In today’s Ask Laura column, I give advice to a woman second-guessing her feelings and another who doesn’t feel comfortable with online dating.
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So I reconnected with my childhood best friend/high school crush and it feels like no time has passed between us. We’ve decided we want to date each other and see where this goes. It is a bit hard at the moment as he works up north a lot and I have a daughter but we’re making it work.
He asked me a few days ago if I’d go on vacation with him in 5 months and I said yes. My best friend (she means well, she’s seen me date shit men) says I should not do this trip as it would rush things with us. Everyone else thinks it’s a good idea. After talking to my best friend, I was with her about it, but I realized this isn’t a honeymoon phase for us. He feels like home to me and always has been. It’s just never been a good time for us as a couple till now, and I’m completely in love even though it’s been a month (I’ve known him 19 years).
Is it alright to trust my gut with this trip? This man I know will never intentionally hurt me, we both understand each other on another level, and we argue and laugh and cry together.
Is it okay to be 110% for a trip with him? I mean I don’t want someone’s validation for this, but I just feel so crazy to be this comfortable with him. He’s my home and I’d love to know if someone else in this world has ever felt like this.
As I was reading your email, I realised you have asked me a few times for my opinion: ‘Is it alright to trust my gut with this trip?’ and ‘Is it okay to be 110% for a trip with him?’. But with the same manner of questioning, you have confidently written about your relationship and stated that you don’t need validation. I can sense your confusion muddled amongst your words.
‘Your negative experiences from the past have likely impacted your confidence in your relationship decision-making.’
Not only have you fallen madly in love, but you have also fallen for your childhood best friend and high school crush (in other words, the rose-coloured, tinted nostalgia from your past has created a double feeling of love and excitement). It’s no wonder that after 19 years, you are feeling so comfortable. I imagine there is a ‘meant to be’ sensation running through your body.
So, what is the problem? Perhaps the ‘shit men’ from your past? Your well-intentioned best friend who has advised that you are rushing things? Your negative experiences from the past have likely impacted your confidence in your relationship decision-making. And your friend has furthered increased your lack of trust in your feelings by questioning them (as any good, protective friend would).
A month certainly feels like a short time to go on a holiday, but five months is not so crazy. I can say with confidence, that every person who has ever fallen in love has felt the same as you do, including myself who made my friends endure hours of my excitement.
It may help to spend the next five months focusing on the practicalities of your relationship. Can you accept a potentially long-distance relationship as he works up north, could he possibly move up north soon? Try to learn as much as you can about each other but remember to enjoy love’s trip.
There is no guarantee that our gut feelings are correct. Anytime we like someone, we risk the chance of a forever relationship or a horrible break-up. But isn’t that all a part of this thing we call life?
I have a huge stigma about online dating. The concept of men talking to many women at once. How can I overcome this?
Despite the popularity of online dating, many of us still feel uncomfortable about the concept. There is the fear of putting ourselves out there, being rejected, trying to create a conversation with complete strangers and the overall unknown uncertainty.
We have no idea whether we are number one in a person’s life, or simply a person to conversate with on a boring commute home. Who wants to feel like just another profile in a busy messaging list?
Maybe the concept of men talking to many women at once draws up insecurity – a feeling that you will not be able to compete. Or the thought bruises your ego and shatters your romantic notion of one man quickly realising he only wants one woman – that woman being you.
To overcome this concept, try to view online dating as the same as offline dating. Any person at any time could be chatting to several potential suitors. Who can really be sure whether a man at a coffee shop or a woman at a bar doesn’t have anyone else in their WhatsApp line-up?
You yourself should welcome this type of behaviour. Talking to several people at once can help with any disappointment and keep you level-headed. It is a protective barrier in a way to stop us from mistakenly putting all our eggs in the wrong basket. Sure, it is not the most romantic way to date, but in today’s fickle society, can we really blame anyone for wanting to stay cautious?
Focus on your own conversations and your own self-worth. In the beginning, you only need to worry about finding a spark or a connection. When that happens, you can then discuss the possibility of other women.
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