Welcome to my first Ask Laura Advice Column. This is a space for you to ask me personal questions that I can answer.
Please note: I am not a professionally trained expert.
In today’s column, I share advice on a partner not wanting to give oral sex, a girl who can’t stop thinking about an old crush, and a woman caught up in an affair.
The ‘what could have been’
I have been out of high school three years and recently saw an old friend from back then who brought up this guy who I really liked at the time. She was joking about how we used to flirt all the time and that he is single again now.
It had been ages since I thought about him till this meeting the other day, and now I’m very much stuck obsessing about what it would have been like. The last two nights I have had very vivid dreams about him. In my brain I know he wouldn’t even be the same person anymore, but I just can’t seem to get over it. I’m really stuck on what to do.
For the past year, I have been in a relationship with a guy from school who I used to fancy. Because of that, you might think my answer would be to track down your old crush and confess your once hidden feelings.
I imagine you have already thought about doing so. Maybe your fantasies have run wild, and you’ve imagined yourselves both dating and still flirting with each other now. And I suppose thanks to social media, this fantasy seems tangible.
You have noted that ‘he wouldn’t even be the same person anymore’ – you are obsessing over someone potentially no longer real (a mere memory). What is it about this memory that you like thinking about?
We naturally look back at the past with rose-tinted glasses. Our high school years especially, can look innocent and sweet – a time when we only had to worry about our crushes being cute and liking us back.
You said you haven’t thought about this guy in ages. Perhaps this is less about him and more about the feeling he once gave you. The feeling of having a crush and the thrill of this crush potentially developing into something. Or maybe it’s the thought of ‘the one that got away’.
How would you describe your love life currently? When we’re not romantically satisfied, it’s easy to reminisce over happier times. My advice is to focus on putting yourself back out there and meeting another guy who you can crush over. If time goes by, and you still feel you cannot get over the guy from high school, consider reaching out. But be warned: He may not remember you; he might have zero interest in anything to do with you, he could be engaged or in love, or he may agree to meeting and be the worst date ever.
I am very happy in my relationship but when I reached out, my boyfriend could barely remember the past. It was really a case of two strangers connecting. If you do get in contact, good luck!
A lack of sexual pleasure
From sexually frustrated,
My boyfriend won’t give me oral sex and it’s really annoying me because I do it for him and enjoy doing it but whenever I ask him to return the favour he says he’s not into it. Am I being selfish to keep asking or does he need to man up?
Dear sexually frustrated,
There is an episode in Sex and the City where a man asks Charlotte for a blow job. At lunch with the girls, Charlotte confesses she doesn’t want to perform oral sex, nor does she want it performed on her.
Miranda responds, ‘Oh well, forget it. I only give head to get head.’
This type of logic seems reasonable – I do something for you, and then in return, you do the same for me. But could you imagine if we lived our lives with such expectations – that each time you treated your partner, did some cleaning or cooked a meal, it was automatically guaranteed that you’d receive the same treatment back.
Where would the spontaneity and random acts of love come from? Just because you’re willing to do something, it doesn’t mean your partner should be expected to do the same.
So let’s separate you giving him oral sex – that’s something you both already enjoy and from what it seems, are satisfied with. The real issue is you not having your sexual interests met.
The first thing I suggest is to chat with your boyfriend and try to understand exactly why he’s not into it. Has he had a previous bad experience, is he nervous about his skills or does he struggle with his gag reflexes? If this is the case, together you can work out ways to overcome these issues, providing he’s willing.
Consider how you approach the topic of oral sex with him. Asking to ‘return the favour’ isn’t the best way to turn someone on. If it’s been a lingering problem (an awkward bedroom ghost) your partner may find the conversation around his lack of his oral performance pressurising and uncomfortable. Try to show understanding and support, focusing on how you feel and not what he does or doesn’t do.
If conversation fails and you find that your boyfriend simply will not give you oral sex, you may want to analyse your sexual standards. And by that, I mean what you decide you will and will not accept. What do you need to feel satisfied in your relationship?
No one should have to perform sex acts they do not enjoy, but equally you do not deserve to have an unfulfilling sex life. A lack of oral sex could be impacting your self-image and body confidence. Spend time deciding whether you could be satisfied without oral sex in your life. Are you happy to forgo it without secretly resenting your boyfriend?
Related Read: Relationship Deal Breaker: Not Getting Oral Sex
The other woman
I’m in love with a married man and I’m not sure what to do? I don’t want to leave him but I’m not sure if he would leave his wife. Please help!!
Let me start by offering my sympathy. Society shows much scorn towards ‘mistresses’ and ‘the other women’ (which is understandable considering our views on loyalty and commitment) but being in your position is no easy feat. In an ideal world, we’d all fall in love with suitable candidates.
I am not here to judge you, although I will advise that you leave him. From your short note, I can tell you are unsatisfied.
Perhaps you had no idea your man was married at first, or perhaps you did. Either way, I imagine your initial feelings were exciting and passionate. With a married man, you are less likely to deal with all the complexities of relationships. You’re less likely to fight over the remote control, or bicker about which restaurant to take your in-laws too.
You can coat yourself in romance and passion with little relationship hassle. When you have nothing more than lust, this way of dating has its charm. But with love, comes demands, higher expectations and needs.
How long has this affair being going on for, and what physical action has your married partner taken to suggest he will leave his wife to be with you? As you’re unsure if he will leave, I’m assuming his words and actions are out of alignment. Which means his trust and honesty towards you is also out of place.
I wonder what led you to develop an affair with a married man. You cannot nor should not convince him to leave his marriage. We all deserve a partner that chooses us by free will. But you can focus on yourself and take steps to move away from the situation. There are lots of scientific reasons why people may fall for a person with a ring on their finger. Some believe a fear of intimacy is what entices people to want a ‘taken’ lover.
My advice, Kate, is to consider speaking to a professional councillor to explore such issues and to receive support. Do you deserve to be left in the middle, unsure and confused? Leave him and then take the steps to heal: Socialise on the days you would usually see him, set some new goals and get back out there. I know, it’s easy to say and much harder to do when you’re in love. You say you don’t want to leave him, but if he can’t provide you with what you need, do you really want to stay?
Related Read: Single Women Wanting Married Men