In this Ask Laura column, I offer insight to someone dealing with a guy who shows interest but offers no commitment. Click here If you want to share your own anonymous query.
Dear Laura,
I met this guy at my workplace. We hit off well as friends and when we decided to have “the convo” he told me he did not like me, as I ticked no boxes of his except for me being a nice and caring person. Later we decided to be friends (because our religions are different, we thought it best to stay friends at least). However, we got more closer and closer as time went on. Hanging out more, flirting with each other. He introduced me to his mum, and I got close to the mother, where her and I would call/text often and even went out without him being there.
Things started to get a little weird when I questioned him again. Because of his religion, even hanging or touching the opposite gender is a sin. But the last time we went down to the movies, he held my hand and let me hold his arm. Physically, we got so close. He then told me he’s emotionally strong and he doesn’t get affected by such actions. When my close friend who’s also his friend, talked to him, he denied everything that happened.
After this, I decide it was time to let him go. I told him I still did like him (because till now I was saying no to having emotions) and told him he was getting too me mentally, so I no longer want to be friends.
After 2 weeks, I decided that I did him wrong and should have at least given sometime to this and went in for an apology with a present in my hands. But he did not listen and kept looking down on his phone, so I threw the present in front of him and walked away. (Dramatic, I know).
Now it’s been more than two months that we have not talked. We run into each other at work and turn away from one another, but I still feel this weird energy and tension between us. I have tried to talk to other guys, but it doesn’t seem the same or even comfortable. My friend told me that she had reached out to him and said to him that he did me wrong and I do not deserve to be treated like this.
For someone who’s hurt me so much, never treated me right, why am I still deep down wanting him to reach out, and go back to where we were? I have been trying to talk to this new guy but after all that has happened, I’m scared of being rejected from love.
From anonymous.
Dear Anonymous,
Years ago, I dated a guy who enjoyed my company. He would agree to meeting up and making out, but never to a relationship. We were the ultimate ‘almost’ situation. I convinced myself that we had something special, and it was only a matter of time before he would commit.
I realised later that agreeing to hang out doesn’t demonstrate feelings. Maybe he was bored, savored the attention, or simply liked my personality for a few hours without adopting the rest of me. That’s a harsh pill to swallow – so I understand your resistance.
I’m sorry to say, but it seems you have orchestrated the pain you’re experiencing. The guy made clear you ‘ticked no boxes of his’ (which is a harsh way to reject someone).
While agreeing to become friends shows strong maturity, being friends with someone you like is a toxic recipe. As what happened here, the lines blurred, and it became confusing to separate feelings and friendship. Those lines further escalated when you got close to his mum.
He has twice said no to anything happening further. What are the chances this outcome will change if you go back to the way things were before?
Because you believe there is still something between you, it’s difficult to move on. Each time you see him at work, you get to analyse and envision your possible lives together. Getting attention from someone you like increases your happy hormones – it feels great to spend time with him.
But you’re now avoiding each other and it’s uncomfortable and painful to frequently feel that sense of loss and confusion. You say you’re scared of rejection, yet you want to get back to where you were with someone who – whether religion or other feelings – doesn’t want to develop anything further.
When you let go, you may find your fear reduces because you’re no longer waiting around for someone who isn’t showing you the commitment you deserve. Keep putting yourself out there but just be cautious of red signs. In this case, his initial rejection revealed his lack of interest in pursuing a relationship.
Try to arrange fun things with friends and keep your life exciting outside of work. This will help steer your thoughts away from thinking about him. It may help to have a conversation to clear the awkward air for work purposes, but be careful about going back to building a connection with someone unattainable.
Read my previous columns:
Ask Laura: How do I Text My Old High School Crush?
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