, they realised women can have multiple orgasms without a ‘waiting period’ and can achieve climax on their own. This was a huge revelation at a time when Americans had to watch foreign films to see sex. People didn’t perceive women as the more sexual gender – so some things don’t change?
Biographer Thomas Maier uncovered the sex researchers, Masters and Johnson’s work, putting both the 50’s and 60’s society aspects together with their studies to produce the book: “The Masters of Sex“.
Since then, the big O has continued to fascinate and mystify. From knowing how to make a woman squirt and experience multiple orgasms, to understanding what an orgasm really feels like. Women don’t react to orgasms in the same way. For me, my head begins to feel hot as this mix between pleasure and relaxation washes over.
When you struggle to come
Fear stopped my female orgasm. I managed to make myself scared of incredible satisfaction. But I suppose it’s like roller coasters – you know you’ll likely feel butterfly thrills (or a headache) yet you can hesitate. A Bustle article discusses the fear of losing control, reminding its readers that an orgasm won’t completely control a person’s body. So, you don’t need to worry about letting go – it’s not as though an orgasm will make us start crawling on the floor while our brains tell us to stop.
5 Tips to improve climax: Don’t try
A piece on Marie Claire advocates to resist trying. If you make climaxing the ultimate goal, you’ll add pressure and stress to a fun situation. You can also make the moment boring by losing focus on the sex itself. And if you’re like me, trying will lead to analysing – time may tick by with frustration erupting your sensual thoughts.
If you use a vibrator to masturbate, do you naturally begin by putting the vibrator straight to your vagina? If the vibrator was your partner, wouldn’t you prefer some teasing, a little foreplay? As Bad Girl Bible suggests, begin by putting your vibrator on your erogenous zones. Your nipples, inner thighs, lips, wherever turns you on. When you’re feeling aroused, continue the tease to your vagina, gently touching. It’s good to practice and try different options. Maybe you prefer a slow, light build-up, or you might enjoy quick touches in faster recession.
What makes a good vibrator?
Firstly, if you’re not using a vibrator, what in the world! I was late to vibrator game because I initially felt intimidated. After watching the classic Sex and the City episode where the girls buy a rabbit toy, I decided to get on board. Hopefully this post will also encourage you to experiment.
So let’s start with the basics. I always want a vibrator that specifies it’s quiet (no need for neighbours to hear) and with long battery life (for obvious reasons). But what I crucially seek: a toy with different speed settings and multiple spots to stimulate. And that’s what you usually get with a rabbit vibrator.
The Perfect Match flexible rabbit vibrator toy ticks these boxes and has the added benefit of using FDA approved waterproof silicone. It’s also USB rechargeable (most modern vibrators have this function). Because The Perfect Match rabbit has various power settings, it’s lovely to experiment with – both on your own and with a partner. With my rabbit, I realised I require a gradual build-up of speed for ideal pleasure.
Play with instruments
Sex toys aren’t the only way to spice up the bedroom. Cosmopolitan put together a guide on temperature play. The magazine suggests combining hot and cold, using edible oil or heated chocolate with ice-cream or ice cubes.
I’m a sucker for sweet smells and deep massages. Massaging before sex may encourage you to relax, get you in the mood – and basically act as fantastic foreplay.
Practice your breathing technique
Website Fatherly spoke to sex educator Kait Scalisi, who recommends deeper breathing to improve how you climax. Rather than mimicking a porn star who manages to very quickly breathe and blurt “uh” repeatedly, why not try to elongate a breath. I believe the best way to practice this is through yoga.
Sex is exercise right, and when you exercise, you have to remember to breathe. By paying attention to your exhales, I believe you can feel more present in the moment.
And no, I’m not talking about Fifty Shades of Grey. Statistics reveal women have more sex with their partners when they’ve read something steamy. It’s a shame erotica seems to hold a stigma and declining interest for millennial audience. Perhaps we picture these books to hold cheesy, romantic portrayals?
Unlike porn, where we watch others decide how to act, sexual novels allows our imaginations to get creative. We can place ourselves as the main character, dressing-up certain descriptions to match our fantasies. If you’re looking for ideas on what erotica to buy, why not try The Facilitator?
Things to remember:
- Not every woman orgasms the same. Only when I began experimenting and going out of my comfort zone, I figured what worked.
- There is unfortunately a masturbation taboo with women. This can cause some to avoid purchasing sex toys. But most women can’t orgasm through intercourse alone.
What are your top tips to improve a female orgasm? Do you think men in general need a better education on how to make women climax?