Out of all the Instagram polls I have posted, this question might be the most popular. 65% of people believe it’s not an excuse while 35% say it is. While most relationship issues have a ‘grey area’ (they are neither one way nor the other), if I had to choose, I consider feeling too tired an excuse that when used often, suggests a deeper problem than sleep.
The grey area in this situation acknowledges that we are not machines – it’s normal to sometimes not want sex. And it’s normal to have moments where we really are just plain old tired. We might be experiencing hormonal, parental, work or health issues that have us passing out in bed before 9:00 pm.
There are lots of factors at play, including our mental health and average sexual frequency. You could have sex on a regular basis but still, find yourself feeling too tired because your partner has an increased sexual desire.
So, why I am swaying more towards tiredness as an excuse?
With all those grey areas out the way, tiredness is an excuse that can get us out of a lot of situations. Yesterday, for instance, I told my brain I was too tired to exercise when realistically I could have worked out for at least 5 minutes.
A survey this year found that ‘One in eight UK adults feel tired “all the time”, according to the Independent. Most of us are struggling but we still manage to fit certain tasks and activities into our schedules. We may come home exhausted but can muster the energy to cook dinner, go to the gym or have post-work drinks.
I don’t know about you, but I’ve never met a couple falling in love and not having sex. Despite our schedules, we make time during the early stages for passionate intimacy. That’s partly what makes the excuse of being too tired interesting.
NBC published research from a clinical psychologist, Sanan Hafeez, who says that after the ‘discovery phase’ we can start to prioritise life’s obligations (work, chores etc.,). These ‘external stressors’ can impact our desire for sex.
Hafeez says that the more things we feel we ‘have to do’, the more our energy is drained. This then affects whether we’re feeling too tired for sex. In a society that promotes side-hustles and overwork (as Kim Kardashian said, ‘Get your f**king ass up and work’) it’s no wonder we are struggling to find energy.
When being too tired is overused
So, some of us might be overworking ourselves. If we really did want sex, however, would we negotiate our schedules to find the time? It’s no secret as a sex blogger, I enjoy physical intimacy and connecting with my sexual desire. I make the time for sex in most cases because the benefits for me outweigh feeling tired.
If you’re constantly feeling too tired and using that as a reason for not wanting sex, it might suggest you’ve lost connection with your partner, according to a sex coach.
I would also argue that if you’re avoiding sex, perhaps the sex doesn’t feel good enough to make it a priority. You might be in a long-term relationship where the sex has become too routine, or you may struggle to orgasm.
We focus and plan our time based on what we consider important. Yes, tiredness does come up, but if you’re not addressing the issue and because of that, not having sex, surely, you’re just adding a plaster to a deeper relationship issue.
Here is what you can do
Let’s say you are exhausted and don’t have enough energy. If you want to feel more energised, you can make several changes. This could involve a lifestyle change such as cutting out caffeine, giving up multi-tasking (watching TV while on your phone), scheduling more free time at the weekend, finding ways to increase performance at work without taking on such long hours, as well as balancing home chores.
Men are usually portrayed as always wanting sex while women are too tired. This makes sense when statistics show that women do most of the housework.
If you haven’t had sex in a while, there are ways to increase your libido. From increasing exercise to getting better quality sleep. I believe one of the best ways to boost your sex drive is to spend more quality time with your partner. Book more one-on-one time including a couple’s weekend or a nice meal out to help unwind together.
We can struggle to get in the mood because we come home harbouring multiple thoughts and worries in our heads. To go from worrying about packed lunch tomorrow to suddenly trying to feel sexy is quite a jump. Having alone time together can help bridge this gap. Reading erotic books, finding time to masturbate and focusing on generally feeling sex (nice outfits, self-care) can all help.
It’s good to remember that sex doesn’t have to mean intercourse. To get back in the mood, you may want to spend more time cuddling, kissing and performing other sexual acts such as oral. The more energised partner can start by taking the lead.
Should you have sex when tired?
This may go against my argument of tiredness as an excuse, but if you don’t feel like having sex, it’s not always a good idea to try. You might feel resentment and a sense of pressure to perform – making the sex one-sided.
It’s better to communicate and try to work out how to deal with your tiredness (or your partner’s) rather than putting up with a lacklustre experience.
Catch up with my thoughts on Instagram @thestyleoflaurajane
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