If only we could choose who to fall in love with. Sigh! My last ex dressed impeccably well. Fancy suits, minimal jumpers, low-key accessories (cufflinks, black scarf). With my black dresses and silk pencil skirts, we looked good together. But our twenty-year age gap made me uncomfortable in public. “She’s a gold-digger”, I’d picture voices muttering. If you’re feeling embarrassed of your partner, should you look inside yourself or continue to analyse them?
It’s easy for me to find a date embarrassing – I’m a clothes snob. I hate tropical shirts, neon, tie-die, V-neck t-shirts, beards (facial clothing). I went on a date with a bearded man – the moment I saw food stick to his hair, I stopped picturing him in bed. Once hair grows to a Santa Claus aesthetic, I’m done. Around four years ago, I was at a pub comedy night, when a suited, tall guy approached me to chat. We laughed (my jokes outdid the comedians) and we exchanged numbers.
With a date scheduled after work, I awoke early to style my hair, apply makeup and choose a smart-sexy outfit: A cream blouse, navy skirt and strapless heels. Waiting outside the tube station we agreed to meet at, I envisioned him in another suit. To my surprise, he was wearing an old grey t-shirt, paint stained, ripped jeans, and dirty, white trainers. His “It’s casual Friday” excuse irritated me – to think I’d set my alarm 30 minutes ahead to prepare. He took me to lovely locations for food and drink – yet I couldn’t let go of his lazy outfit. I felt like a swan, sitting at a restaurant with other swans, looking across to a duck.
And I want to tell you, I felt bad for judging. I’d love to say I looked past his outfit to focus on his personality. But I’m not that person. I SO judged him throughout our date.
Being ashamed of someone you love
Other than clothes, there are several reasons for feeling embarrassed of your partner:
- You might consider them ugly by society standards
- Awkward
- Too loud
- Too oversharing
- Uncultured
- Uneducated
- Clumsy
- Vain
- Bad-mannered
According to Psychology Today, research suggests our own self-esteem increases through our partners’ successes and enviable traits. The publication explains how significant relationships form part of our identity: “I becomes we”. Even if we hate the phrase “our other half” and the cheesy “You complete me” quote from Jerry Maguire, it’s sort of true.
Couples reflect upon each other. If I dated a criminal who commits theft or a guy protesting racist views, could you honestly not impose his beliefs on me? Would you not question my character for dating such a person? There is a line between acceptable differences. And it can be embarrassing when those lines blur.

When a partner does or says something you wouldn’t. I once went on a date with a guy who stood up and started stretching in a restaurant. I’m talking leg raises and arms behind shoulders. The transfixed eyes of other diners flamed my cheeks. He later admitted he enjoyed watching me squirm.
On Quora, a woman asked if they’re horrible for finding their boyfriend embarrassing in public. Relationship coach Karilyn Ryan described her query as a confidence issue based on using her partner to determine her “social value” and appearance to the outside world. We all want to believe we don’t care what others think – we’re confident enough in ourselves, it doesn’t matter how anyone perceives our partnerships. When in reality, most of us do care. We want someone that makes us feel proud; someone who inspires us. And we can often overlook the clumsiness and the loudness, but we don’t want to date an individual with traits we’re ashamed of.
Read: How Do You Know If Your Partner Is Not The One?
Feeling embarrassed of your partner: a deal-breaker?
I like dating guys with qualities I’m lacking in. Someone unfazed by social media, unconcerned talking to strangers. Just before lockdown, I was on a date with a guy who told me he feels self-conscious eating in front of people, and insecure washing his hands outside the toilets (the bar had wash basins outside the bathroom doors). And although I could relate, it was unsexy hearing his insecurities. I would feel embarrassed dating a guy not secure in himself.
I’ve seen lots of couple’s break-up due to embarrassment. One was a guy who felt ashamed of his girlfriend and her pickiness. Another was a friend who found her partner’s jealousy embarrassing. She’d be on a girl’s night out and he’d consistently call, drink beer and accuse her of cheating sometime round midnight. One well-educated friend dated a “lad” and she struggled to break the class barrier. Though she never used the word “class” – that carries a huge stigma.
If you’re feeling embarrassed of your partner, to the point where it potentially causes arguments (trying to change their habits), perhaps it’s better to rethink the relationship?
Is it all down to insecurity?
In an ideal scenario, we’d fall for a person who blends in to our social circles. Friends and family would approve, and we’d feel comfortable taking our partners anywhere. Realistically, we have to accept some leeway. The most confident can date whoever freely – they don’t worry about what so-and-so thinks. Or maybe they don’t use their partners to elevate their esteem. They happily accept their lover’s awkward humour and timid behaviour at parties.
I want to be that woman: Give me a man wearing a floral hat with the kindest heart and I’m sold. Surly, I’d have an easier time with love and satisfaction if I ignored neon and cowboy boots. But hey, I guess we all have our faults, and that’s mine. Though we can all agree, a date not saying thank you to waiters – always embarrassing.
What times have you felt embarrassed of your partner? ? If you enjoyed this post, consider reading: Dating Someone You’re Not Physically Attracted To
Visit my relationship advice column to write me an anonymous question about your love life.
Instagram @thestyleoflaurajane
I have a partner, he is what I want in a guy although isn’t perfect. No one is but I am usually embarrassed when he talks in gatherings, he is not fluent in English at all. I understand English isn’t his first language but he is from a country where English is spoken as a second language. I don’t care about it but it embarrasses when we are out and he has to talk to other people. Am I projecting as sometimes I think I am just fighting my own insecurities. I don’t want to make life miserable for someone if we eventually get married, will I overcome this? He doesn’t even know how I feel and he doesn’t realise his English is very bad.
Hi, so your message suggests that you’re only embarrassed at gatherings and don’t feel uncomfortable about the way he talks when you’re alone together.
Do you often worry about how you present yourself in front of others? Our insecurities can be projected onto our partners. This could be something to work on internally to figure out why you want your boyfriend to fit in.
Why not celebrate that your partner is multilingual and learn his first language while encouraging him to improve his English? You can take online courses or attend a class. My boyfriend and I use Babbel to learn Italian together. This is a link if you’re interested: tps://share.babbel.com/x/O3rP1l
I have been dating a guy for 3 weeks, when we go on fancy dates he always try to select what I wear, I feel he is embarrassed. What should I do ?
This sounds like controlling behaviour. Part of being in a relationship is accepting your partner for who they are, which includes how they present themselves. Have you spoken with him about this and made clear that you’re uncomfortable?
I’m almost 2yrs married. About 2 months into dating my husband I noticed that he was missing his top row of teeth. I was SHOCKED.but never mentioned. But I did ask myself if it was a deal breaker. I told myself no. He’s very well groomed, always smell good, great personality, we definitely had a connection. (Which is why I should’ve said something)
When he speaks, it’s not obvious that he’s missing teeth. It wasn’t until after being married almost a year when I addressed it. I asked him what happened and he told me the story. He played baseball from his youth and even in college. His teeth were knocked out with a baseball. He has insurance but still very expensive. I think I’m more uncomfortable with it than he is. Especially, when we’re around others. I feel embarrassed for him. My husband is loud and animated when he talks, and I’m embarrassed when his gums show. And sometimes playfully he bites me and I can’t stand it!
Recently my parents were visiting from out of town and I noticed that I hate for him to talk to much. He noticed and told me that I act funny when they’re around. I told him the truth and now he’s upset and wants a divorce because he says im ashamed. And I am little bit.
How should I handle this? I know I should have addressed it before getting married. But it’s not a deal breakers I just want him to care about his missing teeth and work on fixing it.
Hi Sonya,
I find we often project our own self-esteem and confidence issues on to our partners. For instance, if one partner places huge emphasis on social appearances, they often want who they’re with to do the same.
This can be due to worrying about what other people think which may be linked to a lack of self-confidence.
So my first question to you is how do you feel personally about your partner’s teeth. You mentioned it wasn’t a deal breaker but would you be okay with his teeth if others couldn’t notice they were missing?
You say you feel embarrassed for him, but it sounds to me like you’re more embarrassed for yourself. It sounds like your partner is fine with how his teeth look.
After your conversation, I imagine your partner is embarrassed. Perhaps find out how he really feels. Has he avoided doing anything because of the cost or does he feel it isn’t an issue.
my partner literally tresspassed someone’s property, then we had to walk to timmies and it was a bit of a walk, so he insisted that we go ask the people living on the same street, after we saw their bikes outside their house, we ring the door bell, then no one answers, i told my bf that we shouldnt take the bike, he took one and asked me to join him and said we’d be back in no time, its. not a big deal, then the people saw us taking the bike followed us, yelled at us, and asked us to give their ride back and if it happens again they’ll report us, i felt so embarrassed omg! and then we were walking back he decided to tresspass and i followed him, the women saw us and yelled at us, i am new to the area, so idk my way around or anything, and its his neighborhood so he knows! i know i shouldnt have followed him, but he says that he doesnt care what ppl think, i told him we have ro respect the societies and follow the rules. it doesnt matter what we think, everyone thinks differently, perceive differently, we should be more considerate.i have to explain common sense stuff to him. he is so embarrassing but idk whether i should break up with over this, i am so confused.
In relationships, it’s important to have the same values as your partner. Can you be happy with someone who doesn’t hold the same morals as you? From a personal perspective, I wouldn’t want to date someone who steals or trespasses. Not only does this make me question his character, it’s potentially putting you in a compromising situation where you can be reported with him. There is a difference between not caring about what people think, and respecting the law and peoples personal possessions.
It is not your job to explain ‘common sense stuff’ to him. Really ask yourself if his beliefs match up to yours and if he seems like the type of person you think you are compatible with.
This is an interesting conundrum! I live in a kind if suspended reality over here in Aus where my lifelong friends and family are all back home, so all my friends here have known me and my partner together pretty much as long as they’ve known me! The only time I’ve ever really been embarrassed by my partner is when he gets super drunk and that’s just a “get in the damn uber” job haha xx
I’d rather be embarrassed by someone’s behaviour when they’re drunk instead of sober. Because at least then the alcohol forms an excuse. I’m sure I’ve embarrassed a partner before after drinking. xx