The early dating stages are a concoction of excitement, longing and pain. Is there a feeling more gut-wrenching than sitting beside your phone waiting to hear a notification. While it’s human nature to think about your crush 24/7, communicating too often can be a turn-off. With that said, let’s look at how often you should text someone you just started dating.
Why do we have such an urge to message?
According to the publication The Bird Feed, our brains release high levels of dopamine and serotonin when we develop a crush. The increase in these hormones can make us feel happier and more excited. Hence why we go giddy when our crush walks into the room.
It also explains why we have such a desire to communicate with them. In a way, being so glued to our phones in the early dating stages is a form of torment. It’s like dangling sweets in front of a child.
When you have an urge to keep texting, take a deep breathe and focus on staying level-headed.
How often should you text someone you just started dating?
This depends on texting preferences. Some of us enjoy back-and-forth exchange while some of us text only to share key information. What’s important is not constantly reply within 2 minutes on a frequent basis.
I also advise to not constantly message daily. This is because:
- Most of us aren’t doing too many exciting things mid-week. We’re tired from work; we’re focused on dinner and TV… can you sustain interesting conversation on a regular basis?
- Texting daily can lead us to over develop a relationship emotionally. The line can blur between real life interaction vs online. Just because you text daily, it doesn’t mean a person is serious or ready to form a relationship.
- Texting itself is one of the laziest versions of communication. You don’t want to place too much emphasis on something that requires little effort.
Another problem with texting every day is it can rob us from amazing real-life conversation. If you choose for instance, to share all the key details of your wild weekend away via text, what are you then going to reveal on your next date?
I’m not one for playing games and don’t believe you should purposely keep waiting 2-days exact or three days to share a response. This can make you seem uninterested. It can also leave your date open for finding and arranging to meet someone else.
While there isn’t a specific time scale, you do want to consider balance. Firstly, are you both texting at a similar speed and rate? Secondly, are you too available because you’re responding consistently 24/7? If that sounds like you, try to look for moments to give your conversation a breath.
When there is an obvious break (there is clearly nothing left to say), that’s when you might consider waiting a few hours or skipping a day before messaging again. To show that you’re interested, it’s help to message that you’re busy and you’ll get back to them later on.
For instance, ‘Hey, I’ve got a lot going on with a new project at work and I’m out with friends tonight. Let’s catch up again later in the week.’
Or, if you’ve been messaging back-and-forth in a short period, write, ‘It’s been great speaking with you. I’ve got a lot to get on with now so let’s catch up soon.’
Another option is to end your texting conversation with confirmation of your next date… ‘Right, I’m off to the gym. I look forward to meeting you next Friday.’
Letting your date know that you’ll catch up soon shows you’re interested but equally that you’re not obsessing over them. It adds that little hint of mystery.
When to text someone you just started dating?
So, I’ve shared why it’s a good idea to not message everyday and to look for conversation gaps to indicate when to end a texting conversation.
But there’s something else I want to share. This trick can help bring clarity during the early dating stages. I call it a trick when really it’s a simplistic way to not over text.
When you’re free, use that time to respond. When you’re busy, wait until you have a spare moment before sending a message. It sounds so straight-forward but too many of us waste time panicking about a text as soon as it comes in. Note – you do not have to reply immediately.
If you casually adopt the method of responding when you’re not in the middle of something, you’ll find you naturally come across more laidback without the fear of looking desperate.
Be careful about mornings
In the early dating stages (specifically before a first date) there is no reason to waste too much time texting. Why invest yourself to someone that has yet to prove their value? Making someone a priority too soon can quickly become off-putting.
A few years ago, I was talking to a guy after meeting through a dating app. Things were going well, until he started messaging first thing in the morning and as soon as I had finished work. That may sound charming, but considering we hadn’t yet met, it seemed strange he was this available.
A good rule of thumb is to avoid messaging too early or too late. Give your crush the chance to get ready and head to work without wondering how to reply to your ‘good morning’ text. Which brings me to my next point…
What to text someone you just started dating
Texting is a form of communication designed to make our lives easier – sending a basic response is one way to go against this notion.
A lot of people send texts such as:
‘How are you?’
‘How’s your day going?’
‘What are you up to?’
These questions are great if you’re awkwardly making conversation with a random stranger in a queue.
Your crush however wants to feel special. They don’t want to work too hard to craft a response. I’m sure you know how frustrating it is when there is not a lot to work with in a message. Instead of these generic questions, try to create conversation that makes texting you a breeze.
For instance, why not swap:
How’s your day going to what’s the most interesting thing that’s happened this week?
Or swap what are you up to with what are you most looking forward to this year?
You can also share memes, ask for opinions, discuss something you’ve recently watched or even mention a complex recipe that turned out great.
When I was in the early stages of dating my boyfriend, I’d use my blog to keep WhatsApp conversation flowing. If I was writing a blog post such as What it means when someone ghosts you, I would ask questions like have you ever ghosted anyone before and if so, how come?
Texting dos and don’ts
Use proper grammar and spelling.
Let your date know when you’re busy and therefore not going to respond as fast
Ask open-ended questions
Expect to date your respond immediately on a consistent basis. Texting can be a distraction and time consuming
Send too many emojis. If you feel that you have to keep adding them, you’re probably being overly flirtatious or sarcastic
Write generic, polite questions such as how are you? Show your date that they’re special by asking something more unique
Looking for more advice? Check out these guides and follow me on Tiktok @thestyleoflaurajane