There are two sex questions people love to know, ‘How often do you have it?’, and ‘How many sexual partners have you had?’ Our curious appetite for numbers ignores the real hunger we should form in our bellies – the quality of our experiences. Mind-blowing sex, the type that makes your thighs uncontrollably shake as sweat sticks to your hairline. You’re so absorbed in the experience that you can do nothing but pause on the bed as you decide whether to take a shower or linger the scent of sex on your sheets.
I know it’s a rarity. Statistics suggest lots of women are not experiencing intense passion. When I asked men and women about their sexual encounters, so many women told me that they hadn’t enjoyed much satisfaction.
There are many plausible explanations – stress, body image, shame, embarrassment, pain, difficulties with arousal, safety, hormonal changes…
How often do we go to bed with someone and consider whether it’s worth the energy and time to intertwine our bodies? Do we wonder if it’s best to pause the act until we’re more awake, and therefore better with our movement?
It seems a lot of us have sex for quantity sake. The deep and intense rapture is few and far between. While I have many posts covering women’s sexual pleasure in detail, I have yet to explore how our practice of regular sex can impact our performance.
Should we have less sex, to have more mind-blowing moments?
When I started writing about sex, I was fascinated with the studies on women struggling to climax. It was an obvious focus to centre on. The women admitting in my Instagram polls that their sex lives are lack-lustre.
I know the feeling and felt compelled to write about it. My first year as a sex blogger was raw and open, touching upon societal issues affecting our sex lives. But then the pandemic came, and I went over a year without the weight of a man upon me.
A friend confessed to years without sex. I couldn’t deny that her longer duration soothed my worries. There is an assumption that to love, prioritise and adore sex, you must have it often. And naturally, you’re going to possess a more casual attitude about who, when and where.
This concept leads to poor quality. We can become lazy with just doing it – similar to a household chore like washing the bed. A friend of a friend said they make sure to have sex at least twice a week with their partner. But they don’t get their sexual desires met. The sex is mediocre but somehow their sex lives seem better knowing that they’re still doing it.
The difference between choice and comfort
What happens if we shift our focus from having sex to only trying to have mind-blowing sex? We could possibly become lazy and go too long without action. Or we could create better memories, beliefs and joy around our sex lives.
The New York Post published an article on why women are choosing not to have sex. Inspiration came from Drew Barrymore, who wrote a personal piece on why she hasn’t been intimate since splitting from her husband in 2016.
Usually, these types of articles make my eyes roll. The predictability and notion that women are less sexual. It’s normal and okay to have a low sex drive or to have low interest in sex. But women sometimes give up on trying to tap into their sexual energy. They assume that they’re not sexual because they constantly end up in bed with selfish partners.
As I read the Post’s piece, however, my eyes stayed firmly in place. The women they interviewed admitted that they’re sexual and excited about sex itself, but they’ve spent too long trying to please men. They’re not interested in consuming their time and energy on sex that’s not going to exceed expectations.
When we hold ourselves accountable, we’re naturally going to break. If you were to stop now and reflect over the past five or ten years of your sexual experiences, how would you describe them? Exciting, fun, predictable, boring, decent enough?
How do you want your sex life to look? We may think quantity is important (and no doubt, to some degree it is) but should quantity override quality?
Here are some thoughts for finding ways to heighten your satisfaction:
Never tell yourself you’re not highly sexual
Sometimes we accept poor sex because we don’t consider ourselves sexual enough to step out of our comfort zones. We believe we’re not sexual people so we don’t have it in us to have the adventurous sex life we crave.
If you can relate, firstly, never tell yourself you’re not sexual. This type of thinking stops us from challenging our sexual wants.
Think about someone (a real person or character) that you deem highly sexual. What do they have that you don’t? Perhaps they flirt a lot, they have no shame in masturbation, they’re confident in their decisions. Create some healthy ways to become this person.
If you tell yourself, you’re not sexual enough to have mind-blowing sex – guess what – you’re not going to have it.
Yes, it’s cliché, but communicate with your partner
I constantly advise people to communicate with their partners. As long as your partner doesn’t know how you feel, they’ll make no effort to improve the situation. Some of us feel too embarrassed or uncomfortable mentioning sex. If that’s the case, ask open-ended questions.
For example, ‘Are there any sexual positions or ideas that you would like to explore?’
‘What are your thoughts on [name sexual idea].’
Mind-blowing sex doesn’t require equipment
Sex toys and props are beneficial for keeping things interesting. But when we’re talking about mind-blowing or high-quality sex, it may not have anything to do with how wild we are in the bedroom. It’s usually connected with confidence.
Sex is a fantastic place for people-pleasing and self-doubt. It’s easier to sit back and try to please someone else rather than put our needs first. Again, if taking authority in bed feels awkward, turn your requests into a game.
You could tell your partner to keep exploring your body. When you moan or make a certain noise, they must stay on that spot until you tell them to move again. You can also buy books and board games that encourage you and your partner to take turns pleasing one another.
It’s okay to not always have sex
There are potential side-effects with forgoing intimacy. For instance, it can become more difficult to feel in the mood again. However, letting go off the pressure to keep up with a certain consistency can improve pleasure. You can be incredibly sexual and still place emphasis on only having sex when it’s worth having.
Notice the difference between choosing to place emphasis on quality vs purposely avoiding sex or relying on excuses to not participate. It’s similar to me choosing to have sex tomorrow when I’m not so tired vs not having sex for months because I’m not making the effort to get in the mood.
I also have to note that occasionally , not having an interest in sex can lead to the best kind. You’re exhausted, sweaty and hungry, but then sex spontaneously happens and your energy is restored. Sex can mask itself as a form of medicine.
The point overall is to not get so caught up on numbers and frequency that you give up the actual joy.