Some years ago, I went back to a guy’s flat to have sex. Mind-numbingly, boring sex. I remember laying on his bed, thinking, ‘Any moment Laura, this will soon be over.’ The guy was BAD! I can only describe the experience as being similar to taste buds touching gone off milk. I’m no Kama Sutra aficionado, but I feel even today, his performance was pretty much to blame for our passionless encounter. Reflecting on that past memory, I wanted to find out more on what exactly makes someone bad in bed.
Is my opinion merely mine? Or are there other women out there who have slept with the same guy and thought, ‘Uh, this is awful!’. And what about us? How do we actually know if we’re bad; what if we’re the people who make our past sexual exes’ shudder? None us want to admit we’re potentially not good. Sex is this thing we’re all supposed to frequently have, enjoy and excel at.
InsideHook spoke to sex researcher, Zhana Vranglova. She told the publication that being bad in bed can mean either a person doesn’t possess the sexual ‘skills necessary to please a partner’ or that they are not good at ‘being responsive to the specific partner’ they are with. Technical skill and response are both important for mastering the art of love, but what else is involved? Here is what I believe makes someone bad in bed:
1. Finishing too quickly
A few times is okay – a regular occurrence and it’s a problem. A guy finishing too quickly means I’m either likely to not orgasm or pressured to orgasm quicker. Net Doctor offers advice on delaying ejaculation, from trying sexual positions such as ‘spooning’ to practising ‘female-focused foreplay.’
2. Not paying attention
When you’re at the point of reaching your climax and then someone quickly changes position. If I’m breathing deeper, maybe saying a word of encouragement and gripping the sheets, that’s a clear indication the moment is right. Not a sign that things need changing. Equally, dragging out a position that isn’t working for someone makes a bad in bed experience.
3. Being Selfish
A friend and I spoke about this. He told me the worst thing is when sexual partners do not communicate or respect another person’s boundaries. It is selfish to go ahead and do what you want without asking if it’s okay. Or not bothering to ask what the person you’re with wants. Sex is a give and take yet some perceive the act as a one-way orgasm street.
4. Zero spontaneity
The same initiation, at the same time, at the same location, with the same positions, actions and dirty words. You get the point…
5. Asking too many questions
One guy once asked for confirmation between every breath I let out. Consent is vital – wondering if I’m happy with a position every 5 seconds, maybe not so much. Sexting to me is a great way prior to find out a bit more about what someone wants. It makes the sex itself more seamless.
6. A lack of build up or rhythm
I’m not sure if sex is like a dance but I do know it needs to have its own rhythm. Things need to naturally progress and build, not suddenly going from slow movement to thumping hard. Even spontaneous sex has some mini build-up.
7. Trying kinks without checking in
If you’re going to try something experimental or new, do your research and explain your desires to your partner. Don’t just watch some clip and attempt to copy.
8. Not much feedback
A simple, ‘Do you like that?’ can go along way. I want to know if someone is close and if they’re enjoying what I’m doing. Especially with oral sex.
9. Being too rough
When Charlotte gets married for the second time in Sex and the City, Carrie is encouraged by her friends to sleep with the best man. When in bed together, the guy gets on top and starts pounding painfully and fast. Carrie could barely walk the next day because she was in so much pain. I didn’t realise what that was like until it happened to me. This guy proceeded to pound very quickly without checking in or changing position. This goes back to not knowing certain sexual skills.
I asked 5 women what their best and worst sexual experiences are. Here is what they said!
My boyfriend’s list of what makes someone bad in bed:
Being too rough on the first encounter – biting a person’s lip too hard or scratching their back with too much pressure.
Being silent – staying still, not doing too much. On the opposite side, being too overly enthusiastic straight away.
Too much feedback – not letting some things happen naturally.
Hygiene – both of us commented on how hygiene is a factor. I’ve heard some horrible stories from friends before on people who smelt a little off – I cannot think how to write that elegantly.
What are your views? What do you believe makes someone bad in bed? Have you read yet: Orgasm Anxiety: How to Deal With a Mental Block