It was about the other person, always. They needed to come and I needed to be good. Sex was an ego thing. I went to bed caring more about being the best and not actually enjoying the best. It was through conversation one time, a friend asked about my experiences. I realised; I’d not had a mind-blowing, unbelievable orgasm. Whenever I was close, thoughts took over. Not only mundane musings like, ‘Should I buy a new outfit for Saturday?’, but overall worries on not climaxing. Wondering if I just couldn’t ever get there. It seemed orgasm anxiety got the better of me.
According to Metro, orgasm anxiety involves ‘overthinking your orgasm so much that you can’t relax and actually enjoy whatever sexual encounter you’re currently having.’ While they’re many reasons for people to not orgasm (The NHS state hormonal changes, health issues, lack of sexual stimulation), my low satisfaction arose from a mental block. Something inside my brain refused to let me reach my peak.
It took years to figure out. If you’ve been reading my blog for some time, you may know vibrators played a huge role. There are however, other things that helped stop my thoughts from impacting my big O.
1. Make sure you’re comfortable
You don’t have to love or even like the person you’re sleeping with; you just want to feel at ease with them. Orgasms require you to let go and wave goodbye to insecurity and perfectionism. They require you to accept strange facial expressions and weird noises. If you’re naked and vulnerable with someone who doesn’t make you feel relaxed, it’s understandable you may feel a mental block.
2. Spend time alone naked
Spending time alone naked has made me much more okay with how my body looks. Stripping off no longer feels so daunting. Occasionally, I watch TV or read without clothes on – I also like lying in bed and reflecting on my day. When you’re use to seeing your body bare, it becomes more normal and less pressurising to show it in front of someone else. Self-confidence affects if and how you orgasm.
3. Experiment with masturbation
The biggest reason I suffered with orgasm anxiety – I didn’t know how to come. The overwhelming desire to please my partner mixed with confusion over what I should be doing. It would be on my mind continually: ‘Is this the moment? Will I orgasm… Oh, I’m thinking too much, will I still orgasm? Has the moment gone?’
Buying myself a sex toy was the first step I took to swapping the tides and making my own sexual needs a priority. Me and my rabbit could leisurely explore and try new techniques without wondering if someone else was having fun. There was a brief period where I struggled to mimic my masturbation orgasms with a partner, but I kept practicing and kept communicating. Bringing your vibrator to the bedroom can make the orgasm transition easier.
As a sex writer, here are some vibrators I recommend:
Discreet pleasure: So Divine Rechargeable G-Spot Vibrator
4. Give up trying
On a post sharing female climaxing tips, I mentioned how focusing too much on having an orgasm can make you stressed, frustrated and less horny. You can’t fully be present if you’re waiting for something to happen. Nor can you be having fun if you’re feeling anxious.
Talk to your partner and address your concerns. Acknowledge you’re a human and not a machine – orgasms don’t have to always happen. An Instagram poll of mine showed 61% of people believe you don’t need to orgasm to have great sex.
5. Focus on your senses
When thoughts use to enter my mind during meditation, I’d become super annoyed and irritated. Suddenly the whole session would revolve around how to stop thinking. Now when thoughts occur, I bring myself back to meditation by listening to my breathing. I reflect on sounds, smells, touch. I notice the floor I’m sitting on, the area I’m positioned in.
This technique works well during sex. When orgasm anxiety greets you, rather than giving in to worrying about your orgasm, listen to your breaths. Practice deep breathing.
6. Do something relaxing beforehand
Overthinking leads to, well, more overthinking. Case in point when I tried to have good sex after a job interview. My body wanted me to relax – my brain opted for intense debate: Did I actually sound competent? What if my interviewer saw right through my false confidence?
Whether you write down your fears, take a relaxing bath or get yourself ready with some masturbation, do what you can to calm your mind prior.
7. Set the mood
I’m not talking rose petals, Boys II Men, a dozen candles. Some people link foreplay to physical touch – kissing, massaging, oral, etc. Why not let foreplay start way before by spending quality time together. Talk about things you admire about your partner, discuss your favourite sexual moments, what you hope to happen.
Put on an outfit that makes you feel sexy, remove distractions like your phone, bills and the 6pm news. Find ways to be romantic during the evening rather than waiting until pillow talk.
8. Stop Faking it
My Instagram survey revealed 63% of people have faked an orgasm. When you fake it, you teach your partner how not to make you come. It sets you both up to fail. While it’s not entirely your partner’s job to ensure you climax, they’re likely going to start remembering and redoing what they think is working – leading you to continuing to fake. It may even add to your orgasm anxiety because you then have to explain why it’s not working or try to make some miracle intensity happen.
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