We talk about body confidence, career, life confidence, but do we talk enough about becoming sexually confident? It’s not surprising many of us struggle to find confidence in bed. Search engine results show it’s a popular subject to research.
Sex seems to be a mysterious taboo – it’s something we’re supposed to naturally love and excel at, yet we’re expected to not discuss or address. Can you imagine sex toy companies no longer using discreet packing? There are a number of things you can do to feel more sexually confident and improve your experience during bedroom intimacy.
Firstly, look at the quality of your sexual partners
When was the last time someone made you feel incredible during sex? My first sexual partner was quite selfish. Although he pleased me, I felt his needs were more of a priority. This made me very insecure – I wondered why I didn’t enjoy sex like other people; why did I struggle to climax?
Make sure you’re with someone (or having sex with partners) who make you feel sexually important. People who want to know your turn-ons and turn-offs.
Focus on pleasure and not performance
An article on Net Doctor describes how worrying about performance can disconnect us from pleasure. Most of my sexual past involved trying to ‘look good’. There were times during sex when I couldn’t orgasm because I didn’t want to create an ‘ugly face’. Or I wouldn’t orgasm because I’d be concentrating too much on how I sounded and how my body appeared.
To become more sexually confident, you have to let yourself go. Whenever insecure thoughts enter your head, think about your body’s reactions. Pay attention to your breathing and how you’re responding.
Challenge negative beliefs around sex
Do you see yourself as sexy? If not, why?
Are there bad sexual experiences lurking in the back of your mind? Have you been discouraged from being sexual – perhaps you’ve dealt with criticism for wearing revealing clothes?
How we link ourselves to sex has much to do with how sexually confident we feel. For instance, I use to perceive myself as awkward, unattractive, slightly dorky. This perception showed in the way I presented myself. Standing with my shoulders hunched, wearing frumpy pieces.
Regardless of the media’s portrayal of sex, you have to remind yourself:
- You are sexy. Your body is sexy.
- You don’t need to have had lots of sex or mind-blowing sexual experiences to prove how sexual you are.
- We all wear many different masks. How you’re perceived at work or with friends doesn’t link to your bedroom performance. In bed, you can be whoever you want.
- Your past sexual history doesn’t define you present or future.
- You don’t need abs or bucket loads of energy. Great sex involves chemistry and desire.
Set habits to get you in the mood
Whenever I want to feel more sexually confident before having sex, I put on matching lace lingerie and either hold-up stockings or black thigh-high socks. This instantly sets the mood and makes me feel good. I also wear a nice fragrance, light a candle and make sure I’m not frantically rushing around. I want to be listening to good music or laughing with my partner beforehand.
A piece on The Every Girl recommends creating rituals with a partner that will ‘help you build your confidence together.’ Just think about the steps you take during a work-day morning. Maybe you make coffee, check your emails, write a to-do list. Or what about when you want to pamper yourself. You might run a bath, file your nails, exfoliate.
These types of rituals can be applied to sex without the act losing its exciting edge. With a partner (or alone), communicate/write down what sparks your arousal. For me, I like a lot of cuddling and general intimacy. You may look at your list and decide you need new bedroom outfits and sexual toys. You could decide you want to do an activity prior that generally makes you feel good, like exercising or watching a comedy. Perhaps you and your partner can put together a list of all the things you love about each other’s bodies. You can note ten physical traits you love about yourself – keep the note on hand before going on a date.
Things that have helped me feel sexually confident:
Remember to laugh
Aiming for perfection can affect our sexual confidence. As a Bustle article explains, you don’t have to be great at everything. Sex usually requires some embarrassing noises and moments. Just laugh about it! We’re not all BDSM aficionados.
You can feel better about sex by spicing things up. I for example, bought a pack of playing cards which have different sexual positions on – this has encouraged me to experiment. My post on how to be more active in bed describes how you should also explore sexual arousal through masturbation; ‘The more comfortable you get with your anatomy, the more confident you can feel with someone else providing pleasure.’
Link to affordable ways to spice up your sex life
Becoming more sexually confident in the bedroom can seem daunting. These tasks above however will make it easier. As a reminder, it takes time, patience and a good amount of mental strength. Constantly question and challenge any negative sexual thoughts.
Read Next: 9 Affordable Ways to Spice Up Your Sex Life